Unmasking, an Enneagram Dive, and Gender Bias
welcome to the land of my special interests
Last week I invited you all to submit questions for the podcast interview with a religious trauma expert, and got some great ones! There’s still a few days left before the interview if you have a burning question on your mind - just leave me a comment.
I confess: I am slightly embarrassed to be writing a post on the Enneagram1. Our government is a hot mess, the Republicans in my state have rewritten a proposed reproductive rights amendment we’re supposed to vote on to make it sound as horrible and baby-killing as possible, and a numerical minority in our country want to head us into a fascist hellhole. But I’ve been on an Enneagram binge the last several days so… 🤷♀️ if you’re here, you’re coming with me.
I was hardcore into the Enneagram when I was in my 20s and learned it *extremely* thoroughly - not just the types, but how they work, how they interact with each other, wings, subtypes, levels of health, and how the Enneagram doesn’t work (e.g. pet peeve: when people think they can be a 1w5 or some other number combo that isn’t right next to each other. THAT’S NOT WHAT A WING IS, PEOPLE). I do this out of interest and pleasure, but I even do it when I roll my eyes at it. I have a weird compulsion.
Also, the Enneagram was pretty popular during my progressive evangelical / ex-evangelical but progressive Christian days2, so it has some connotations for me. And I’m skeptical of the scientific validity, but I also know scientific validity is not the point — it’s more for personal and psychological growth.
We had been on a long break, the Enneagram and I. Before that, I’d been in perpetual crisis (just ask my friends and family) about what type I “really” was. And I couldn’t trust test results because I knew what each of the questions was really asking, so it was way too easy to sway the results to what I wanted to be. But here I am again, taking all the tests, rereading my books. And each time I try and type this post, I get lost in my research about types and wanting to be really accurate, both about myself and the Enneagram.
The funny thing is that the more I’ve been learning about psychology, the more ways I see the complicated ways that trauma impacts us in unique ways, the less I believe in the Enneagram as a system. When I read the quiz questions, I see different trauma responses, not inherent spiritual types. So trust me, it drives me nuts when I obsess over it like this: trying to find my “true” answer that must have been true over my whole life (because, #rulesoftheenneagram).
Can’t I just go back to writing on religious trauma and christo-fascist movements??
And my current test results have thrown me for a loop. Maybe it’s learning so much about neurodivergence, maybe it’s the thinking and researching I do for this newsletter, maybe it’s getting my feet under me enough in my field to do some deep dives into therapy and psychology. In the past, I would always test as some combo of 9, 6, or maybe a 1. And now, lo and behold…
I’m testing as a five???
I have thoughts. (of course I do).
Raised in Christianity, there were certain ways that were allowable for being female. I could be smart, but not a show-off. Humility was a prized trait for women. In my family of origin, my coping mechanism was to disappear into myself, to not make waves, to be the good, compliant child (Type 9). Throughout my childhood and adolescence, I learned that obedience was of ultimate importance. And Christianity, of course, demands loyalty (Type 6) to the institution. Christianity most loves its women to be 2s (the Helper), but that was never me and the energy cost to try and be a sweet, loving, helpful 2 was just too great.
The term “unmasking” as we use it in neurodivergence circles feels relevant here. I, and many of us, have learned to act the proper role expected of us. When I was taking the tests, I deliberately thought about what my most natural, comfortable self would respond.
Because I’m socialized as female, I’m expected to be kind, to be in my feelings, to be generous with my time, to be a natural giver and caretaker. I should be self-effacing, meek, and humble: especially if I was socialized as a Christian girl (which obviously I was).
It took me some time to develop any kind of a voice or a real sense of self. I remember a therapist asking me, “And who are you?” I was puzzled by the question and didn’t know how to answer who I was without naming a role I had3. Then one day, after a powerful energy therapy session with a different practitioner, I came back with an answer: “It’s yellow!” I still didn’t (don’t) have words, but I was developing a visual, somatic sense of a real core self that lived inside me.
As I continue to go through life, I feel like I am more honest with myself and others about who I really am. I am less and less interested in putting on a mask to please others. I am valuing my time, my hobbies, and the relationships that are important to me.
I am discovering, as I re-take these tests I’ve taken innumerable times, that if I’m secure in life and relationships, I will stand up for what I believe is right. I want to know what’s true, not what’s comfortable or popular. I can be a bit hot-tempered (at home at least). I highly value my alone time. And I love deep dives into researching things I’m passionate about.
The stereotypical 5 is a male (even though according to some research, men only slightly outnumber females as 5s at about a 56 / 44 split). The 5 is cerebral, often an “absent-minded professor” type, who likes acquiring knowledge, often feels alien / different from others, likes to stand back and observe, fears being incompetent, and desires to feel capable and competent (which they try and achieve through gaining knowledge).
As I read through various descriptors, I felt like the Type 5 descriptions assumed a male presentation. The male 5 probably has more space to be withdrawn, to operate in his own head, to be up in his ivory tower and disaffected by the world.
Women, especially those who become mothers or caregivers in other ways, don’t have that option in the same way men are allowed in our society. Our children demand care and attention, and men in our lives are less likely to pick up the slack. Women still do more housework in heterosexual partnerships, even when we work as much or more than our male partners. As much as I’d like to hide away and do deep research into personality typing systems and Christian nationalism and EMDR and quantum physics (just to give a taste of my interests), I do not have enough time and energy capacity to quench my thirst for knowledge.
Just like the female autistic presents quite differently than the stereotypical male autistic, I wonder if the female 5 might look a lot different from the stereotypic male 5. I wonder, if the descriptions of the 5 had sounded less like “genius innovator / mad scientist who resorts to nihilism at unhealthy levels,” and more like “mom who loves her children but gets easily overwhelmed by the stimulation and feels like she’s going crazy without being able to feed her intellect; is already isolated and feels different from other moms so it’s hard to relate and make friends”… maybe I could have identified myself a little quicker.
Okay, I think I’ve written long enough for today. If you’re still with me, I trust you are at least familiar with the Enneagram, so: talk to me in the comments! Any 5s? Am I really a 5? What type are you? What do you think about the notion that we (theoretically) stay the same type over our lifetime? Do you think you’ve changed types or are you consistent? And do you have any thoughts about unmasking, or gender issues in how society expects us to present?
This is not going to be a post where I explain the Enneagram, so if you’re not already somewhat familiar with it, you might be a little confused or skip today all together. Basically, it’s a personality typing system with spiritual and psychological influences.
However, I was amused to find this blog, which was a good reminder that many conservative Christians still will see the Enneagram as a type of occult,
In searching for pictures for this post, I was amused to find various sites that were fiercely Christian, devoted to defending the “Word of God” against the occult or other Satanic influences of the Enneagram 🙄
I’m also aware this is a uniquely Western / individualistic culture way of seeing our identity. More collectivist cultures would identify themselves by their relations: daughter, spouse, parent, grandchild; whereas we’re more likely to identify ourselves by work/career, personality traits, and hobbies.
Ooh, Christine, this is so interesting! I always assumed I was a Five because I was so shy and preferred books to socializing--so different from my helper, extroverted girlfriends. I’ve since learned I am a one (hello OCD and the compulsion to make the right decision in every moment). In our thirties, so many of my social, bubbly girlfriends are radically withdrawing from all the social obligations and to me it feels like a bit of a shock, but for them I imagine it’s a relief.
This is so interesting! When I’ve taken tests I’ve been labeled as a 5, and friends who are into enneagram pinned me as a 5, but what I read about 5’s seemed to describe a stereotype I approximated, not *me*--so I never got into enneagram. I just didn’t find it helpful or illuminating. Now I’m wondering if it’s the gendered expectations the descriptions of 5 are filtered through that made it unrelatable.