Let's Discuss: Gender Identity [and/or] Guns
Things that feel weirdly vulnerable to say but maybe we should normalize?
It seems like my household has been sick for the better part of the last couple of months. Somehow, I’ve avoided most of the illnesses, save for a bout with Covid. HAHAHA I ADVISE YOU NEVER TO WRITE THAT UNLESS YOU WISH ILL UPON YOURSELF.
Well, as you can tell, that was my draft…before I came down with the adult version of the adenovirus causing my kids’ pinkeye this week. Despite my vitamins and herbs and scrupulous washing of hands (did I also wash my phone with soap and water? I cannot confirm nor deny, but my phone would like you to know it did NOT appreciate that), the virus caught up to me. It’s been kinda rough, for all of us.
I am working on a post where I try and puzzle out how purity culture and transphobia interact. In many ways, I’m synthesizing disparate pieces of information (because while it seems intuitive, there’s not that much I’ve found directly speaking to transphobia and purity culture). And I want to do a good job at this, so I’m going to delay that for one more week.
So for today, two things: Guns and Gender. You can pick one or both (or none, though I hope you pick at least one!). If your heart already hurts too much from this week’s shooting, skip to our discussion questions of the day.
Also, it’s unintentional that these two things seem to be involved in this most recent school shooting. (And to be clear, trans people and people with mental illnesses are NOT inherently more violent!!!). I’m not trying to make any kind of point about that; I’m just acknowledging it’s a weird coincidence that that’s what I’m writing on today.
Thing one…
being yet another tragic school shooting. I went to university in Nashville so it feels a little closer to home, but when you have kids, or when you care about kids, every shooting feels close to home. I wrote about the intersection of Christian Nationalism and gun culture back in June, after the Uvalde shooting, if you care to check it out. I really wish articles like this weren’t ever-relevant.
I also found
’s meditation on gun violence to be beautiful, aching, and poignant. (She includes Tarot card readings in every post if you’re into that!)And Meg Conley’s imagined rendering of a future where we look back on this current era and call it the School Shooter Era gave me pause, as I wondered what it would be like to call this an “era.” Meaning one day it might end? But at the cost of how many lives, and what will it take?
And we can always count on
to have the exact poem we need for the occasion, that says so much in so few words.Thing two,
in our intermission between two posts about transphobia, gender identity, and gender expression, I’m wondering if you would join me for a little conversation in the comments.
I’m having that feeling where you realize the way that you operate in the world is maybe not the way everyone else operates. So basically I’m asking you to chime in with your own thoughts and experiences to help me—and all of us—become more aware of how gender identity is created.
As a girl growing up in the evangelical church, as well as our over-sexualized culture at large, it felt scary to go through puberty. To be clear: evangelicalism is over-sexualized as well. When 12-year-olds can be “stumbling blocks” for grown men, you know there’s a problem. The fixation around sex (and sexuality —repressing “forbidden” sexualities and sexual expressions) also gives away the over-sexualization. It’s pretty hard to come of age as female in this culture and truly feel comfortable with who you are.
Meanwhile, girls are given lots of messages about what women are supposed to be like: devoted mothers and wives, submissive to men and to Jesus. They should be considerate and kind, sweet and gentle, meek and mild.
I will definitely write more extensively on this later, but for me, to come of age in a body that was deemed categorically dangerously tempting, while my literal body had, well, a ‘boy-ish figure’ as the saying goes…plus feeling so limited by my options as a female… it all just made me not feel super connected to the identity of “woman.” (It is very weird to say this out loud. Written-style.) But I think I truly do prefer something more neutral, like… human? Person? Yet also with an understanding of gender barriers and sexism that I face that dudes do not?
I have never been a trans person, but working through my own gender identity and what feels comfortable is actually a great exercise in empathy-building, IMHO. If I can get curious about myself, I can also be curious about what it must feel like to be born into a body but know in your heart that you feel like this is the wrong body; that you are really supposed to be the opposite sex of what you were born as.
So please, don’t leave me hanging. You are by no means required to be vulnerable in your own sharing (though if you want to share but anonymously, you can email me at christinegreenwald@substack.com and I can post on your behalf). But I’m a super curious person and I love learning what other people’s perspectives are. Here’s some Q’s for discussion:
What were you taught about what traits your biological sex was “supposed” to have? Did it feel to you like this fit? (it’s OKAY if it does! Or if it doesn’t!) If not, how did you handle that? What, to you, defines your sense of gender — either your own, or how you define what it means to feel male, female, or somewhere in between?
In the culture I was raised in, women were supposed to be interested in clothes/hair/makeup. home decor, gardening, crafts, shopping, hospitality (initiating. planning, hosting social events) and hanging out in all-female groups where they talk about all of the above. They should not be interested in anything intellectual, not be informed about politics or current events, and they should have no time to read or relax because they have to do all the emotional labour for their families/churches/communities. How things appear is really important and it's up to the mom/wife to be the “homemaker” and keep everyone healthy, happy and looking good, while her male partner is the leader/provider, disconnected from the daily life of the home. The demands of child raising go way beyond the basics of physical care—the mom/wife feels responsible for how the kids “turn out” and her spouse is often also infantilized in that he's presumed to be unable to do any caretaking activities for himself or others, because he is male.
From my experience, the more a culture insists there is such a thing as a clear biological gender binary, when any of the prescribed gender roles don't fit comfortably, the conclusion is that you are defective. But also if you are a woman and excel at anything that's seen to be feminine, you aren't given credit for the gifts and skills that you had to develop, the work you had to do. Of course you are good at things like that, because by nature that's just how women are, So people then devalue how much effort it takes to excel at these things. It's also risky when man participates in any “female” activities, because that could be seen as somehow unmanly. The best case scenario, he's just thought of as an eccentric. Or a hero who has to make up for the deficiencies of his wife, who isn't adequately fulfilling her female responsibilities.
I now reject the gender binary because I don't see that it stands up scientifically. So many things that are supposed to be quite clear and obvious about maleness/femaleness are not at all, if you look at the research. It's not surprising that trans and non-binary people exist, because they have always existed. In an ideal world people would be free to just be who they are, without judgment or expectation, and also given support to become who they want to be (developing their gifts and interests).
However due to my conditioning I still often have the feeling that I am defective because so many feminine things don't come naturally to me and I still expect that I should be able to do them, and even enjoy doing them!
Christine, thank you so much for these questions, and thanks to your readers for the deeply personal shares. I’m a clueless male getting a clue from all of it! I’m so sorry for how hard it was for you as girls growing up in a patriarchal culture, with purity culture on top of that.
As for me, I’m a CIS gender male, and grew up doing a lot of boy stuff, like building forts, carving spears, playing cowboy and superhero, playing with cars and trucks, etc. But I was also sensitive, bookish, in love with ideas and nature, and not interested in sports. Also I was raised by a single mom and older sister after a divorce and abandonment by my father at age 5. So I grew up all the way to adulthood with no male role model and a whole lot of confusion and self-doubt as to who I was, how to be male, how to “play” my gender role, which was very rigidly defined back then. Frankly, I was very shy (introverted) and always hated the male gender role as I began to understand it--expected to play sports and be “tough”, not show your emotions (but I had deep and powerful emotions!), initiate dating and relationships, be a “good provider” (ugh! really hated that one!) judged by your paycheck and social status (like my only value was as someone’s meal ticket!), being expected to lead and be aggressive, dominating, competitive, etc. I did sort of learn those things—to get by in my role—but it was never the right fit for me.
Now I am unlearning all that (because patriarchy and domination are so clearly unjust and wrong!) and trying to rediscover my suppressed feminine side after decades of being forced to socialize only with men (because if you’re friends with women you’re bound to have an affair—the oversexualized Christian junk you discussed Christine). But frankly I don’t find most men half as intellectually and emotionally deep or interesting as women. As others have expressed here, I have always felt and especially now feel far more human than male. The more I explore that and find a more equal feminine-masculine balance in my psyche, friendships, and spirituality, the more whole and complete I feel. I love that gender and social roles are softening and allowing everyone the freedom to explore and become uniquely ourselves.