I love this, Christine! You have a knack for putting my exact thoughts into words. I could say the exact same things, but about writing fiction. Writing novels is definitely my special interest, and brings me so much joy that's probably hard for the outside observer to understand. But I've decided to fully, unashamedly embrace the joy it gives me, and the way storytelling lights me up. When I was a teen it was the same, but evangelicalism taught me to be ashamed of having such a strong passion for anything other than for Jesus. They called it idolatry. So I "sacrificed" writing to pursue ministry/missions... until ten years later when I burned out and my bottled-up writer's soul erupted with a vengeance. Part of me wishes I'd never given it up, and had studied Creative Writing and all, because then I would have ten more years of writing experience and maybe have something published by now. But then, the other part of me realizes that if I hadn't had the experience of *missing* writing, and of the difference between ministry/missions burning me out and writing making me come alive, then I wouldn't be able to say now with confidence that writing fiction is what I do, what I want to do, and what I choose to focus on growing and improving in, for the long haul.
Cheers to non-resolutions! And cheers to putting yourself first. And your kids will see their mom taking care of herself and finding her own joy and they’ll know how to do it for themselves one day! 🩷 And even though you couldn’t pay me to run a marathon - I’m so happy for you! Watching my husband run one a few years ago was one of the most magical days.
"It’s as if by declaring what I want to do, I will almost assuredly cause an injury, long Covid, nonstop viruses, and a 4-month-long sleep regression to come upon me. That superstitious feeling is really hard to shake, it turns out."
I soooooo relate to this. For me, it feels like anxiety, like I'm waiting to be smited by an angry god. Glad you are leaning into the audacity of putting yourself first.
I LOVE the idea of leaning into your JOY! (and I'm a very firm believer that doing just that is exactly what I want to model to my kids, that I become a better mother because of it, and frankly, a better everything!) Happy running....
You mention you’re not from a “name it and claim it” tradition, but this might help you power through if the race gets tough:
When I was a kid, my mom WAS into a lot of name it and claim it pop theology, and my dad was on board, but JUST skeptical enough. Every time someone would talk about a hope or a dream or a goal in our home, my mom would say, “Let’s name it and claim it!” And every time my dad would hear her, he would nod in agreement and echo quietly and solemnly behind her, “Stab it and grab it.” 🤣
I remember I did (selfish) things "as unto Him", which after reading your story sounds like a Christian back door to doing what I (selfishly) wanted to do. In my case that was Scrabble, which I shamelessly plug as potential good-fit hobby for neurodivergent folks, and multi-day Scrabble tournaments feel like the perfect long running party for neurodivergent people. You get to focus on something you like without the burden of conversation for about 8 hours a day, then go hang out with people that you feel comfortable with - it's totally awesome! I used to like running, too! I miss the ability to run long.
Thank you for writing something about motherhood that doesn’t make me feel like I’m insane! I remember reading Burnout a couple years ago. It didn’t live up to its hype for me, I think because it just didn’t speak my soul language somehow. But I remember toward the end they were challenging readers to set aside 2 hours a day doing things for themselves--like exercise, eating, hobbies, etc. Then they said if 2 hours sounds like way too much time, don’t worry, by eating we mean every thing that goes into food, including grocery shopping and cooking. And I wanted to throw the book across the room. THATS THE ENTIRE TWO HOURS, AMELIA AND EMILY! Why does so much self care advice for women leave me feeling like I’m not enough of a doormat?
“I’m selfish” in italics, multiple times, while celebrating achievements and indulging in hobbies, is such an antidote to narratives of womanhood that have always felt terrible and wrong.
Ran a 50 miler the year my eldest went through a mental health crisis as a teen. Never been an evangelical (I’m a progressive pastor) but I can relate to a lot of this! I needed this thing that was MINE. But the situation also gave me perspective to be very World’s Okayest about my training. And I often said “yeah I’m doing an ultra, but it’s only the second hardest thing a Dana is doing this year and it’s not even close.”
I resonate! When I was a dad, I loved that role, but I was also a professional, a runner, a reader and thinker, and I had both family interests and personal interests. We owe it to ourselves and our kids to be full human beings and to teach them to grow up balanced in their roles and activities too!
I love this, Christine! You have a knack for putting my exact thoughts into words. I could say the exact same things, but about writing fiction. Writing novels is definitely my special interest, and brings me so much joy that's probably hard for the outside observer to understand. But I've decided to fully, unashamedly embrace the joy it gives me, and the way storytelling lights me up. When I was a teen it was the same, but evangelicalism taught me to be ashamed of having such a strong passion for anything other than for Jesus. They called it idolatry. So I "sacrificed" writing to pursue ministry/missions... until ten years later when I burned out and my bottled-up writer's soul erupted with a vengeance. Part of me wishes I'd never given it up, and had studied Creative Writing and all, because then I would have ten more years of writing experience and maybe have something published by now. But then, the other part of me realizes that if I hadn't had the experience of *missing* writing, and of the difference between ministry/missions burning me out and writing making me come alive, then I wouldn't be able to say now with confidence that writing fiction is what I do, what I want to do, and what I choose to focus on growing and improving in, for the long haul.
Cheers to non-resolutions! And cheers to putting yourself first. And your kids will see their mom taking care of herself and finding her own joy and they’ll know how to do it for themselves one day! 🩷 And even though you couldn’t pay me to run a marathon - I’m so happy for you! Watching my husband run one a few years ago was one of the most magical days.
Love this for you, Christine! Cheers to doing things that you actually want to do!
"It’s as if by declaring what I want to do, I will almost assuredly cause an injury, long Covid, nonstop viruses, and a 4-month-long sleep regression to come upon me. That superstitious feeling is really hard to shake, it turns out."
I soooooo relate to this. For me, it feels like anxiety, like I'm waiting to be smited by an angry god. Glad you are leaning into the audacity of putting yourself first.
I LOVE the idea of leaning into your JOY! (and I'm a very firm believer that doing just that is exactly what I want to model to my kids, that I become a better mother because of it, and frankly, a better everything!) Happy running....
You mention you’re not from a “name it and claim it” tradition, but this might help you power through if the race gets tough:
When I was a kid, my mom WAS into a lot of name it and claim it pop theology, and my dad was on board, but JUST skeptical enough. Every time someone would talk about a hope or a dream or a goal in our home, my mom would say, “Let’s name it and claim it!” And every time my dad would hear her, he would nod in agreement and echo quietly and solemnly behind her, “Stab it and grab it.” 🤣
Go stab it and and grab it, Christine! 🏃♀️
I looooooooovw this for you!!! NO GLORY FOR JESUS is my motto too. 🤣🤣🤣
I remember I did (selfish) things "as unto Him", which after reading your story sounds like a Christian back door to doing what I (selfishly) wanted to do. In my case that was Scrabble, which I shamelessly plug as potential good-fit hobby for neurodivergent folks, and multi-day Scrabble tournaments feel like the perfect long running party for neurodivergent people. You get to focus on something you like without the burden of conversation for about 8 hours a day, then go hang out with people that you feel comfortable with - it's totally awesome! I used to like running, too! I miss the ability to run long.
I wonder if there can be a nuanced difference between “selfishness” and “doing something for my health”?
Thank you for writing something about motherhood that doesn’t make me feel like I’m insane! I remember reading Burnout a couple years ago. It didn’t live up to its hype for me, I think because it just didn’t speak my soul language somehow. But I remember toward the end they were challenging readers to set aside 2 hours a day doing things for themselves--like exercise, eating, hobbies, etc. Then they said if 2 hours sounds like way too much time, don’t worry, by eating we mean every thing that goes into food, including grocery shopping and cooking. And I wanted to throw the book across the room. THATS THE ENTIRE TWO HOURS, AMELIA AND EMILY! Why does so much self care advice for women leave me feeling like I’m not enough of a doormat?
“I’m selfish” in italics, multiple times, while celebrating achievements and indulging in hobbies, is such an antidote to narratives of womanhood that have always felt terrible and wrong.
It’s me…Hi…I’m the hero it’s me
Ran a 50 miler the year my eldest went through a mental health crisis as a teen. Never been an evangelical (I’m a progressive pastor) but I can relate to a lot of this! I needed this thing that was MINE. But the situation also gave me perspective to be very World’s Okayest about my training. And I often said “yeah I’m doing an ultra, but it’s only the second hardest thing a Dana is doing this year and it’s not even close.”
Run happy!
I resonate! When I was a dad, I loved that role, but I was also a professional, a runner, a reader and thinker, and I had both family interests and personal interests. We owe it to ourselves and our kids to be full human beings and to teach them to grow up balanced in their roles and activities too!