Narcissism or Evangelicalism: Which Came First?
The overlap seems...suspicious
I’m going to tackle this topic in two parts: the first part being a little more intellectually-oriented, exploring some of the ‘whys’ behind the evangelical/narcissism question. (Since intellectualization is one of my favorite coping mechanisms!) The second part will explore more of the emotional ramifications on ourselves and how to move forward from this peculiar trauma. Hope you find both helpful!
The question posed by today’s heading is one I’ve been pondering for a long time. First, I’m going off an assumption that evangelicalism seems to have more than its fair share of narcissistically-oriented people. This phenomenon is especially evident when hearing from exvangelicals who were raised in evangelicalism, whose evangelical parents often seem to be incapable of understanding their child’s perspective, who view the child as an extension of themselves, and who believe they should have a high degree of control over their child, all the way from babyhood up to adulthood. [←these are some signs of a narcissistically-oriented parent]
Also, I know “narcissist” is a hot buzz word lately used to describe anyone from Donald Trump to an ex-boyfriend who could be self-centered at times. For my purposes today, I’m going to be describing narcissistic tendencies and traits, but not always full-blown narcissistic personality disorder (though some of these people may also have NPD).
Here are some core components of a narcissist: sense of grandiosity (beyond arrogance or vanity: a belief that they are much more special than other people), lack of empathy, and need for admiration. Other common traits include willingness to exploit others and excess sensitivity to criticism because of deeply-held but unconscious insecurities.
When Narcissism Comes First
Not to both/and this question… but I think sometimes the narcissism comes first, and other times evangelicalism comes first and nurtures underlying narcissistic traits.
Some narcissistic people seek out evangelicalism — either deliberately or just sub-consciously — because it’s a system that will serve their purposes. Evangelicalism creates followers who put their trust in authoritarian systems. And how fitting: narcissists like to be that authoritarian person.
For instance, we think of the stereotypical megachurch pastor in skinny jeans and a goatee who’s obsessed with his self-image and even though he seems to invite conversation with others, can’t actually stand it when you might have a critique for him. He points to Jesus as savior and will humble brag about what God’s doing in his life, but he secretly relishes all the attention he’s getting for being such an inspiring leader. As an example,
shared in our podcast interview about her ex-pastor who had many narcissistic traits.I’m sure many of us have seen the evangelical / fundamentalist documentaries recently streaming, like Shiny Happy People and Hillsong: A Megachurch Exposed. I only watched the former, but there’s some classic narcissistic (and worse) behavior displayed by powerful leaders in there. Jim Bob loved the money and attention he got from the family’s hit TV show, and it didn’t matter who was hurt in the process as long as he got what he wanted. Bill Gothard created a cult following (…literally) with his teachings, was very skilled at image maintenance, and was incredibly exploitative of others.
Evangelicalism or other high-control religions are a perfect breeding ground for narcissistic leaders who are skilled at gaming the system and convincing followers that they are a sincerely religious person, and they slowly work their way up the power chain and manipulate their way to controlling others while using religious language to do it.
How evangelicalism creates narcissistically-oriented people
But does the reverse also happen, where evangelicalism creates, or at least reinforces tendencies of, people who seem to be narcissistically-oriented? I think so1! But why?
The way evangelicalism functions in society is very narcissistic: there is a grandiose sense of self-importance (“only we have the One Way! Only our holy book speaks for God!”), a sense of entitlement (“because we have the right way, we are also entitled to claim lands that aren’t ours and indoctrinate people who aren’t us”), and lack of empathy. I see lack of empathy showing up because as an adherent you can’t truly have empathy for someone else and see from their perspective, because it would threaten your own viewpoint that must remain unchanged lest your whole belief system shatter.
The result of this? Evangelicalism fosters emotional immaturity.
Part of emotional maturity is the willingness to see where you have been wrong and admit it and grow from what you’ve learned. Some evangelicals do this! I have mad respect for evangelical parents (or anyone) who is willing to be challenged by their kids’ feedback or something else that breaks open their perspective, and who live into more empathy and compassion as a result.
But I think we all know that this is not always the reaction. Many times, evangelicals double down on what they believe to be right. They can’t admit otherwise, or else the whole framework might fall apart. Their grandiosity about their belief system covers up their fear about how things would turn upside down if they were…wrong. (Gasp!)
The “Dobson generation,” as I think of it — the one that raised me and many of you — approached parenting in a very authoritarian way. Parents’ jobs were to raise Christian children who would support conservative Christian causes, reproduce and raise Christian children, and never question the status quo. Patriarchy reigned; the father was just under Christ, with mother and then children underneath father.
There was so much emphasis placed on the Dobson generation of raising children “right” so that they would stay in the faith, and if the child strayed outside that, there was a sense the parent had done something wrong.
Remember when I mentioned part of narcissism is secretly having a fragile ego, and the grandiosity and bluster covers up the hidden insecurities?
I believe evangelicals have so much hidden insecurity — due to what is in actuality a very fragile relationship with God, as I write about elsewhere — that they are in denial about, and end up projecting their problems and insecurities onto everyone else. If only everyone else would fall in line and believe the “right” things. If only no one else would challenge the evangelical way of thinking, and leave them in their cozy, homogenous nests.
We’ll dive more in depth about how this emotional immaturity, lack of empathy, and fragile ego impacts those of us raised by such humans or in such churches. If there’s a specific issue or question you want to make sure I touch on, please drop it in the comments!
It’s not just me that thinks that! This guy wrote a whole book about it, but here’s a quick link to a page summarizing some of his book: https://www.evangelicalpsych.com/post/the-difference-between-grandiose-and-vulnerable-narcissism
I am soooooooo glad you are writing about this! The parents believing you are an extension of themselves is so real.
"Since intellectualization is one of my favorite coping mechanisms!" Same. My therapist is always saying, "Before you intellectualize this, how are you feeling? What do you feel in your body?" All that said, this was a great piece and very necessary. Thank you!