OMG, Do *I* Have ADHD??

well that might explain some things.

Hi everyone. Before jumping in, I want to acknowledge all that’s going on in Gaza and Israel. I don’t think I have any words that haven’t been said better somewhere else, but in the moments I check in with the news, it feels heartbreaking and gut wrenching. I’ll also admit I’ve been avoiding engaging with it as much as I usually do with current events, I think because of the pain involved. Holding the pain of the world in one hand, and in the other hand, the ebbs and flows of our personal lives.

May peace and love prevail.

Here I go again, veering off the religious trauma beat because I’ve become recently superfocused on something else (not ironically at all, it turns out). Part of me hesitates to share, but the other part wants to and also wants to hear your all’s lived experience. I wrote about six months ago about starting anxiety meds after suffering over a year with postpartum depression, and the incredible difference they made with my mood and irritability. And I’m really not trying to be a walking advertisement for Big Pharma (ewww gross), but a recent change has given me a pretty huge revelation.

Photo by Ignacio Estevo on Unsplash

Caveat: I sort of detest over-diagnosis and pathologizing people. I diagnose people all the time in my work but mostly just so insurance will reimburse; I rarely think of them as the disorder they have — much more so in terms of the trauma they’ve experienced. The one difference is my folks with ADHD. Because most psychology-based people see ADHD and autism and other neurodivergences as something you’re wired with, not that comes about through trauma. Some (e.g. Gabor Maté) would argue that even ADHD stems from trauma, but my personal jury is still out on that, so today we’re going with mainstream thinking.

Anyway, when I was a young(-er) therapist working in the community mental health / agency world with children, folk wisdom was that if you gave a kid with suspected ADHD a Mountain Dew, it would calm them down instead of fire them up. I have long been curious about my own brain, and wanted to try a sort of experiment. Wellbutrin (generic bupropion) is used off-label to treat ADHD, with an “on-label” (if that’s a phrase) purpose of treating depression.

You’re guessing the end of the story already, I’m sure. I am not depressed right now but I am quite curious if the anxiety I’ve been quelling with Zoloft is really just a byproduct of undiagnosed ADHD (mild, mostly inattentive style).

Well. GUYS. I did not know that some people’s brains could just… work the way I wish mine could.

My family will attest that I am chronically disorganized and messy, both at home and at work. I slide into my office 1-2 minutes before I start back-to-back sessions for the day. I joke that there is no “wife” in my family. Because unfortunately, we seem to fall into the typical gender dynamics where I am the default person who is supposed to keep some kind of organizational system, make sure the kid has the school supplies (lol sorry preschool 😬), arrange family photos, keep a non-haphazard cleaning routine.

None of this was happening in our house, spoiler alert. And I felt bad about it but really just had no idea how in the world to do any differently. The mess and chaos overwhelmed me (cue: irritability, anxiety, eventual anger that “I’m the only one who does this!” with the unfairness that it was not my skill set).

There were other signs, too: my intense hyperfocus but only on the very specific things that interested me; my struggles to understand movie plots even though I’m a smart human, just because my attention couldn’t hold that long; my tendency to tell stories that don’t follow a linear or even sensible flow, and the struggle to make the visual images in brain make sense in word form to others. The way boredom feels almost painful (and FWIW, before there were phones, I would read all.the.time, in every place I could. I think it was just to occupy my mind.). The way I crash headlong into house projects without adequately planning what I’m going to need for it or even if I have the skills to do it.

The first few days of taking Wellbutrin, I noticed the most fascinating things. I was making waffles with the kids and the counter was a total mess. Usually this would cause a surge of overwhelm and I would start to feel a little snappy. But that day, I was able to see the elements of the mess and know: dishwasher, hand wash, put in fridge, wipe off. And… I wasn’t upset.

And just a couple days ago, for one of the first times ever (I am sadly not exaggerating, and my oldest is 4 and younger almost 2), I was calmly able to notice the time, plot in my mind what elements of dinner-making needed to happen, make the children a dinner that vaguely matched what we would have, put it on plates, and put it on the table. I sat down with my tea and could just sit there - not looking at my phone, without my mind whirring about what I should be doing instead. (However, my children are still quite feral because they’re not used to this, so they were mostly running around instead. Works in progress).

If you have ADHD, I’m guessing you understand how these seemingly super simple things are actually like, a freaking miracle.

One of the hallmarks of ADHD is struggles with executive function. We have trouble breaking down a task into the manageable components and doing them in a sensible order. Frankly, I never realized how much effort I was putting into this, and how much it was a genuine struggle, until I realized how it felt to not be so overwhelmed by these small tasks. (Do neurotypical people just do this naturally???)

Many ADHD people struggle with sensory overwhelm. Our brains are so active and chaotic that excess “noise” (whether literal or other sensory input) quickly becomes too much. Something I noticed on the med is that I could suddenly hear the sound of stillness. It’s a little hard to explain, but I think my brain is so active - not necessarily worrying, but in motion, thinking about what’s next, or even just playing static that’s definitively not stillness. I was able to sit on the couch and just…sit there, noticing the quiet lack-of-noise. And I was able to hold a conversation with my husband without my mind wandering off. (another freaking miracle, to be honest). And I was able to do all this without exerting most of my brainpower to do it.

This revelation feels stunning, and I’m also overwhelmed with compassion for myself and the 35 years I’ve been living. I had assumed that the ways I was “failing” (mostly having to do with home, parenting, and life upkeep; school came naturally to me which I think is how this diagnosis snuck under the radar for so long) were because of some kind of personal deficiency. Or if not personal deficiency, just something I was going to have to live with forever and try and laugh about (and get really frustrated at myself that I just couldn’t seem to get a hold on life the way that other people appeared to do with ease).

So, there you have it. I am not officially diagnosed nor am I officially diagnosing myself, but have to admit, just by writing this post I’m starting to feel convinced! But you all are some of the best crowd sourcing I have, and I know many of you are neurodivergent. Will you please share with me in the comments if something here has resonated with you, or share about your own experience? I appreciate the conversations we’re able to open up in this space!