Marathon: ✅

Race reflections and future post topics!

Well guys, I did it. The race I’ve spent the last four months training for is now complete.

It didn’t go quite how I wanted: I bombed a couple of key workouts close to the race, which shook my confidence (side note: I’ve learned to definitely pick a different training plan next time!). Then 12 days out, I came down with a cold that I couldn’t shake. 4 days out, I discovered this cold had evolved into a sinus infection. (Luckily, I have a great PCP and antibiotics starting working almost immediately!). But I was so anxious about everything leading up to race day that my body read the situation as high stress, and I woke up at 5am on April 28th — race day — also my birthday — to this lovely message from my fitness app 🙄:

Lololol. Okay let me just take it easy on the ONE FREAKING DAY THIS YEAR I HAVE A MARATHON TO RUN. Thanks body.

So, I tried not to psyche myself out all the way and pretended like maybe the message was wrong. I got teary-eyed at the race start like I always do: so many runners! We’ve trained so hard! We are all nuts! The camaraderie and the excitement! And I gave it my best through mile 15 — on track for my PR [personal record] — but then my engine just ran out of gas. And I still had 11 miles to go. 11 miles is a long way to run on fumes, but hey, I made it! I ran the whole way (except water breaks) and I finished with a smile on my face (or was that a grimace?? 🤣 See below…).

It wasn’t the result I wanted, but everyone who’s not a marathoner only sees it as an enormous accomplishment regardless of time. And I still got to slap my “26.2” magnet on the back of my car, which I’ve been waiting for years to do (I ran 26.2 in 2015 and 2016, but I wanted to do it again to really “earn” that magnet. Just because.).

I think the answer is this is both a smile and a grimace. But that finish line! Oy how I needed it!

You might recall from my first post about this marathon that I said Jesus wasn’t getting any credit for this race. I could consider being superstitious and saying that must have been why I “failed” to reach my goal: I had brought down curses upon me from the gods (or…Jesus?) and I should probably never say such cavalier, sacrilegious things again.

Or… not.

I guess the nice thing about not thanking g/God or Jesus for my performance in my race is that I also don’t have to be upset at them or worry I’ve lost favor if I don’t do well. Frankly, that thought never crossed my mind! Instead, I immediately began picking apart what might have gone wrong: my training plan didn’t include enough marathon pace miles in quantities I could successfully manage. My sinus infection may have hampered my health and performance. My confidence was shaken and I brought that anxiety with me straight to the start line. And I woke up with “21% recovery” for other unknown factors that maybe I couldn’t have controlled.

Next time [oh shit, I was hoping there wouldn’t be a next time! But now I’ve got to avenge this race!], I’m going to pick a training plan that lets me strengthen my weak spots (sustaining faster paces for long distances; not working on my overall speed). I will remember that my mental game is JUST as important as my physical game. And I’m gonna have the damn beer the day before the race instead of trying so hard to be “good” because I need to do something that makes me feel like it’s a normal, fun day. Because I think all the “good” behavior just made me feel more stressed and anxious, as it was reminders of the high stakes I had put on the race¹.

You might notice all of those things are under my direct control. I’ve spent SO long, especially growing up a female evangelical, believing things weren’t in my control, that everything had to be “glory to God” or “God willing” and that I couldn’t want things. But in reality, it’s not just luck — or in Christian-ese, God’s will. It’s a learning experience that I can grow from intentionally. And I CAN change things to get results that I want. Or at least have a better shot at it.

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I know a marathon is an extremely specific experience to be drawing these lessons from, but I think the idea of realizing our own power, recognizing our mistakes or our weaknesses, and making very deliberate choices to have a different outcome apply to plenty of non-race situations too. Anything coming to mind for you about an area where you had more power and control than you originally realized?

Also, unrelated to all of this: I’ve been learning some really cool things lately in trainings and readings. I did a workshop called “Unmasking the Autistic Female” all about how autism shows up a LOT differently for females / AFAB than it does in males. And as you read this (probably), I’m in a training about treating preverbal (ages 0-3, typically) and attachment trauma using EMDR! I might make a post about each of those topics, so holler at me in the comments if that’s something you’d like to learn about!

1. Is there maybe a parallel here with trying so hard to be “good” in religion / evangelicalism, too? I think there might be…