There's a lot of necessary stuff, balls to juggle and balls to drop, and sometimes it's all too much. And that's probably the bulk of it. But please remember that, assuming you don't want it, you may not have to do the intense, people-y event things. Those memories are still fun for your kids if they're done with someone else! Dad-time, grandpa-time, auntie-who-love that-stuff-and-cousin-time, neighbor-whose-kids-you-sometimes-feed time.
And giving the kids an idea that people, parents included, are allowed to have preferences and boundaries, is an incredibly valuable gift to them. It sends the message that they're allowed to do that too.
That's a very true point! Love love that parents also are allowed to have preferences and values.
It's challenging with my husband being a pastor, he wants to do various social-y community things, which unfortunately also tend to spike my anxiety. I don't have any ideals about being a good pastor wife or anything (like I really don't care) - it's more trying to figure out the minimum I can do to be polite. But the other stuff, especially as the kids get older/more independent -- totally, I could just turn them over to someone else and they could have a grand time!
You sound like you might be a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP), Christine (laughing as I offer the therapist a “diagnosis”). We have a higher level of sensitivity to both the outer and inner worlds and need a lot more quiet inner processing time to feel fully well. It’s not something that’s broken, just our personality, like extroverts need lots of people time to feel well; we are the opposite. Specifically about parenting, overwhelm happens to all parents, especially when the whining and crying starts. That’s when tag team parenting really helps, and I’m sure you guys do that for mutual survival. I hope you can accept yourself as the person you are with your particular needs, and continue to show yourself the same compassion you show clients and family. As you said, you can’t help others if you are depleted all the time. Your needs are valid and it’s OK to honor them and carve out whatever “me” time you can find or create each day. Maybe sharing those needs with your husband and building more of an external support system could also help—older ladies at church, for example, who might pop in for a bit of the joy of taking care of two cute kiddos while you go running or to yoga or meditation or whatever? Sorry for all the advice when I know you know all this, but maybe it helps to hear it from others: You are valid, your needs are valid and important, and it’s OK to try to meet them. Thanks for sharing so openly, and I hope you will get the help and support you need to make it through. And lastly, I know what you really need is this from other HSP parents who have been there and totally understand: 🤗❤️🙏 Please take good care of yourself.
Lol, I have definitely been looking more into the HSP thing! Maybe a year ago I would have scoffed at the notion, but now I'm like *yikes!* yeah no that's a real thing, and it's okay if you're highly sensitive.
I'm a dedicated runner and I'm pretty protective over that "me" time and have recently started thinking of it as my "Prozac" because - especially when I'm having a really rough time and can't feel hardly any joy - running is one of the only things that gives me some happiness and peace, at least for a little bit. (most of the time I don't feel that low, but when I do, it's really one of the only things that helps). So I won't feel guilty about carving that out (and encouraging my husband to do stuff to take care of himself and have "him" time too).
I don't mind the advice. :) I know it comes from a place of care and support! I'm trying to reach out more to friends and actually just got back from "tea time" with one of the only local friends I have, which was quite lovely. And it's good to know and hear from other HSP parents who have been here and made it through! Thanks for writing, and always keeping me company in these comment sections - these exchanges are another thing that bring me joy!
You're welcome! I enjoy your writing so much! As an aside, I was a runner too for a couple of decades, and there is no better "Prozac." Now it's hiking for me, but it's the same thing--time in nature, fresh air, getting those endorphins pumping! It makes a world of difference. So glad you have that to refresh you and you're finding some support. :-)
Yikes! I feel for Sad Sally. It's been a long time since I've had crying babies but as I remember it's not fun. I feel that response even with babies on an airplane. Stuck with the cry for ten hours is torture. Brings back old responses.
Is it possible for you to cut back on your workload? Or do you need the $$$? I suppose that would just put you back in childcare for another hour. Can you leave them with their sitter and take that hour for yourself?
Thanks! Hey look, you got your own account going again and started your newsletter (or at least it shows up by your name) - yay!
Haha you get it that cutting back my hours would put me back in childcare for more time 😅 It's less about needing the money and more about attempting to meet the needs of everyone who is continually contacting me! I think it might slow down now that I updated my Psychology Today profile to say I have a waiting list...
My mom is the sitter (which is amazing, but also it's hard to ask her for more when she does so much, so I try to be cautious about that!). I was just talking with my friend here about how to arrange my schedule better so my brain isn't melting out my ears by the end of the day. I'm feeling encouraged that there's some realistic ways I can make things better/easier for me. There's hope!
I love the way you explained this with the chart and Sad Sally. It is with this sort of accessible writing, knowledge, honesty and vulnerability that people see that there is hope that something different, something better is possible and that they are not alone. Thank you!
I have a sad Sally. Certain things trigger her. I’m working on recognizing it when it happens, when I can’t control my environment, so I spend the least amount of time as possible in that state. Sad Sally serves a purpose for me. She is trying to tell me something important.
I'm glad you found it helpful! The framing of Sad Sally as trying to tell us something important is so essential. It's nice to know that other people have their own versions of Sad Sally, too. Hope you're able to learn more about your triggers and what can help relieve the difficulties!
There's a lot of necessary stuff, balls to juggle and balls to drop, and sometimes it's all too much. And that's probably the bulk of it. But please remember that, assuming you don't want it, you may not have to do the intense, people-y event things. Those memories are still fun for your kids if they're done with someone else! Dad-time, grandpa-time, auntie-who-love that-stuff-and-cousin-time, neighbor-whose-kids-you-sometimes-feed time.
And giving the kids an idea that people, parents included, are allowed to have preferences and boundaries, is an incredibly valuable gift to them. It sends the message that they're allowed to do that too.
That's a very true point! Love love that parents also are allowed to have preferences and values.
It's challenging with my husband being a pastor, he wants to do various social-y community things, which unfortunately also tend to spike my anxiety. I don't have any ideals about being a good pastor wife or anything (like I really don't care) - it's more trying to figure out the minimum I can do to be polite. But the other stuff, especially as the kids get older/more independent -- totally, I could just turn them over to someone else and they could have a grand time!
You sound like you might be a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP), Christine (laughing as I offer the therapist a “diagnosis”). We have a higher level of sensitivity to both the outer and inner worlds and need a lot more quiet inner processing time to feel fully well. It’s not something that’s broken, just our personality, like extroverts need lots of people time to feel well; we are the opposite. Specifically about parenting, overwhelm happens to all parents, especially when the whining and crying starts. That’s when tag team parenting really helps, and I’m sure you guys do that for mutual survival. I hope you can accept yourself as the person you are with your particular needs, and continue to show yourself the same compassion you show clients and family. As you said, you can’t help others if you are depleted all the time. Your needs are valid and it’s OK to honor them and carve out whatever “me” time you can find or create each day. Maybe sharing those needs with your husband and building more of an external support system could also help—older ladies at church, for example, who might pop in for a bit of the joy of taking care of two cute kiddos while you go running or to yoga or meditation or whatever? Sorry for all the advice when I know you know all this, but maybe it helps to hear it from others: You are valid, your needs are valid and important, and it’s OK to try to meet them. Thanks for sharing so openly, and I hope you will get the help and support you need to make it through. And lastly, I know what you really need is this from other HSP parents who have been there and totally understand: 🤗❤️🙏 Please take good care of yourself.
Lol, I have definitely been looking more into the HSP thing! Maybe a year ago I would have scoffed at the notion, but now I'm like *yikes!* yeah no that's a real thing, and it's okay if you're highly sensitive.
I'm a dedicated runner and I'm pretty protective over that "me" time and have recently started thinking of it as my "Prozac" because - especially when I'm having a really rough time and can't feel hardly any joy - running is one of the only things that gives me some happiness and peace, at least for a little bit. (most of the time I don't feel that low, but when I do, it's really one of the only things that helps). So I won't feel guilty about carving that out (and encouraging my husband to do stuff to take care of himself and have "him" time too).
I don't mind the advice. :) I know it comes from a place of care and support! I'm trying to reach out more to friends and actually just got back from "tea time" with one of the only local friends I have, which was quite lovely. And it's good to know and hear from other HSP parents who have been here and made it through! Thanks for writing, and always keeping me company in these comment sections - these exchanges are another thing that bring me joy!
You're welcome! I enjoy your writing so much! As an aside, I was a runner too for a couple of decades, and there is no better "Prozac." Now it's hiking for me, but it's the same thing--time in nature, fresh air, getting those endorphins pumping! It makes a world of difference. So glad you have that to refresh you and you're finding some support. :-)
Yikes! I feel for Sad Sally. It's been a long time since I've had crying babies but as I remember it's not fun. I feel that response even with babies on an airplane. Stuck with the cry for ten hours is torture. Brings back old responses.
Is it possible for you to cut back on your workload? Or do you need the $$$? I suppose that would just put you back in childcare for another hour. Can you leave them with their sitter and take that hour for yourself?
Thanks! Hey look, you got your own account going again and started your newsletter (or at least it shows up by your name) - yay!
Haha you get it that cutting back my hours would put me back in childcare for more time 😅 It's less about needing the money and more about attempting to meet the needs of everyone who is continually contacting me! I think it might slow down now that I updated my Psychology Today profile to say I have a waiting list...
My mom is the sitter (which is amazing, but also it's hard to ask her for more when she does so much, so I try to be cautious about that!). I was just talking with my friend here about how to arrange my schedule better so my brain isn't melting out my ears by the end of the day. I'm feeling encouraged that there's some realistic ways I can make things better/easier for me. There's hope!
xianbrainstretch should go live soon. Just getting up the courage to push that last button.
Christine,
I love the way you explained this with the chart and Sad Sally. It is with this sort of accessible writing, knowledge, honesty and vulnerability that people see that there is hope that something different, something better is possible and that they are not alone. Thank you!
I have a sad Sally. Certain things trigger her. I’m working on recognizing it when it happens, when I can’t control my environment, so I spend the least amount of time as possible in that state. Sad Sally serves a purpose for me. She is trying to tell me something important.
I'm glad you found it helpful! The framing of Sad Sally as trying to tell us something important is so essential. It's nice to know that other people have their own versions of Sad Sally, too. Hope you're able to learn more about your triggers and what can help relieve the difficulties!