I love this, Christine! You have a knack for putting my exact thoughts into words. I could say the exact same things, but about writing fiction. Writing novels is definitely my special interest, and brings me so much joy that's probably hard for the outside observer to understand. But I've decided to fully, unashamedly embrace the joy it gives me, and the way storytelling lights me up. When I was a teen it was the same, but evangelicalism taught me to be ashamed of having such a strong passion for anything other than for Jesus. They called it idolatry. So I "sacrificed" writing to pursue ministry/missions... until ten years later when I burned out and my bottled-up writer's soul erupted with a vengeance. Part of me wishes I'd never given it up, and had studied Creative Writing and all, because then I would have ten more years of writing experience and maybe have something published by now. But then, the other part of me realizes that if I hadn't had the experience of *missing* writing, and of the difference between ministry/missions burning me out and writing making me come alive, then I wouldn't be able to say now with confidence that writing fiction is what I do, what I want to do, and what I choose to focus on growing and improving in, for the long haul.
Yes!!! I liked reading your post today and how much love and passion you feel about writing -- it really does transmit, when people just LOVE the thing they're doing. I'm so happy for you that you're fully embracing writing fiction. Definitely, definitely idea resonate with the idea of being told that being passionate about non-Jesus things was categorized as idolatry and that we learned to sacrifice / sublimate our own interests and passions in service of what evangelicalism wanted of us.
And I love the optimistic / hopeful approach you take at the end of how realizing you really did miss writing and now that's lighting your fire, as you realize this IS what you want to do!
Cheers to non-resolutions! And cheers to putting yourself first. And your kids will see their mom taking care of herself and finding her own joy and they’ll know how to do it for themselves one day! 🩷 And even though you couldn’t pay me to run a marathon - I’m so happy for you! Watching my husband run one a few years ago was one of the most magical days.
That's right, I hope so!! (Also, sometimes I think about how generationally, our parenting generation expects SO much more of ourselves than those who came before us!).
Aw, finishing a big race is always so emotional 🥲 I love that it was magical for you, too!
"It’s as if by declaring what I want to do, I will almost assuredly cause an injury, long Covid, nonstop viruses, and a 4-month-long sleep regression to come upon me. That superstitious feeling is really hard to shake, it turns out."
I soooooo relate to this. For me, it feels like anxiety, like I'm waiting to be smited by an angry god. Glad you are leaning into the audacity of putting yourself first.
Oh gosh that feeling is SO real. Like today, now that I've put out this intention/plan into the universe, I've actually felt more anxious about every little twitch and niggle and suddenly started to doubt myself. It really is an anxiety, and when it has spiritual connotations, DOES feel like a disapproving, disappointed, angry god!
I LOVE the idea of leaning into your JOY! (and I'm a very firm believer that doing just that is exactly what I want to model to my kids, that I become a better mother because of it, and frankly, a better everything!) Happy running....
That is so true that I am modeling to both the kids (a boy and a girl - important for both of them to see this!) that I am a full human too with interests and passions that are totally outside them -- and hopefully it allows me to come back to them as a happier, more fulfilled mother!
You mention you’re not from a “name it and claim it” tradition, but this might help you power through if the race gets tough:
When I was a kid, my mom WAS into a lot of name it and claim it pop theology, and my dad was on board, but JUST skeptical enough. Every time someone would talk about a hope or a dream or a goal in our home, my mom would say, “Let’s name it and claim it!” And every time my dad would hear her, he would nod in agreement and echo quietly and solemnly behind her, “Stab it and grab it.” 🤣
I remember I did (selfish) things "as unto Him", which after reading your story sounds like a Christian back door to doing what I (selfishly) wanted to do. In my case that was Scrabble, which I shamelessly plug as potential good-fit hobby for neurodivergent folks, and multi-day Scrabble tournaments feel like the perfect long running party for neurodivergent people. You get to focus on something you like without the burden of conversation for about 8 hours a day, then go hang out with people that you feel comfortable with - it's totally awesome! I used to like running, too! I miss the ability to run long.
Gotta say, your Scrabble tournaments sound like an amazing way to socialize -- what's better than hanging out with people without the boring awkwardness of all the small talk?? The "Christian back door" line makes me smirk/chuckle but also, that's so real. When you're constrained so much though, you've gotta find ways to express yourself!
We have a standing joke in our little community about someone intelligent but socially awkward (because we have our share of such people) sitting in a therapy session, and the therapist asks "Have you considered Scrabble?". It's a safe environment for us, and it has been especially important to me of late.
Luckily we had an excellent exchange via text message ;) And the idea of subversion!! And pursuing our own wholeness as something that actually IS life-giving for the community/world as a whole!
Thank you for writing something about motherhood that doesn’t make me feel like I’m insane! I remember reading Burnout a couple years ago. It didn’t live up to its hype for me, I think because it just didn’t speak my soul language somehow. But I remember toward the end they were challenging readers to set aside 2 hours a day doing things for themselves--like exercise, eating, hobbies, etc. Then they said if 2 hours sounds like way too much time, don’t worry, by eating we mean every thing that goes into food, including grocery shopping and cooking. And I wanted to throw the book across the room. THATS THE ENTIRE TWO HOURS, AMELIA AND EMILY! Why does so much self care advice for women leave me feeling like I’m not enough of a doormat?
“I’m selfish” in italics, multiple times, while celebrating achievements and indulging in hobbies, is such an antidote to narratives of womanhood that have always felt terrible and wrong.
Oh my gosh, YES!!! "Why does so much self care advice for women leave me feeling like I’m not enough of a doormat?" I feel that same exact way! Opting out of that, please!! I'm so glad to know you're a resonant soul out there in this regard 💜
Ran a 50 miler the year my eldest went through a mental health crisis as a teen. Never been an evangelical (I’m a progressive pastor) but I can relate to a lot of this! I needed this thing that was MINE. But the situation also gave me perspective to be very World’s Okayest about my training. And I often said “yeah I’m doing an ultra, but it’s only the second hardest thing a Dana is doing this year and it’s not even close.”
I love that! Being the World's Okayest, and needing something that is just yours in the midst of doing all that you can to support your child who needed you, too! (Also, 50 miles?!? Amazing!)
I resonate! When I was a dad, I loved that role, but I was also a professional, a runner, a reader and thinker, and I had both family interests and personal interests. We owe it to ourselves and our kids to be full human beings and to teach them to grow up balanced in their roles and activities too!
I love this, Christine! You have a knack for putting my exact thoughts into words. I could say the exact same things, but about writing fiction. Writing novels is definitely my special interest, and brings me so much joy that's probably hard for the outside observer to understand. But I've decided to fully, unashamedly embrace the joy it gives me, and the way storytelling lights me up. When I was a teen it was the same, but evangelicalism taught me to be ashamed of having such a strong passion for anything other than for Jesus. They called it idolatry. So I "sacrificed" writing to pursue ministry/missions... until ten years later when I burned out and my bottled-up writer's soul erupted with a vengeance. Part of me wishes I'd never given it up, and had studied Creative Writing and all, because then I would have ten more years of writing experience and maybe have something published by now. But then, the other part of me realizes that if I hadn't had the experience of *missing* writing, and of the difference between ministry/missions burning me out and writing making me come alive, then I wouldn't be able to say now with confidence that writing fiction is what I do, what I want to do, and what I choose to focus on growing and improving in, for the long haul.
Yes!!! I liked reading your post today and how much love and passion you feel about writing -- it really does transmit, when people just LOVE the thing they're doing. I'm so happy for you that you're fully embracing writing fiction. Definitely, definitely idea resonate with the idea of being told that being passionate about non-Jesus things was categorized as idolatry and that we learned to sacrifice / sublimate our own interests and passions in service of what evangelicalism wanted of us.
And I love the optimistic / hopeful approach you take at the end of how realizing you really did miss writing and now that's lighting your fire, as you realize this IS what you want to do!
Thanks!
Cheers to non-resolutions! And cheers to putting yourself first. And your kids will see their mom taking care of herself and finding her own joy and they’ll know how to do it for themselves one day! 🩷 And even though you couldn’t pay me to run a marathon - I’m so happy for you! Watching my husband run one a few years ago was one of the most magical days.
That's right, I hope so!! (Also, sometimes I think about how generationally, our parenting generation expects SO much more of ourselves than those who came before us!).
Aw, finishing a big race is always so emotional 🥲 I love that it was magical for you, too!
Love this for you, Christine! Cheers to doing things that you actually want to do!
Cheers! Reminds me of your various posts related to joy-filled-things as spiritual practice!
"It’s as if by declaring what I want to do, I will almost assuredly cause an injury, long Covid, nonstop viruses, and a 4-month-long sleep regression to come upon me. That superstitious feeling is really hard to shake, it turns out."
I soooooo relate to this. For me, it feels like anxiety, like I'm waiting to be smited by an angry god. Glad you are leaning into the audacity of putting yourself first.
Oh gosh that feeling is SO real. Like today, now that I've put out this intention/plan into the universe, I've actually felt more anxious about every little twitch and niggle and suddenly started to doubt myself. It really is an anxiety, and when it has spiritual connotations, DOES feel like a disapproving, disappointed, angry god!
I LOVE the idea of leaning into your JOY! (and I'm a very firm believer that doing just that is exactly what I want to model to my kids, that I become a better mother because of it, and frankly, a better everything!) Happy running....
That is so true that I am modeling to both the kids (a boy and a girl - important for both of them to see this!) that I am a full human too with interests and passions that are totally outside them -- and hopefully it allows me to come back to them as a happier, more fulfilled mother!
Cheering you on!
You mention you’re not from a “name it and claim it” tradition, but this might help you power through if the race gets tough:
When I was a kid, my mom WAS into a lot of name it and claim it pop theology, and my dad was on board, but JUST skeptical enough. Every time someone would talk about a hope or a dream or a goal in our home, my mom would say, “Let’s name it and claim it!” And every time my dad would hear her, he would nod in agreement and echo quietly and solemnly behind her, “Stab it and grab it.” 🤣
Go stab it and and grab it, Christine! 🏃♀️
Hahaha! This made me chuckle repeatedly while I rolled it around in my head 🤣
Hope your soft launch into 2024 is going well! ;)
I looooooooovw this for you!!! NO GLORY FOR JESUS is my motto too. 🤣🤣🤣
hahahaha! Admittedly, after writing that I felt like I should be glancing over my shoulder to see who was gonna come after me for that line... 🤣😅
Get it printed on the back of your marathon shirt. 😎
Lol!! That would get some attention ... and alarm?? 🤣
The Holy Ghosting podcast just had a wrap up episode called “More of me, Less of him” 🤣🤣
LOVE THAT.
I remember I did (selfish) things "as unto Him", which after reading your story sounds like a Christian back door to doing what I (selfishly) wanted to do. In my case that was Scrabble, which I shamelessly plug as potential good-fit hobby for neurodivergent folks, and multi-day Scrabble tournaments feel like the perfect long running party for neurodivergent people. You get to focus on something you like without the burden of conversation for about 8 hours a day, then go hang out with people that you feel comfortable with - it's totally awesome! I used to like running, too! I miss the ability to run long.
Gotta say, your Scrabble tournaments sound like an amazing way to socialize -- what's better than hanging out with people without the boring awkwardness of all the small talk?? The "Christian back door" line makes me smirk/chuckle but also, that's so real. When you're constrained so much though, you've gotta find ways to express yourself!
We have a standing joke in our little community about someone intelligent but socially awkward (because we have our share of such people) sitting in a therapy session, and the therapist asks "Have you considered Scrabble?". It's a safe environment for us, and it has been especially important to me of late.
Hehehe! I like that.
I wonder if there can be a nuanced difference between “selfishness” and “doing something for my health”?
Luckily we had an excellent exchange via text message ;) And the idea of subversion!! And pursuing our own wholeness as something that actually IS life-giving for the community/world as a whole!
Thank you for writing something about motherhood that doesn’t make me feel like I’m insane! I remember reading Burnout a couple years ago. It didn’t live up to its hype for me, I think because it just didn’t speak my soul language somehow. But I remember toward the end they were challenging readers to set aside 2 hours a day doing things for themselves--like exercise, eating, hobbies, etc. Then they said if 2 hours sounds like way too much time, don’t worry, by eating we mean every thing that goes into food, including grocery shopping and cooking. And I wanted to throw the book across the room. THATS THE ENTIRE TWO HOURS, AMELIA AND EMILY! Why does so much self care advice for women leave me feeling like I’m not enough of a doormat?
“I’m selfish” in italics, multiple times, while celebrating achievements and indulging in hobbies, is such an antidote to narratives of womanhood that have always felt terrible and wrong.
Oh my gosh, YES!!! "Why does so much self care advice for women leave me feeling like I’m not enough of a doormat?" I feel that same exact way! Opting out of that, please!! I'm so glad to know you're a resonant soul out there in this regard 💜
It’s me…Hi…I’m the hero it’s me
😎😍 love that!
Ran a 50 miler the year my eldest went through a mental health crisis as a teen. Never been an evangelical (I’m a progressive pastor) but I can relate to a lot of this! I needed this thing that was MINE. But the situation also gave me perspective to be very World’s Okayest about my training. And I often said “yeah I’m doing an ultra, but it’s only the second hardest thing a Dana is doing this year and it’s not even close.”
Run happy!
I love that! Being the World's Okayest, and needing something that is just yours in the midst of doing all that you can to support your child who needed you, too! (Also, 50 miles?!? Amazing!)
I resonate! When I was a dad, I loved that role, but I was also a professional, a runner, a reader and thinker, and I had both family interests and personal interests. We owe it to ourselves and our kids to be full human beings and to teach them to grow up balanced in their roles and activities too!