I'm a therapist too and doubt myself too much! What I've learned is, your fears might come true and do it anyway if it feels like it's the right thing for you to do. It might not be a huge group, it won't be for everyone, there may be a too vocal person who doesn't really get it. But you've got this! You'll prepare for all those things and then learn from them and then the next event will be better! "Step out in faith" 😂 to use some old lingo. I think ground rules, autobiographical sharing, some definitions of terms and psycho education, and something kind of churchy like shared singing - even just listening to music together - would be great! I'd like to come 😊 so virtual works if you want to try something bigger /from a larger area but I think in person is powerful and would most benefit your own community. I think you should try both - one time event and a group that starts afterwards. If it bombs, it bombs. Or maybe you won't like doing it. No worries, just move on with something else you want to do. But what if you love it and it feels powerful? I say go for it!
This is perfect :) I should just clip out what you've said and carry it around in my pocket! There's no downside to trying it, and it could be super great! Maybe one day I can organize something online, even! I'll keep y'all posted.
I don’t have any answers but I want you to know how much value you bring to my life. And not in a capitalistic, transactional way. Just by being you and sharing your heart and brain with us. 🩵
Thank you, Marla! 🥰 I'm grateful for the value you bring too, through your honesty and genuineness and zeal for your passion projects (like who else would write a book call "cut up my poems"?!?!? Brilliant!)
It's intriguing and exciting that you are being called to this work, Christine!! You are the perfect person to do it. I really like what JackieM said and want to offer just a couple more thoughts.
You know I'm part of a trauma group that has produced amazing healing for all five members. There are a few secrets to the success. One is the explicit mutual understanding that we are all there to love and support one another. It's the love--feeling seen, heard, and valued--over the long term that produces the healing. Another principle is that we never offer advice, only encouragement and support. Advice is allowed only when someone specifically requests it. The last secret was inadvertent, but I think it has been important: We all are forward focused--focused on healing and growing. Looking backward to understand the trauma is important, but always with an eye toward healing, moving on to something much better, not wallowing in our anger and hurt. Maybe one more thing: everybody gets equal time to talk and share so all are heard and no one hogs the conversation. Some way of allotting time to each person to speak uninterrupted can be a big help. There may be a time of unstructured conversation too, but it really helps those who are shy if each person knows they will get a few minutes to share their thoughts at each meeting.
As for activities, I loved all the things on your list of possible activities. The one thing I am personally partial to is a time of group meditation and possibly brief sharing of insights afterwards or even during, like the Quakers.
Congrats for even taking the step of seriously thinking about doing this! Way to step into your calling!! I think you will find inner and outer support as you go!
These thoughts are sooo helpful! Thank you for sharing them. Those are some great principles: here for support & love, not here to give advice but instead to encourage, and keeping an eye toward future healing rather than rehashing old traumas! And equal-ish talk time. As someone who struggles to talk in groups, I really appreciate spaces that offer a designated time for me to talk (or pass if that's what I want to do!).
Thanks for your thoughts and the encouragement in this!!
Not long before my wife and I amicably split 3 months ago (married 33 years), she let me watch in on a zoom meeting for women partnered with someone autistic. Even though I was a bit like the villain in that equation, the group looked like a great support for her, and it helped us both complete the hard work of answering whether we were still a good match. At that point I wished there was a group for all those autistic men they were talking about. When I started following this group, I thought it would be awesome to have a group zoom with the people in this space. Covering the interesection of religious trauma and autism is a great fit for me. The articles from Christine are great, as are the responses from you all. I think what I was hoping for in such a group is the opportunity to brainstorm, since I am rebuilding identity as completely as I can. The "open book" aspect of a complete rebuild would, I think, benefit from sharing with a group of understanding individuals, and protect me somewhat from going off the rails. Hope this makes sense!
Oh wow, that's really recent of a split! Hoping you are doing okay in this major life transition.
That's fascinating about the support group / meeting for women with autistic partners (I just added myself to an interest list for children of autistic parents and am curious how that might turn out).
Gosh! I'm getting the sense that I might just have to organize something for us to meet virtually! You would add such valuable insight and thoughts. And how cool would it be to be able to put faces and personalities with names, having already established some trust and a clear common interest with each other??
As someone that finds ambiguity in everything, I am not sure you mean us as in you and I, or the us as in this group. "Faces and personalities" suggests the latter, but just checking. Detour: I wrote some poems about my experience, but sharing them is perhaps a one on one proposition for now. I you want to see them, email "just chris sykes @ gmail . com" (without the spaces).
I have just been diagnosed with Autism (I'm 46) and I am also a survivor of church trauma. I'd love to connect with you about the intersection of religious trauma and Autism. As a woman who was raised in the south and in fundamentally conservative churches with a mother who is Autistic, but wasn't diagnosed at the time, I have been also to understand how many of my church experiences shaped the way I thought about all aspects of life and the way I saw myself in the world. It left me with Complex PTSD, and a every deepening empathy for those who've experienced any type camouflaged trauma.
Good morning! I'm not a therapist but I hear you! My cute brain want to keep me safe" isolated". Miss and long for the community, nothing like the "love we have for one another" anywhere. They still don't know that I'm detangling, my truth after 2 years or so and I'm still feeling the shame and guilt. They invited me to do a " Freedom" Bible study" very fundamental, deep, and radical! Unfortunately, a chain far from freedom but im tempted to join again just for the churchy things I miss! I love the music and sisterhood the most! (Titus 2)
So my answer is yes! I would attend something like this!
The thing about your cute brain wanting to keep you "safe," aka isolated, resonates! The sense of community / purpose / meaning found in these churchy or spiritual settings is pretty hard to replicate. And group singing! That too!
Yay, good to know a group like this would be well-received by you! I'm glad you're here in this space. :)
I'm new here, so please forgive me if I'm asking you to repeat information.
Are there other faith communities near you where you could visit to find a healthier church community to participate in?
I ask because in addition to being a survivor of church trauma, I'm also a survivor of domestic abuse; and for me returning to or staying in the tempting comfort and familiarity of the church communities where I experienced trauma was very similar to staying in my abusive reason. In leaving, or not, returning to church communities where we experienced trauma, we experience uncertainty about whether we'll ever find another community to be a part of. Like an abusive partner, many church communities can make you feel like the only place you'll ever be wanted or "accepted" is with them.
There are safer church communities out there. Do your research; scour their websites and make sure to thoroughly investigate their stated beliefs and the stated beliefs of whatever denomination, or larger church body, that they are connected to. There is a large, multi-location church where I live. It's slick and comfortable. The pastors portray a relaxed and cool persona. So many wonderful people I meet attend one of their many campuses and believe their church is fully accepting of all people. They are always shocked when I tell them that while their church allows female pastor, they do not allow female pastors to be lead pastors or supervise male pastors. They're horrified when I tell them that not only does their church not allow for queer pastors, they also will not perform weddings for queer couples. This type of information isn't always easy to find on church websites but it's usually there, and if it isn't that could also be a red flag.
Anyway, I feel like I've been in a similar place to you and I thank you for sharing your thoughts so courageously. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.
I've realized that "small groups" just aren't where I thrive socially... there's ALWAYS the "talker" who takes over and then everyone is just staring at each other and it's boring and antsy and then when it's your turn to talk it's like kind of intense. I dream about introvert gatherings like... what if it was just like a chill party, and there were snacks, and maybe mario kart set up, and maybe some coloring sheets, and a jigsaw puzzle out, and we could just all hang out together and let the conversations flow while we're all doing something with busy hands instead of sitting around staring at each other. But maybe that's just me 😂
Omg I WANT THIS GROUP. A gathering where there's something else to do (in another post, I believe Christopher was talking about Scrabble marathon parties!) but mingling / socializing / playing can just happen but without weird small talk. LOVE IT!!
It's not just you! I am using that very idea to decorate my new place :D
I haven't got many takers yet, but a small number of neurodivergent people (1 or 2) come and do art with me and I put it on my wall, along with their favorite word about themselves. The art doesn't have to be good. It just creates a memory and we have a nice neurodivergent friendly time. The jigsaw is a great idea! I saw something saying every gathering should offer a jigsaw :D
Thank you for offering support and community for those of us who have experienced religious abuse. I live in southwest Ohio and am interested in participating in religious trauma support. In-person is better, but virtual meetings can also be very helpful. I have been helped by participating in authentic conversations, listening to podcasts, and attending an affirming safe "church" community(The Open Table in Landen/Mason which is also starting a community in Jackson, Ohio). I now say that love is my religion and I started my own blog focused on loving ourselves and others fully and unconditionally: awakened2love.substack.com. I have also enjoyed the Evolving Faith online community which is a safe place to talk about our experiences and our beliefs, doubts and questions. https://community.evolvingfaith.com/
Hi fellow Ohioan! Are you more by the Cinci area? I guess I'm technically mid-ish/west-ish central Ohio (like an hour north/northwest of Dayton).
I find something so healing about affirming and genuinely, genuinely open church communities. Not familiar with Open Table but of course I know about Evolving Faith -- stuff like that feels like such a reclamation for me of what was stolen by controlling, power-hungry religion!
Yes, I'm in the Cincinnati area. Do you have a truly affirming and welcoming church community? They seem to be rare but it is wonderfully healing to find and be part of one.
I love all the topics you mentioned and when joining a group I like to know what “topic” we’re discussing ahead of time. Or the autobiographical meeting sounds good too. Whenever I meet someone who grew up in the church it takes all my will power to not just dive in the deep end - “tell me your story!!” 😂
I like to know something ahead of time too about what we're covering -- gives me a little more courage to actually show up! Hahahah I feel that too about feeling an instant connection and deep sense of curiosity; "okay tell me your whole life story, ready go!"
I was really pleased to find this post Christine. I'm glad you're considering setting this much needed group up. I've been leading a support group for LGBTQI+ individuals from religious and culturally conservative backgrounds (and their parents) for just over 5 years now.
Many of the LGBTQI+ individuals attending have experienced some kind of emotional, physiological or physical abuse from their parents because of how they were born (and how this conflicts with their parents' belief system). In some cases forced to leave their country of birth because their own family, community or law enforcement agencies wanted to kill them because of their LGBTQI+ identity.
The support group's format slowly developed over that period of time based on who attended and what they wanted from the group. It was important the format was reflective of what attendees needed the most.
Anonymity should be a key consideration, so that when attendees share their name they're encouraged to share any name they feel comfortable with, rather than their own.
Also, it may be worth keeping the location secret and known only to those who successfully register to attend.
(I've explained a little of my story, and why I work in this particular field on my Substack (free))
Happy to answer any questions if it can help support your community.
I'm a therapist too and doubt myself too much! What I've learned is, your fears might come true and do it anyway if it feels like it's the right thing for you to do. It might not be a huge group, it won't be for everyone, there may be a too vocal person who doesn't really get it. But you've got this! You'll prepare for all those things and then learn from them and then the next event will be better! "Step out in faith" 😂 to use some old lingo. I think ground rules, autobiographical sharing, some definitions of terms and psycho education, and something kind of churchy like shared singing - even just listening to music together - would be great! I'd like to come 😊 so virtual works if you want to try something bigger /from a larger area but I think in person is powerful and would most benefit your own community. I think you should try both - one time event and a group that starts afterwards. If it bombs, it bombs. Or maybe you won't like doing it. No worries, just move on with something else you want to do. But what if you love it and it feels powerful? I say go for it!
This is perfect :) I should just clip out what you've said and carry it around in my pocket! There's no downside to trying it, and it could be super great! Maybe one day I can organize something online, even! I'll keep y'all posted.
These are great suggestions. I’d join a regional zoom call! 😉
I don’t have any answers but I want you to know how much value you bring to my life. And not in a capitalistic, transactional way. Just by being you and sharing your heart and brain with us. 🩵
Thank you, Marla! 🥰 I'm grateful for the value you bring too, through your honesty and genuineness and zeal for your passion projects (like who else would write a book call "cut up my poems"?!?!? Brilliant!)
I love the bullet points you gave for topic discussions! And I would love a church-ish service with a lot of those things. What a cool conversation!
I too would like to go to a church-ish service with those elements... hoping others with this interest are out there as well!
It's intriguing and exciting that you are being called to this work, Christine!! You are the perfect person to do it. I really like what JackieM said and want to offer just a couple more thoughts.
You know I'm part of a trauma group that has produced amazing healing for all five members. There are a few secrets to the success. One is the explicit mutual understanding that we are all there to love and support one another. It's the love--feeling seen, heard, and valued--over the long term that produces the healing. Another principle is that we never offer advice, only encouragement and support. Advice is allowed only when someone specifically requests it. The last secret was inadvertent, but I think it has been important: We all are forward focused--focused on healing and growing. Looking backward to understand the trauma is important, but always with an eye toward healing, moving on to something much better, not wallowing in our anger and hurt. Maybe one more thing: everybody gets equal time to talk and share so all are heard and no one hogs the conversation. Some way of allotting time to each person to speak uninterrupted can be a big help. There may be a time of unstructured conversation too, but it really helps those who are shy if each person knows they will get a few minutes to share their thoughts at each meeting.
As for activities, I loved all the things on your list of possible activities. The one thing I am personally partial to is a time of group meditation and possibly brief sharing of insights afterwards or even during, like the Quakers.
Congrats for even taking the step of seriously thinking about doing this! Way to step into your calling!! I think you will find inner and outer support as you go!
These thoughts are sooo helpful! Thank you for sharing them. Those are some great principles: here for support & love, not here to give advice but instead to encourage, and keeping an eye toward future healing rather than rehashing old traumas! And equal-ish talk time. As someone who struggles to talk in groups, I really appreciate spaces that offer a designated time for me to talk (or pass if that's what I want to do!).
Thanks for your thoughts and the encouragement in this!!
Not long before my wife and I amicably split 3 months ago (married 33 years), she let me watch in on a zoom meeting for women partnered with someone autistic. Even though I was a bit like the villain in that equation, the group looked like a great support for her, and it helped us both complete the hard work of answering whether we were still a good match. At that point I wished there was a group for all those autistic men they were talking about. When I started following this group, I thought it would be awesome to have a group zoom with the people in this space. Covering the interesection of religious trauma and autism is a great fit for me. The articles from Christine are great, as are the responses from you all. I think what I was hoping for in such a group is the opportunity to brainstorm, since I am rebuilding identity as completely as I can. The "open book" aspect of a complete rebuild would, I think, benefit from sharing with a group of understanding individuals, and protect me somewhat from going off the rails. Hope this makes sense!
Oh wow, that's really recent of a split! Hoping you are doing okay in this major life transition.
That's fascinating about the support group / meeting for women with autistic partners (I just added myself to an interest list for children of autistic parents and am curious how that might turn out).
Gosh! I'm getting the sense that I might just have to organize something for us to meet virtually! You would add such valuable insight and thoughts. And how cool would it be to be able to put faces and personalities with names, having already established some trust and a clear common interest with each other??
As someone that finds ambiguity in everything, I am not sure you mean us as in you and I, or the us as in this group. "Faces and personalities" suggests the latter, but just checking. Detour: I wrote some poems about my experience, but sharing them is perhaps a one on one proposition for now. I you want to see them, email "just chris sykes @ gmail . com" (without the spaces).
I have just been diagnosed with Autism (I'm 46) and I am also a survivor of church trauma. I'd love to connect with you about the intersection of religious trauma and Autism. As a woman who was raised in the south and in fundamentally conservative churches with a mother who is Autistic, but wasn't diagnosed at the time, I have been also to understand how many of my church experiences shaped the way I thought about all aspects of life and the way I saw myself in the world. It left me with Complex PTSD, and a every deepening empathy for those who've experienced any type camouflaged trauma.
Good morning! I'm not a therapist but I hear you! My cute brain want to keep me safe" isolated". Miss and long for the community, nothing like the "love we have for one another" anywhere. They still don't know that I'm detangling, my truth after 2 years or so and I'm still feeling the shame and guilt. They invited me to do a " Freedom" Bible study" very fundamental, deep, and radical! Unfortunately, a chain far from freedom but im tempted to join again just for the churchy things I miss! I love the music and sisterhood the most! (Titus 2)
So my answer is yes! I would attend something like this!
Thank you for all you do!
The thing about your cute brain wanting to keep you "safe," aka isolated, resonates! The sense of community / purpose / meaning found in these churchy or spiritual settings is pretty hard to replicate. And group singing! That too!
Yay, good to know a group like this would be well-received by you! I'm glad you're here in this space. :)
I'm new here, so please forgive me if I'm asking you to repeat information.
Are there other faith communities near you where you could visit to find a healthier church community to participate in?
I ask because in addition to being a survivor of church trauma, I'm also a survivor of domestic abuse; and for me returning to or staying in the tempting comfort and familiarity of the church communities where I experienced trauma was very similar to staying in my abusive reason. In leaving, or not, returning to church communities where we experienced trauma, we experience uncertainty about whether we'll ever find another community to be a part of. Like an abusive partner, many church communities can make you feel like the only place you'll ever be wanted or "accepted" is with them.
There are safer church communities out there. Do your research; scour their websites and make sure to thoroughly investigate their stated beliefs and the stated beliefs of whatever denomination, or larger church body, that they are connected to. There is a large, multi-location church where I live. It's slick and comfortable. The pastors portray a relaxed and cool persona. So many wonderful people I meet attend one of their many campuses and believe their church is fully accepting of all people. They are always shocked when I tell them that while their church allows female pastor, they do not allow female pastors to be lead pastors or supervise male pastors. They're horrified when I tell them that not only does their church not allow for queer pastors, they also will not perform weddings for queer couples. This type of information isn't always easy to find on church websites but it's usually there, and if it isn't that could also be a red flag.
Anyway, I feel like I've been in a similar place to you and I thank you for sharing your thoughts so courageously. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.
I've realized that "small groups" just aren't where I thrive socially... there's ALWAYS the "talker" who takes over and then everyone is just staring at each other and it's boring and antsy and then when it's your turn to talk it's like kind of intense. I dream about introvert gatherings like... what if it was just like a chill party, and there were snacks, and maybe mario kart set up, and maybe some coloring sheets, and a jigsaw puzzle out, and we could just all hang out together and let the conversations flow while we're all doing something with busy hands instead of sitting around staring at each other. But maybe that's just me 😂
Omg I WANT THIS GROUP. A gathering where there's something else to do (in another post, I believe Christopher was talking about Scrabble marathon parties!) but mingling / socializing / playing can just happen but without weird small talk. LOVE IT!!
It's not just you! I am using that very idea to decorate my new place :D
I haven't got many takers yet, but a small number of neurodivergent people (1 or 2) come and do art with me and I put it on my wall, along with their favorite word about themselves. The art doesn't have to be good. It just creates a memory and we have a nice neurodivergent friendly time. The jigsaw is a great idea! I saw something saying every gathering should offer a jigsaw :D
Thank you for offering support and community for those of us who have experienced religious abuse. I live in southwest Ohio and am interested in participating in religious trauma support. In-person is better, but virtual meetings can also be very helpful. I have been helped by participating in authentic conversations, listening to podcasts, and attending an affirming safe "church" community(The Open Table in Landen/Mason which is also starting a community in Jackson, Ohio). I now say that love is my religion and I started my own blog focused on loving ourselves and others fully and unconditionally: awakened2love.substack.com. I have also enjoyed the Evolving Faith online community which is a safe place to talk about our experiences and our beliefs, doubts and questions. https://community.evolvingfaith.com/
Hi fellow Ohioan! Are you more by the Cinci area? I guess I'm technically mid-ish/west-ish central Ohio (like an hour north/northwest of Dayton).
I find something so healing about affirming and genuinely, genuinely open church communities. Not familiar with Open Table but of course I know about Evolving Faith -- stuff like that feels like such a reclamation for me of what was stolen by controlling, power-hungry religion!
Yes, I'm in the Cincinnati area. Do you have a truly affirming and welcoming church community? They seem to be rare but it is wonderfully healing to find and be part of one.
I love all the topics you mentioned and when joining a group I like to know what “topic” we’re discussing ahead of time. Or the autobiographical meeting sounds good too. Whenever I meet someone who grew up in the church it takes all my will power to not just dive in the deep end - “tell me your story!!” 😂
I like to know something ahead of time too about what we're covering -- gives me a little more courage to actually show up! Hahahah I feel that too about feeling an instant connection and deep sense of curiosity; "okay tell me your whole life story, ready go!"
I was really pleased to find this post Christine. I'm glad you're considering setting this much needed group up. I've been leading a support group for LGBTQI+ individuals from religious and culturally conservative backgrounds (and their parents) for just over 5 years now.
Many of the LGBTQI+ individuals attending have experienced some kind of emotional, physiological or physical abuse from their parents because of how they were born (and how this conflicts with their parents' belief system). In some cases forced to leave their country of birth because their own family, community or law enforcement agencies wanted to kill them because of their LGBTQI+ identity.
The support group's format slowly developed over that period of time based on who attended and what they wanted from the group. It was important the format was reflective of what attendees needed the most.
Anonymity should be a key consideration, so that when attendees share their name they're encouraged to share any name they feel comfortable with, rather than their own.
Also, it may be worth keeping the location secret and known only to those who successfully register to attend.
(I've explained a little of my story, and why I work in this particular field on my Substack (free))
Happy to answer any questions if it can help support your community.