My growing up and leaving the church sounds a lot like yours... Except, somehow I became a minister! My spouse, who grew up Catholic, never comes to my church, and it's been great for me vocationally. People kind of just forget that I'm married, and so the judgment about my family is off the table. In what other profession do people's spouses regularly come to their workplace anyway? In what other profession are people judged for how healthy/pretty/successful/faithful their family is? It's actually weird.
So relatable. For years, I'd have some kind of meltdown or existential crisis every Sunday after church. I'm not currently attending, and I feel so much relief. Whenever I want to go to a service, there's a large mainline Protestant congregation that I can go to. But my health is so much better when it's not a weekly thing. Cheers to listening to our bodies!
The pandemic was our excuse to take a break, and that break extended. Once I decided my kids were safer and better off not at church, the guilt was gone. My husband is still a Christian but rants at the church all the time - he’s also an introvert, has social anxiety and is tired too (we have 5 kids). So I’ve gotten no pressure or guilt from him.
It must be so hard as a pastor’s wife to make that choice though! I hope you find the courage to honor your body’s needs and that your husband respects it. ❤️
Hi! I am actually astonished you are still going at all, from reading your posts for awhile and a very shared experience. I had a similar experience in college. One of the college counseling therapists suggested I stopped going "as an experiment" which was the permission I needed - I could stop going, for science! And let me tell you Sundays now 15 years later --- chill, hiking, pastries... The best!!
We stopped going to church because COVID, after a lifetime of church attendance for me. There isn't a single thing that I miss about it. Deep relief to put myself out of that guilt/pressure/anxiety-inducing experience.
Wow. And wow. And wow some more. I have soooooo many thoughts about this, and so many powerful emotions, including deep grief (over your having been forced, as I was, to drink and drink and drink, but never allowed to expel, poisonous theology), rage (at the Christofascist nightmare our country is turning into), of joy and a sense of vindication at what seems like your liberation from the self-harm of guilt and shame and your concomitant courage to grow toward ***listening to your body**** and showing up as yourself without *&%$ apology, so much more. I do not have time to be writing even this comment, here, but I am anyway. This is so powerful what you wrote, on so many levels, and so well-written. Just, wow. Thank you, Christine.
As I realized how church was largely why i felt trapped in a turbulent emotionally abusive marriage, I haven't been back since I left my ex in 2019 and have become increasingly vocal against it- or at least adament about my refusal to go back. Seminary was always for the purpose of writing.
The pastor's wife of our last church never came--and we actually loved her for it! We usually only go to church on Sunday school mornings (twice a month during the school year and it's mostly play), so my wife and I can go out for brunch! On the other weeks I'll ask the kids if any of them want to go with me (my wife would rather stay home). Sometimes they say yes and I'll take them (or one or two of them), but often they'll all say no and we'll all have a wonderful lazy Sunday at home.
My growing up and leaving the church sounds a lot like yours... Except, somehow I became a minister! My spouse, who grew up Catholic, never comes to my church, and it's been great for me vocationally. People kind of just forget that I'm married, and so the judgment about my family is off the table. In what other profession do people's spouses regularly come to their workplace anyway? In what other profession are people judged for how healthy/pretty/successful/faithful their family is? It's actually weird.
So relatable. For years, I'd have some kind of meltdown or existential crisis every Sunday after church. I'm not currently attending, and I feel so much relief. Whenever I want to go to a service, there's a large mainline Protestant congregation that I can go to. But my health is so much better when it's not a weekly thing. Cheers to listening to our bodies!
The pandemic was our excuse to take a break, and that break extended. Once I decided my kids were safer and better off not at church, the guilt was gone. My husband is still a Christian but rants at the church all the time - he’s also an introvert, has social anxiety and is tired too (we have 5 kids). So I’ve gotten no pressure or guilt from him.
It must be so hard as a pastor’s wife to make that choice though! I hope you find the courage to honor your body’s needs and that your husband respects it. ❤️
Hi! I am actually astonished you are still going at all, from reading your posts for awhile and a very shared experience. I had a similar experience in college. One of the college counseling therapists suggested I stopped going "as an experiment" which was the permission I needed - I could stop going, for science! And let me tell you Sundays now 15 years later --- chill, hiking, pastries... The best!!
We stopped going to church because COVID, after a lifetime of church attendance for me. There isn't a single thing that I miss about it. Deep relief to put myself out of that guilt/pressure/anxiety-inducing experience.
Wow. And wow. And wow some more. I have soooooo many thoughts about this, and so many powerful emotions, including deep grief (over your having been forced, as I was, to drink and drink and drink, but never allowed to expel, poisonous theology), rage (at the Christofascist nightmare our country is turning into), of joy and a sense of vindication at what seems like your liberation from the self-harm of guilt and shame and your concomitant courage to grow toward ***listening to your body**** and showing up as yourself without *&%$ apology, so much more. I do not have time to be writing even this comment, here, but I am anyway. This is so powerful what you wrote, on so many levels, and so well-written. Just, wow. Thank you, Christine.
As I realized how church was largely why i felt trapped in a turbulent emotionally abusive marriage, I haven't been back since I left my ex in 2019 and have become increasingly vocal against it- or at least adament about my refusal to go back. Seminary was always for the purpose of writing.
The pastor's wife of our last church never came--and we actually loved her for it! We usually only go to church on Sunday school mornings (twice a month during the school year and it's mostly play), so my wife and I can go out for brunch! On the other weeks I'll ask the kids if any of them want to go with me (my wife would rather stay home). Sometimes they say yes and I'll take them (or one or two of them), but often they'll all say no and we'll all have a wonderful lazy Sunday at home.