This post is so helpful. Thank you for laying out definitions of these key terms. Wow! So powerful for getting clarity! I appreciate definitions, always. Thank you for that attitude of yours, the life-long learner. Thank you for your willingness to share with others what you have been learning.
I struggled for a bit, at the conceptual level, with the use of the word "wound" in the term "attachment wound." This is because I was confused about how the *absence of* something that is needed (e.g. responsiveness from a caregiver) can cause a wound. I know how blows can wound. But how can some lack of action cause a wound?
But then I imagined my infant and toddler self, and how incredibly tender and/or "thin-skinned" I believe I must have been, how sensitive, how very fragile. Tender as can be, I reached out again and again, and rubbed up against a mother who was like sandpaper, harsh, simmering with resentment, as sharp as a pile of needles. Over time, brushing up against her, I wore down what little skin I had, emotionally speaking, 'til what was exposed was the quick, my innermost core, the most soft and tender part imaginable. In other words, you could say, I injured myself trying to deal with her. I kept touching her, grasping at her, trying to connect with her. But it was always excruciating, her non-responsiveness.
So, yes, in that sense, even had she never *done* any of the things she actually did that wounded me (such as dousing me with the acid that is shame and of course when you are a tiny, not-fully-formed, tender, sensitive little being, that will be scalding), her just being who she was, her sandpaper rough self, was enough to cause massive abrasions on me by virtue of my reaching out to her, having contact with her, brushing up against her trying to get some sort of foothold in the world but finding in her nothing but bitterness, scorn, sharp edges, and the burning, acidic disgust she felt toward me.
Dealing with a parent who is non-responsive can be wounding to a little child without much in the way of armor, I guess you could say. What little armor I had, much of it got abraded off, leaving me with giant gaping wounds.
Thank you, Christine. What you write is clarifying and empowering. I appreciate you and am always interested to know what you're up to because you are excited by ideas and learning and gaining insight and finding healing. All of these are so important for dealing with religious trauma. I am grateful for you and this fantastic blog.
Beautifully (if tragically) put, MK - thank you for sharing. And good point about the meaning of wound from non-action: that was the wording I got from the conference and you're right it doesn't quite make sense in a literal/logical way, but then you describe so vividly the process of being wounded by a rough sandpaper exterior of a mother, that it makes sense again. Also, I would suggest that the "bitterness, scorn, sharp edges, and the burning, acidic disgust" ARE actual things that happened towards you. Like that wasn't just something you didn't receive -- that was an actual hurt you received that you shouldn't have had to have. (then her general nonresponsiveness as more of the not-receiving what you needed / attachment wound).
Thank you for such a heartfelt comment and sharing your vulnerableness! I am so grateful for our exchanges!
Thank you so much, Christine, for weighing what I wrote, here, thinking it through with me, and for your kind words. I am so grateful to the universe you are, despite what you've come through, still alive and kicking. What you write in this blog shines a light on topics that, to me at least, seem extremely important.
Your joy and feelings of freedom at being outdoors in a fascinating place in the summer and in the context of exciting new learning shines through like a beacon, Christine. Especially this: “…enjoying my own company, exploring historic cities, and generally feeling like a quirky free spirit. It was good to get in touch with her again.” One can’t help exulting with you! That sure seems like a spiritual experience to me!
About what you learned, this really strikes me as a huge insight: “…you can’t desensitize away something that never happened.” Of course that’s why attachment CPTSD is so hard to treat! You make it so clear! And your answer is so clear too—we have to learn the tools that let us love and reparent ourselves in order to fill in the love deficit we feel from our childhood. That single paragraph may be the most succinct statement of the attachment trauma problem and solution I’ve ever read!
Thank you, Chuck! It sure felt like a spiritual experience 🥰
I won't take too much credit - I merely pass on here what I learned there at the conference! But it all made so much sense, and I just want to share with others what feels like this super essential information!
I haven't unpacked why yet, but the difference between treatment for stress trauma versus attachment trauma kind of blew my mind. I've been wanting to try EMDR for quite a while (and still plan to, primarily for experiences I've had as an adult), and I think it will really help to go in with more appropriate expectations. (I really have to get serious about this parenting myself business, don't I? 😀)
Also, I am so happy you got to explore the city some! We moved to New England give years ago, and I'm still ecstatic that some of these beautiful old cities are near enough for a huge day trip or a long weekend. It's rare that I manage it, but each time I connect somewhat to my childhood self and some great vacation memories, and, even stronger, my college self, learning to navigate the world on my own during an amazing semester abroad. I hope the time, though exhausting, rejuvenates you too.
Ooh that's so nice to live so close to those cities with so much history! (lol relative to American cities, not the world...). I do feel quite rejuvenated :)
Glad the stress / attachment trauma distinction was helpful! I hope you find EMDR to be healing. I really do think it can do a lot to help people, and can be used for attachment traumas as long as you have the right "interweaves" (EMDR term) or resourcing available! Or, for people who have a more stable/resourced internal system, it'll generally be easier to process through hard events because you already have the "adaptive information" (another EMDR term) to help make sense of things. Each person's nervous system is unique though!
I’m wondering, as someone with cptsd/religious trauma and is about to start EMDR, does the process of EMDR have anything to offer cptsd or attachment trauma? I’ve heard it is more effective for one-trauma ptsd, but I’m wondering if there’s a way to approach EMDR that might help get at some complex stuff, or things related to neglect. Was anything about this discussed at the conference?
I love this question! Yes it was discussed (in depth!) and yes, but requires some know-how (or a therapist who's actively getting consultations to help them develop EMDR skills). EMDR can be used for more complex stuff for sure, but it all needs to be handled a bit more delicately. There's SO much going on with cptsd that people might need a lot of resourcing work before diving into EMDR, and be prepared to work through trauma at maybe a slower pace (so as not to get overwhelmed). And attachment trauma, there's some great options available to help people build up their internal resource figures -- sort of like an internal adult figure who knows that children DO deserve to be loved, etc even when the child part wasn't able to believe that. I hope that makes sense! I find this all super fascinating and important.
Wow it sounds like a really wonderful if tiring time away. Thanks for sharing. The definitions really are helpful and for me seeing that different needs require different approaches while obvious is helpful. It helps with the shame element that can occur when your already down!
This post is so helpful. Thank you for laying out definitions of these key terms. Wow! So powerful for getting clarity! I appreciate definitions, always. Thank you for that attitude of yours, the life-long learner. Thank you for your willingness to share with others what you have been learning.
I struggled for a bit, at the conceptual level, with the use of the word "wound" in the term "attachment wound." This is because I was confused about how the *absence of* something that is needed (e.g. responsiveness from a caregiver) can cause a wound. I know how blows can wound. But how can some lack of action cause a wound?
But then I imagined my infant and toddler self, and how incredibly tender and/or "thin-skinned" I believe I must have been, how sensitive, how very fragile. Tender as can be, I reached out again and again, and rubbed up against a mother who was like sandpaper, harsh, simmering with resentment, as sharp as a pile of needles. Over time, brushing up against her, I wore down what little skin I had, emotionally speaking, 'til what was exposed was the quick, my innermost core, the most soft and tender part imaginable. In other words, you could say, I injured myself trying to deal with her. I kept touching her, grasping at her, trying to connect with her. But it was always excruciating, her non-responsiveness.
So, yes, in that sense, even had she never *done* any of the things she actually did that wounded me (such as dousing me with the acid that is shame and of course when you are a tiny, not-fully-formed, tender, sensitive little being, that will be scalding), her just being who she was, her sandpaper rough self, was enough to cause massive abrasions on me by virtue of my reaching out to her, having contact with her, brushing up against her trying to get some sort of foothold in the world but finding in her nothing but bitterness, scorn, sharp edges, and the burning, acidic disgust she felt toward me.
Dealing with a parent who is non-responsive can be wounding to a little child without much in the way of armor, I guess you could say. What little armor I had, much of it got abraded off, leaving me with giant gaping wounds.
Thank you, Christine. What you write is clarifying and empowering. I appreciate you and am always interested to know what you're up to because you are excited by ideas and learning and gaining insight and finding healing. All of these are so important for dealing with religious trauma. I am grateful for you and this fantastic blog.
Beautifully (if tragically) put, MK - thank you for sharing. And good point about the meaning of wound from non-action: that was the wording I got from the conference and you're right it doesn't quite make sense in a literal/logical way, but then you describe so vividly the process of being wounded by a rough sandpaper exterior of a mother, that it makes sense again. Also, I would suggest that the "bitterness, scorn, sharp edges, and the burning, acidic disgust" ARE actual things that happened towards you. Like that wasn't just something you didn't receive -- that was an actual hurt you received that you shouldn't have had to have. (then her general nonresponsiveness as more of the not-receiving what you needed / attachment wound).
Thank you for such a heartfelt comment and sharing your vulnerableness! I am so grateful for our exchanges!
Thank you so much, Christine, for weighing what I wrote, here, thinking it through with me, and for your kind words. I am so grateful to the universe you are, despite what you've come through, still alive and kicking. What you write in this blog shines a light on topics that, to me at least, seem extremely important.
Your joy and feelings of freedom at being outdoors in a fascinating place in the summer and in the context of exciting new learning shines through like a beacon, Christine. Especially this: “…enjoying my own company, exploring historic cities, and generally feeling like a quirky free spirit. It was good to get in touch with her again.” One can’t help exulting with you! That sure seems like a spiritual experience to me!
About what you learned, this really strikes me as a huge insight: “…you can’t desensitize away something that never happened.” Of course that’s why attachment CPTSD is so hard to treat! You make it so clear! And your answer is so clear too—we have to learn the tools that let us love and reparent ourselves in order to fill in the love deficit we feel from our childhood. That single paragraph may be the most succinct statement of the attachment trauma problem and solution I’ve ever read!
Thank you, Chuck! It sure felt like a spiritual experience 🥰
I won't take too much credit - I merely pass on here what I learned there at the conference! But it all made so much sense, and I just want to share with others what feels like this super essential information!
I haven't unpacked why yet, but the difference between treatment for stress trauma versus attachment trauma kind of blew my mind. I've been wanting to try EMDR for quite a while (and still plan to, primarily for experiences I've had as an adult), and I think it will really help to go in with more appropriate expectations. (I really have to get serious about this parenting myself business, don't I? 😀)
Also, I am so happy you got to explore the city some! We moved to New England give years ago, and I'm still ecstatic that some of these beautiful old cities are near enough for a huge day trip or a long weekend. It's rare that I manage it, but each time I connect somewhat to my childhood self and some great vacation memories, and, even stronger, my college self, learning to navigate the world on my own during an amazing semester abroad. I hope the time, though exhausting, rejuvenates you too.
Ooh that's so nice to live so close to those cities with so much history! (lol relative to American cities, not the world...). I do feel quite rejuvenated :)
Glad the stress / attachment trauma distinction was helpful! I hope you find EMDR to be healing. I really do think it can do a lot to help people, and can be used for attachment traumas as long as you have the right "interweaves" (EMDR term) or resourcing available! Or, for people who have a more stable/resourced internal system, it'll generally be easier to process through hard events because you already have the "adaptive information" (another EMDR term) to help make sense of things. Each person's nervous system is unique though!
I'm so glad you got to have this special time!!
I kept in mind (approximately) what you said -- the "just meet one cool person" and succeeded! :D
I’m so proud of you!!! 🥰
Thank you so much for this post!
I’m wondering, as someone with cptsd/religious trauma and is about to start EMDR, does the process of EMDR have anything to offer cptsd or attachment trauma? I’ve heard it is more effective for one-trauma ptsd, but I’m wondering if there’s a way to approach EMDR that might help get at some complex stuff, or things related to neglect. Was anything about this discussed at the conference?
I love this question! Yes it was discussed (in depth!) and yes, but requires some know-how (or a therapist who's actively getting consultations to help them develop EMDR skills). EMDR can be used for more complex stuff for sure, but it all needs to be handled a bit more delicately. There's SO much going on with cptsd that people might need a lot of resourcing work before diving into EMDR, and be prepared to work through trauma at maybe a slower pace (so as not to get overwhelmed). And attachment trauma, there's some great options available to help people build up their internal resource figures -- sort of like an internal adult figure who knows that children DO deserve to be loved, etc even when the child part wasn't able to believe that. I hope that makes sense! I find this all super fascinating and important.
Wow it sounds like a really wonderful if tiring time away. Thanks for sharing. The definitions really are helpful and for me seeing that different needs require different approaches while obvious is helpful. It helps with the shame element that can occur when your already down!
Thanks! I'm glad it was helpful!