This was a fantastic essay! I feel so seen! I really related to what you said about wanting to have “interesting” conversations with the men instead of being shuffled off to the wives. My husband is a PhD student and I think I similarly feel a sense of 1) fear that I’ll be shunted into dishes, childcare, and entertaining instead of getting to talk about ethics and art and so on and 2) a sense of entitlement that counteracts that fear and that makes me assert my right to exist in those intellectual spaces. I also really appreciated your thought about trans people not having an agenda other than to exist as themselves.
When I feel my inability to feel at home in my gender’s expectations, I waver between thinking that the box for female is too narrow and thinking that maybe I don’t fit squarely in that box. Maybe it’s some of both. But I would love to hear more of your thoughts about your female-leaning androgynous presentation and how you process that!
Thanks, Rebecca! Ooh that's interesting with the PhD student comparison! I love that you can assert your right to exist and talk in those spaces, too! I know in seminary (where my now-husband and I met) I especially loved hanging out with my guy friends who were in the MDiv program. I loved the conversations!
I really want to explore more about the gender expectations and those boxes that DO feel way too narrow. Even as I was writing this post, I was thinking "but WHY do I think that 'femininity' looks this particular way? Why can't it look all these kinds of ways, too?" I don't want to feel like I'm waxing on too much about myself, but if I can figure out a way to expand female-leaning androgynous presentation into a post, I will!
That's great, I would love to hear more about it if you feel like sharing and/or can find a way to write it that sits well with you. :-) I have been heavily influenced by a Catholic Instagrammer named Helen (@notyourmanicpixiedreamcurl) who is a self-described "natural beauty celebrant/beauty industry critic" who is trying to argue that real femininity does not equate to shaving and wearing makeup. In other words, she has a pretty strong belief in gender essentialism and is trying to expand what we allow ourselves to think of as "female" and "feminine." I find that kind of work interesting, while also thinking that she's wrong about the gender binary.
Ok I looked her up! Interesting take and I’m going to have to watch and think more on this to figure out my thoughts... but I will definitely DM you those thoughts! 😅
Thanks for writing this - I'm sure there's a lot more to say, especially about how gendered expectations are a burden on all of us to some extent: for example, I was always the quiet boy who would rather be reading than kicking a ball around.
I would really like to get into more of that! About how limiting the gendered expectations are for not just females and non-binary people, but males too!!
Mar 26, 2023·edited Apr 11, 2023Liked by Christine Greenwald
That was me too, Paul! The sensitive bookish kid. Even now, I’d much rather hang with intellectual women talking about books and deep ideas than with men who like sports! (Though I did eventually play some sports and learn to appreciate them.)
Seems like all the fuss and hate that used to be directed at guys by the Christian right is now directed towards trans. What happened? Don't they hate guys anymore? Is it because gay marriage is now legal?
Yeah it definitely seems like since marriage equality became the law of the land (...for now?), the Religious Right has moved on to a new target. Also that being gay and gay marriage in general is so much more broadly accepted that they know they can't devote too much hatred that direction or it'll backfire... so instead its trans people (and also drag shows, which are not the same thing...)
Mar 26, 2023·edited Mar 26, 2023Liked by Christine Greenwald
Such powerful writing, Christine! Thanks for being uniquely you and encouraging all of us to support everyone in being fully and uniquely who they are. That’s true freedom.
Mar 24, 2023·edited Mar 24, 2023Liked by Christine Greenwald
Such an important topic! Moral panics being weaponized against trans people was part of my growing-up world, and it makes me so sad, especially since I love people who are trans. Like you, when I first ventured out of the bubble I was given, I discovered that the LGBTQ+ community (which I later realized I was a part of) was just a bunch of humans trying to live their lives. Thank you for bringing awareness and context to these important discussions about real people through your work and writing!
Samesies! Let's just all live our lives, yeah?? I'm really glad I know more now than I did when I was a kid, only given the limited info they'd let me have back then. Thanks for commenting!
This was a fantastic essay! I feel so seen! I really related to what you said about wanting to have “interesting” conversations with the men instead of being shuffled off to the wives. My husband is a PhD student and I think I similarly feel a sense of 1) fear that I’ll be shunted into dishes, childcare, and entertaining instead of getting to talk about ethics and art and so on and 2) a sense of entitlement that counteracts that fear and that makes me assert my right to exist in those intellectual spaces. I also really appreciated your thought about trans people not having an agenda other than to exist as themselves.
When I feel my inability to feel at home in my gender’s expectations, I waver between thinking that the box for female is too narrow and thinking that maybe I don’t fit squarely in that box. Maybe it’s some of both. But I would love to hear more of your thoughts about your female-leaning androgynous presentation and how you process that!
I am so here for a part 2.
Thanks, Rebecca! Ooh that's interesting with the PhD student comparison! I love that you can assert your right to exist and talk in those spaces, too! I know in seminary (where my now-husband and I met) I especially loved hanging out with my guy friends who were in the MDiv program. I loved the conversations!
I really want to explore more about the gender expectations and those boxes that DO feel way too narrow. Even as I was writing this post, I was thinking "but WHY do I think that 'femininity' looks this particular way? Why can't it look all these kinds of ways, too?" I don't want to feel like I'm waxing on too much about myself, but if I can figure out a way to expand female-leaning androgynous presentation into a post, I will!
That's great, I would love to hear more about it if you feel like sharing and/or can find a way to write it that sits well with you. :-) I have been heavily influenced by a Catholic Instagrammer named Helen (@notyourmanicpixiedreamcurl) who is a self-described "natural beauty celebrant/beauty industry critic" who is trying to argue that real femininity does not equate to shaving and wearing makeup. In other words, she has a pretty strong belief in gender essentialism and is trying to expand what we allow ourselves to think of as "female" and "feminine." I find that kind of work interesting, while also thinking that she's wrong about the gender binary.
Ok I looked her up! Interesting take and I’m going to have to watch and think more on this to figure out my thoughts... but I will definitely DM you those thoughts! 😅
Thanks for writing this - I'm sure there's a lot more to say, especially about how gendered expectations are a burden on all of us to some extent: for example, I was always the quiet boy who would rather be reading than kicking a ball around.
I would really like to get into more of that! About how limiting the gendered expectations are for not just females and non-binary people, but males too!!
That was me too, Paul! The sensitive bookish kid. Even now, I’d much rather hang with intellectual women talking about books and deep ideas than with men who like sports! (Though I did eventually play some sports and learn to appreciate them.)
Loved this. Thank you so much for writing it!
Thanks! I’m so excited to see you here 😊
Whew! Right on! I'd love to see part two.
Seems like all the fuss and hate that used to be directed at guys by the Christian right is now directed towards trans. What happened? Don't they hate guys anymore? Is it because gay marriage is now legal?
Yeah it definitely seems like since marriage equality became the law of the land (...for now?), the Religious Right has moved on to a new target. Also that being gay and gay marriage in general is so much more broadly accepted that they know they can't devote too much hatred that direction or it'll backfire... so instead its trans people (and also drag shows, which are not the same thing...)
Oh yes, part 2, please!
Such powerful writing, Christine! Thanks for being uniquely you and encouraging all of us to support everyone in being fully and uniquely who they are. That’s true freedom.
Such an important topic! Moral panics being weaponized against trans people was part of my growing-up world, and it makes me so sad, especially since I love people who are trans. Like you, when I first ventured out of the bubble I was given, I discovered that the LGBTQ+ community (which I later realized I was a part of) was just a bunch of humans trying to live their lives. Thank you for bringing awareness and context to these important discussions about real people through your work and writing!
Samesies! Let's just all live our lives, yeah?? I'm really glad I know more now than I did when I was a kid, only given the limited info they'd let me have back then. Thanks for commenting!