"God loves me unconditionally, except for when I believe the wrong way or act in such a way where God will be forced to reject me." Yes, yes, yes. I also didn't really have much sin to feel guilty for, so I compensated by feeling guilty for things that were not sin: not knowing something, feeling sad, being unprepared, etc. It has only been through OCD diagnosis and treatment that I have been able to see that I don't need to feel guilty for those things. So many Christian therapists and mentors tried to help me fix my beliefs so I could feel God's love. OCD recovery focuses on action--act as if you are loved (while accepting that the worst may be true) and this has dramatically changed my beliefs more than any thought or Scripture replacement I was previously prescribed.
Recovery has brought so much relief and gratitude, but it's hard not to get bogged down in anger at the way the church fed and exacerbated my very debilitating mental illness.
Thanks for sharing, Christine, and being a safe person to process this with.
Thank you for sharing, too!! That's such a neat framing (for OCD work but could also extend beyond that) -- acting as if you are loved, instead of trying to fix the underlying beliefs (which can still be susceptible to all the old OCD struggles). Love it!
So beautifully written! Thank you for sharing. Guilt is such a powerful emotion and can be so easily manipulated by others and systems. I also love the depiction of Jesus’ death being more about being persecuted for going against the grain and trying to inspire people to truly love others regardless.
At first as I read, I thought I had not felt guilty about not feeling sufficiently guilty. I had plenty of guilt. Then I got to this line: "It was always a struggle to be sufficiently remorseful where I felt bad, or guilty, enough to deserve communion." Bingo!! That made me realize what psychological pain and distortion Judeo-Christianity causes. We feel guilty for what we do, guilty for what we don't do, and guilty even for not feeling guilty enough. My god what a twisted faith! Why did we do that to ourselves?! I am so glad to be in a place now where I can appreciate Jesus' kindness and wisdom from a distance without all that painful religious baggage.
BTW, I love your explanation that Jesus was killed by empire because he challenged the power structure. Exactly! After all, he called the priests a brood of vipers--not exactly a way to win friends among the establishment!
Great post, Christine! Let's see now. Do I feel sufficiently grateful for no longer having to feel guilty?! LOL!
Yes, why psychologically torture ourselves like that?! I also am so glad to have a lot of distance from these feelings and beliefs -- to have lost the religious baggage (ermm.... most of it) and to some extent, appreciate the good stuff.
Lolol! Hope your gratitude is at appropriate levels for not feeling guilty! 😂
Literally was freaked out about dying from taking the Lord's Supper with unconfessed sin. In retrospect, I have a hard time getting my mind in the same state so I can even observe the fear.
Yes! I also have a hard time accessing those feelings from long ago -- I know them mentally, but it's difficult to actually *feel* them (usually -- unless I'm deep in a therapy moment or something) -- for which I'm grateful!
Cultural expressions of Christianity have often leaned on guilt as a motivator for behavior change. Sermons, teachings, or community expectations can unintentionally emphasize guilt over grace, creating a culture where believers feel they must "earn" God’s favor despite the doctrine of grace.
I grew up in a fundamentalist household, that hid abounding hypocrisy. My father, a big stalwart at church treated his family poorly and sometimes with violent repercussions, especially to my Mom. I could have easily rejected Christianity for the obvious hypocrisies I've seen.
Still, I have chosen to believe. I reject guilt. I reject the idea of attaining salvation through good works. I hang on to the belief that Christ has me covered as long as I believe he is the son of God. I'm not going to make it any more complicated.
I'm glad for you for all that! And I'll acknowledge that whenever I'm talking about religion, I'm talking about the "cultural expressions of Christianity," as you say.
The guilt is so intense and something I still struggle with even as I've gone through IFS therapy. All I can guess is it's trying to keep me safe but it SUCKS
"God loves me unconditionally, except for when I believe the wrong way or act in such a way where God will be forced to reject me." Yes, yes, yes. I also didn't really have much sin to feel guilty for, so I compensated by feeling guilty for things that were not sin: not knowing something, feeling sad, being unprepared, etc. It has only been through OCD diagnosis and treatment that I have been able to see that I don't need to feel guilty for those things. So many Christian therapists and mentors tried to help me fix my beliefs so I could feel God's love. OCD recovery focuses on action--act as if you are loved (while accepting that the worst may be true) and this has dramatically changed my beliefs more than any thought or Scripture replacement I was previously prescribed.
Recovery has brought so much relief and gratitude, but it's hard not to get bogged down in anger at the way the church fed and exacerbated my very debilitating mental illness.
Thanks for sharing, Christine, and being a safe person to process this with.
Thank you for sharing, too!! That's such a neat framing (for OCD work but could also extend beyond that) -- acting as if you are loved, instead of trying to fix the underlying beliefs (which can still be susceptible to all the old OCD struggles). Love it!
So beautifully written! Thank you for sharing. Guilt is such a powerful emotion and can be so easily manipulated by others and systems. I also love the depiction of Jesus’ death being more about being persecuted for going against the grain and trying to inspire people to truly love others regardless.
Thanks, Kristen! Guilt is SUCH a powerful behavioral motivator; too bad it's been co-opted for all these nefarious purposes...
Yes, switching up the story of Jesus (to something that's really much more historically likely!) makes a big difference!
At first as I read, I thought I had not felt guilty about not feeling sufficiently guilty. I had plenty of guilt. Then I got to this line: "It was always a struggle to be sufficiently remorseful where I felt bad, or guilty, enough to deserve communion." Bingo!! That made me realize what psychological pain and distortion Judeo-Christianity causes. We feel guilty for what we do, guilty for what we don't do, and guilty even for not feeling guilty enough. My god what a twisted faith! Why did we do that to ourselves?! I am so glad to be in a place now where I can appreciate Jesus' kindness and wisdom from a distance without all that painful religious baggage.
BTW, I love your explanation that Jesus was killed by empire because he challenged the power structure. Exactly! After all, he called the priests a brood of vipers--not exactly a way to win friends among the establishment!
Great post, Christine! Let's see now. Do I feel sufficiently grateful for no longer having to feel guilty?! LOL!
Yes, why psychologically torture ourselves like that?! I also am so glad to have a lot of distance from these feelings and beliefs -- to have lost the religious baggage (ermm.... most of it) and to some extent, appreciate the good stuff.
Lolol! Hope your gratitude is at appropriate levels for not feeling guilty! 😂
Literally was freaked out about dying from taking the Lord's Supper with unconfessed sin. In retrospect, I have a hard time getting my mind in the same state so I can even observe the fear.
Yes! I also have a hard time accessing those feelings from long ago -- I know them mentally, but it's difficult to actually *feel* them (usually -- unless I'm deep in a therapy moment or something) -- for which I'm grateful!
I know that feeling!
I have many questions about my faith.
Cultural expressions of Christianity have often leaned on guilt as a motivator for behavior change. Sermons, teachings, or community expectations can unintentionally emphasize guilt over grace, creating a culture where believers feel they must "earn" God’s favor despite the doctrine of grace.
I grew up in a fundamentalist household, that hid abounding hypocrisy. My father, a big stalwart at church treated his family poorly and sometimes with violent repercussions, especially to my Mom. I could have easily rejected Christianity for the obvious hypocrisies I've seen.
Still, I have chosen to believe. I reject guilt. I reject the idea of attaining salvation through good works. I hang on to the belief that Christ has me covered as long as I believe he is the son of God. I'm not going to make it any more complicated.
I'm glad for you for all that! And I'll acknowledge that whenever I'm talking about religion, I'm talking about the "cultural expressions of Christianity," as you say.
The guilt is so intense and something I still struggle with even as I've gone through IFS therapy. All I can guess is it's trying to keep me safe but it SUCKS