In the culture I was raised in, women were supposed to be interested in clothes/hair/makeup. home decor, gardening, crafts, shopping, hospitality (initiating. planning, hosting social events) and hanging out in all-female groups where they talk about all of the above. They should not be interested in anything intellectual, not be informed about politics or current events, and they should have no time to read or relax because they have to do all the emotional labour for their families/churches/communities. How things appear is really important and it's up to the mom/wife to be the “homemaker” and keep everyone healthy, happy and looking good, while her male partner is the leader/provider, disconnected from the daily life of the home. The demands of child raising go way beyond the basics of physical care—the mom/wife feels responsible for how the kids “turn out” and her spouse is often also infantilized in that he's presumed to be unable to do any caretaking activities for himself or others, because he is male.
From my experience, the more a culture insists there is such a thing as a clear biological gender binary, when any of the prescribed gender roles don't fit comfortably, the conclusion is that you are defective. But also if you are a woman and excel at anything that's seen to be feminine, you aren't given credit for the gifts and skills that you had to develop, the work you had to do. Of course you are good at things like that, because by nature that's just how women are, So people then devalue how much effort it takes to excel at these things. It's also risky when man participates in any “female” activities, because that could be seen as somehow unmanly. The best case scenario, he's just thought of as an eccentric. Or a hero who has to make up for the deficiencies of his wife, who isn't adequately fulfilling her female responsibilities.
I now reject the gender binary because I don't see that it stands up scientifically. So many things that are supposed to be quite clear and obvious about maleness/femaleness are not at all, if you look at the research. It's not surprising that trans and non-binary people exist, because they have always existed. In an ideal world people would be free to just be who they are, without judgment or expectation, and also given support to become who they want to be (developing their gifts and interests).
However due to my conditioning I still often have the feeling that I am defective because so many feminine things don't come naturally to me and I still expect that I should be able to do them, and even enjoy doing them!
Kirsten! Such incisive, insightful comments - really loved what you're saying. Yes, even for so long in the psychological field (continuing to now), it's the mother who is given immense responsibility for how the child turns out - i.e. is the one to blame. Meanwhile, husband, who is very capable out in the world, is infantilized in the home because he surely is clueless there.
And the part about being skilled at feminized skills and having that dismissed because of course you should be good at that -- ooh, 100%. (for my own part, I'll say I'm NOT particularly skilled - at all! - at things like planning or cooking meals, or knowing how to maintain and organize a home beyond sort of the bare basics. These are MOST DEFINITELY skills!)
The question I've been rolling around in my mind, trying to puzzle out, is that transgender people experience some amount of gender binary, or gender essentialism (maybe? but like, not the way that conservatives would mean it) in their own body -- because they know clearly they are NOT the sex they were assigned, and they ARE the other one. It seems quite distinct from being nonbinary, in my mind. And I'm thinking that even if our cultural constructs around gender fell away, some percentage of the population would still understand themselves as transgender. (less than now?? Maybe that's my question? I don't know, but you sound like you've thought a lot about the gender binary so I guess I'm laying this out to you here! You are not obliged to respond, but if you want to, I'd be happy to hear.)
I don't know either, but I'm interested in what people have to say. Part of my understanding is that trans people would say that there isn't one way to be transgender. How accepting others are of diversity, whether or not inclusive language and spaces exist, will also affect an individual's experience. It does seem that the more emphasis there is on there being a binary, people might feel they have to choose either a male or female category to align with, just because other people around them have the need to put them in one of the categories that currently exist. Or people might just say they are non-binary, a totally separate category (but what does that mean if gender isn't in fact binary?) It definitely gets complicated when it comes to social and biological factors and right now there's a lot we just don't know. Unfortunately this time when gender identity is so politicized, is probably not a great time to do research.
A really helpful (short) book that I read a while ago and I still think about is Beyond Trans: Does Gender Matter? by Heath Fogg Davis.
That's true - I was just reading how being introduced to the word (and therefore concept) of "trans" as a teenager can completely transform one's experience of themself, and our language continues to open up new possibilities.
I immediately went and checked out the audio book online from my Libby app! I'm looking forward to diving in.
Agreed about the politicization. Relatedly, I really wish it weren't so and that we could have much more nuanced discussions without being immediately accused of being totally in enemy territory if we're genuinely trying to learn and figure out the best way to help people. I hope we get to a point where more good research can be done.
Christine, thank you so much for these questions, and thanks to your readers for the deeply personal shares. I’m a clueless male getting a clue from all of it! I’m so sorry for how hard it was for you as girls growing up in a patriarchal culture, with purity culture on top of that.
As for me, I’m a CIS gender male, and grew up doing a lot of boy stuff, like building forts, carving spears, playing cowboy and superhero, playing with cars and trucks, etc. But I was also sensitive, bookish, in love with ideas and nature, and not interested in sports. Also I was raised by a single mom and older sister after a divorce and abandonment by my father at age 5. So I grew up all the way to adulthood with no male role model and a whole lot of confusion and self-doubt as to who I was, how to be male, how to “play” my gender role, which was very rigidly defined back then. Frankly, I was very shy (introverted) and always hated the male gender role as I began to understand it--expected to play sports and be “tough”, not show your emotions (but I had deep and powerful emotions!), initiate dating and relationships, be a “good provider” (ugh! really hated that one!) judged by your paycheck and social status (like my only value was as someone’s meal ticket!), being expected to lead and be aggressive, dominating, competitive, etc. I did sort of learn those things—to get by in my role—but it was never the right fit for me.
Now I am unlearning all that (because patriarchy and domination are so clearly unjust and wrong!) and trying to rediscover my suppressed feminine side after decades of being forced to socialize only with men (because if you’re friends with women you’re bound to have an affair—the oversexualized Christian junk you discussed Christine). But frankly I don’t find most men half as intellectually and emotionally deep or interesting as women. As others have expressed here, I have always felt and especially now feel far more human than male. The more I explore that and find a more equal feminine-masculine balance in my psyche, friendships, and spirituality, the more whole and complete I feel. I love that gender and social roles are softening and allowing everyone the freedom to explore and become uniquely ourselves.
I love your sharing, Chuck! And it sounds so stressful to grow up male in such a rigidly defined world. I do remember thinking as a teen how I wouldn't want to be a boy because of all the initiative required (if you're "traditional") for dating and stuff 😂 Plus all the dominating, competitive stuff. Patriarchy and rigid gender norms aren't good for ANYONE!
I do rely quite heavily on my female friendships for the emotionally deep and intellectual conversations (and you too, who's tapped into both sides of your psyche!). It's so much more fun to be wholly human that just act the roles of your gender! I also am glad that the roles are softening and people are having more of a chance than in the past to become their real selves.
As always, thanks so much for this, Christine! I am a cisgender white female, age 72, and grew up in church with purity expectations before the term “purity culture” was a thing. The expectation of perfection, while often not stated out loud, was very clear in my upbringing, and I have always struggled with feelings of not being good enough. We had a family friend who was a single woman without children, so I always knew that was an option. But the idea that a woman could be married without children was not something I grew up with. I remember walking out of church one day and deciding that, whether I married or not, I was not going to be like the “old maid” Sunday school teachers, and be a virgin the rest of my life. I was the oldest of five children, and often a sort of assistant parent to my younger siblings. This led to my feeling like I wasn’t really one of the kids and not really one of the parents. The pressures of growing up in a small, religiously oriented fishbowl’s type town in the mid-1960s, when Twiggy was the model, four girls, ledvme to a couple of years of anorexia. I distrusted my ability to be a good parent and, in the early 1970s, when there was a great emphasis on concern about overpopulation, I thought it would be much better for me to not bring children into the world. And I didn’t. I sort of made a compromise by marrying a man who had two sons from a previous marriage, who visited us on weekends until one of them moved in as a teenager. My choice of a profession was influenced by my gender expectations. Growing up, the only professions, I saw women engaging in, were nursing and teaching. I did not want to be a teacher, so I gravitated toward nursing, until I realized that the thought of blood made my knees quiver; then I discovered social work, and that became my profession for 41 years. Much of my work was spent working in Women’s Health in a large teaching hospital and I learned a lot there. I didn’t expect to be widowed at 43, nor to have reasons to move from Chicago to eventually wind up in Rural, Ohio. Nor did I expect, due to the 2016 election, to spend much of my early retirement in political activism. The fact that I’m now collecting signatures for a Reproductive Rights ballot initiative is out of keeping with the church congregation I was raised in, but completely consistent with the way my life has evolved. I find it maddening that there are people so strongly trying to return society to the gender boxes that everybody was forced into during the years I grew up.
Thank you for sharing all these elements of your story! I can only imagine how many limits one would have felt growing up in those decades. The 1970 concern about overpopulation feels almost quaint compared to now - I mean they weren't wrong, but look where we are now. qQ
The twists and turns of your life are really something (and I know there's so much I haven't heard either!). Glad you're doing the political activism work. The attempted forced return to those earlier years is mind-boggling but also, I guess, predictable in that for every step forward we also have some kind of regressive backlash...
I can’t say that I’ve really given much, if any, thought to my gender identity. I was AFAB and that has always worked for me. Since I hadn’t considered exploring this for myself for whatever reason I’m comfortable saying it “worked” for me. It was always work. Still is.
I was definitely a tomboy growing up. I’d rather ride my bike, play baseball and climb trees then play dress up or school or house. I was always with my dad cutting the grass, trimming the trees, working on the car, fixing things.
Dresses and dressing up have always been a nightmare. To this day I don’t want to be invited to a wedding or a formal event. I won’t go. Or I will scoot in for the ceremony and decline the reception. I always feel so self conscious if I’m dressed up. Like I’m doing it wrong, or someone will know being a girly girl (woman) is not my thing. I’m 54. I haven’t worn makeup in over 30 years with the exception of one of my kids weddings.
Maybe being ND contributes to my not wanting to feel constricted in my clothes, or abuse makes me shy away from my body being on display in traditional woman’s clothes. I will wear dresses now but only because I can choose loose fitting or soft and you can be darn sure I’m wearing them with sketchers or a Birkenstock knock off for comfort.
Like you, I prefer human. She/they pronouns would fit me best if I were being honest. A year or so ago I thought about it briefly more so in solidarity with those I love than my own reflection. Or, maybe I just knew.
"It was always work." Really appreciate your honest sharing here, Jen. I resonate with a lot of that (although I'd much rather bury my nose in a book or clean than work on the car). But that feeling of "doing it wrong" -- yes, most definitely, like I'm very much putting on an act that others can see through. Though... I guess that feeling also describes the experience of being ND, yeah?
I do like wearing dresses that are soft with leggings underneath - again with the ND, hating feeling constricted in my clothes - comfort is always primary!
Love the pronoun reflection, too. Maybe you just knew.
Thanks. It really is hard to decipher what is ND, trauma or me. The makeup could be an ND thing too.
When I was reflecting on this further today I recalled my Barbie’s didn’t sit and have tea or kiss Ken they went on adventures in the woods, dove off the monkey bars into a pool or drove the dune buggy through the sandbox. I had a Fonzie doll that if I strung a piece of wool off the top of the bookcase down to the coffee table he could zip line with his “hey” thumb. I did “girl” things too but in my own way and on my terms.
I agree I agree about the ND / trauma / innate personality stuff!
Haha I think that my imaginary play was somewhat similar. No time for tea parties or romance. There was adventure, or animal families to tend to (ok that one's 'feminized' so to speak), or some bad guy to ward off. Your descriptions remind me of the book "Aspergirls" -- I don't know if you've read it?
In church spaces, anything that has been aimed specifically at women has always felt like a total mismatch for me. I wonder if I was extra resistant to identifying with anything pink and flowery as a teenager because of what went with it - women as peacekeepers who don't have insights and opinions to contribute but diligently toil behind the scenes. I think that was really the part I was, and continue to be, resistant to, and gendered stereotypes just made everything feel more unjust and me feel more misunderstood.
What I've connected with other women over more (inside and outside the church) has been that shared experience of the injustice of patriarchal power structures. While I am very comfortable identifying as (cis) woman, I generally avoid the assumption that there is anything else that is inherently gendered about our personalities, skills, roles or interests. But there is a dissonance between this and current cultural ways of talking about gender, and as much as I don't need anyone else to define and understand their own gender in the same way I do it is a tricky dissonance to resolve.
I wonder something similar too - like maybe it's not that I actually don't like pink or flowery stuff, it's the whole vibe / ethos behind it! I really appreciate your approach and the way that you form connections with others; other women in particular. Same!
Thinking about that "modest dress" part too, I was very punk-rock as a teenager (fairly masc in band tees and big cotton drill shorts) which suited quite well to expressing myself through clothing while self-righteously making sure my body didn't cause anyone else harm (male sexuality or female friends with body image issues). Trying to unpack this now, while knowing how much harm purity culture causes so many people, it still feels like there is some wisdom there. I think I really wanted to break down any barriers for connecting with other people, but TBH no amount of masc clothing stops the exclusion from the 'boys clubs' of patriarchy. Now I'm just a raging, silver-haired feminist who doesn't hold back from naming the injustice and sometimes wears crop tops and bootie shorts!
Love that! I think boys' cargo shorts (in the US) is similar to what you're describing? Anyway, I wore those for quite a while in high school probably for similar reasons as you. But too true that no matter how we dress or act, we're not invited to the patriarchy's boys club. I love your boldness - both in naming the injustice, and wearing whatever you want!
As for gender identity, everything you say about girls brought up in the church (and outside it ) rings true. I'm still struggling with the "male gaze" that my 83 yr.old husband will not let go of. Granted he's of a different generation. We can hope that this sort of thing will die out soon.
I do wonder how these things like the male gaze might die out... at least men have learned they need to be much more decent about things, at least in polite company. Though in their boys' clubs I suppose anything still goes.
Sorry if I'm not exactly answering your very interesting prompts, but I got sidetracked at "purity." I'm just working on a post about Richard Beck's book Unclean, coming out April 2, and Mary Douglas' Purity and Danger. So many books, so little time!
Christine, a friend just sent me this brilliant, loving,open-hearted podcast about trying to eliminate “othering” in our society. It brings in race as well as gender under the umbrella term of “othering,” shunting people aside as somehow not worthy. It talks about the need to recognize how we are all connected by our human experience. There is no “other” unless we make it so. And we are seeing othering start to fade as our society wakes up.
First of all, thanks for reading and sharing 💜 it helped me to process some of the overwhelming feelings that have come up (again!) this week. Also, Meg conleys post was so chilling. And I felt the same hope too - maybe one day we will actually be through this hellish “era” and can look back on it. 🙏🏽
Second, your prompts are so interesting and I will say that gender & purity were tangled pretty good for me. I was never a “girly” girl and in middle/high school I dressed very gender neutral - lots of jeans/sweatshirts and when I worked at a xtian summer camp I wore T-shirt’s & cargo shorts! I had multiple adults ask me to give talks on modest because they “admired” my style 😂 looking back though, I had a strong sense that 1) it was my responsibility to not make boys “stumble” and 2) I was afraid that my looks would give me unwanted (unsafe) attention - I was raised by a traumatized parent who made it very clear that men were not safe. I think in my world this went hand in hand with purity culture - men can’t control themselves, men are visual, men are made this way (sex monsters who want it all the time, etc etc). So I think my “modesty” had as much to do with self protection as pleasing God. On the other hand, I didn’t necessarily *feel* like a woman until I started having children and detangling all the misogynistic theology I was raised with...I fully feel like & embody being a woman now and identify deeply with the divine feminine too ✨
I truly loved your piece this week!! Glad to share it.
Hahaha I also wore the t-shirts with boys' cargo shorts. I hated how immodest the girls' short shorts felt! Purity culture truly did a number on us. And a traumatized parent would just cement that in further. I absolutely, absolutely agree that (for me) the modesty was just as much for self-protection as pleasing God.
Sigh. I wish childbearing and rearing was having that effect on me. Maybe one day, when I am less touched out and overstimulated by really small kids. I love the idea of the divine feminine though!
Motherhood has just helped me be at home in my body for the first time ever. I was disembodied for most of my life. I also think it shook core beliefs where I could finally say - damn, look how strong you are! Look how your body knows what to do! Look how you can trust her! (All the things evangelicalism told me the exact opposite). And the divine feminine let me feel for the first time that God is Creator - she births, labors, intuits, nourishes, feels deeply, breaks her body, sings - and that image is in me! Using she/her pronouns for God still gives me chills, and in the last year I’ve begun using they/them as well and its another beautiful shift.
I wonder if you could explore God as exhausted, touched-out mama? Sometimes at night (when I sit in my 10yr olds room to help them fall asleep 😖) I meditate and just try to bask in unconditional Mother love and send it to my child, even as I sit on the other side of the room 😂😅
I had a spiritual director (she's in Lima, actually!) who would speak of the divine feminine with very similar language as what you describe! You mentioned disembodied and I'm starting to think that's my current coping mechanism. (lifelong but especially intense lately). I'm really going to ponder this, Lindsey. Thanks for all your words!
When you feel your most exhausted, may you rest in Her vast and loving lap. When you’re touched out, may Her gentle love soothe and bring relief to frazzled nerves. 💜
I also realllly loved Jennifer Knapp - and even though all my youth leaders loved my modesty I think my mom thought I was a lesbian the whole time 😂😂 im not a lesbian, but my style is still sort of comfy, gay aunt.
In the culture I was raised in, women were supposed to be interested in clothes/hair/makeup. home decor, gardening, crafts, shopping, hospitality (initiating. planning, hosting social events) and hanging out in all-female groups where they talk about all of the above. They should not be interested in anything intellectual, not be informed about politics or current events, and they should have no time to read or relax because they have to do all the emotional labour for their families/churches/communities. How things appear is really important and it's up to the mom/wife to be the “homemaker” and keep everyone healthy, happy and looking good, while her male partner is the leader/provider, disconnected from the daily life of the home. The demands of child raising go way beyond the basics of physical care—the mom/wife feels responsible for how the kids “turn out” and her spouse is often also infantilized in that he's presumed to be unable to do any caretaking activities for himself or others, because he is male.
From my experience, the more a culture insists there is such a thing as a clear biological gender binary, when any of the prescribed gender roles don't fit comfortably, the conclusion is that you are defective. But also if you are a woman and excel at anything that's seen to be feminine, you aren't given credit for the gifts and skills that you had to develop, the work you had to do. Of course you are good at things like that, because by nature that's just how women are, So people then devalue how much effort it takes to excel at these things. It's also risky when man participates in any “female” activities, because that could be seen as somehow unmanly. The best case scenario, he's just thought of as an eccentric. Or a hero who has to make up for the deficiencies of his wife, who isn't adequately fulfilling her female responsibilities.
I now reject the gender binary because I don't see that it stands up scientifically. So many things that are supposed to be quite clear and obvious about maleness/femaleness are not at all, if you look at the research. It's not surprising that trans and non-binary people exist, because they have always existed. In an ideal world people would be free to just be who they are, without judgment or expectation, and also given support to become who they want to be (developing their gifts and interests).
However due to my conditioning I still often have the feeling that I am defective because so many feminine things don't come naturally to me and I still expect that I should be able to do them, and even enjoy doing them!
Kirsten! Such incisive, insightful comments - really loved what you're saying. Yes, even for so long in the psychological field (continuing to now), it's the mother who is given immense responsibility for how the child turns out - i.e. is the one to blame. Meanwhile, husband, who is very capable out in the world, is infantilized in the home because he surely is clueless there.
And the part about being skilled at feminized skills and having that dismissed because of course you should be good at that -- ooh, 100%. (for my own part, I'll say I'm NOT particularly skilled - at all! - at things like planning or cooking meals, or knowing how to maintain and organize a home beyond sort of the bare basics. These are MOST DEFINITELY skills!)
The question I've been rolling around in my mind, trying to puzzle out, is that transgender people experience some amount of gender binary, or gender essentialism (maybe? but like, not the way that conservatives would mean it) in their own body -- because they know clearly they are NOT the sex they were assigned, and they ARE the other one. It seems quite distinct from being nonbinary, in my mind. And I'm thinking that even if our cultural constructs around gender fell away, some percentage of the population would still understand themselves as transgender. (less than now?? Maybe that's my question? I don't know, but you sound like you've thought a lot about the gender binary so I guess I'm laying this out to you here! You are not obliged to respond, but if you want to, I'd be happy to hear.)
I don't know either, but I'm interested in what people have to say. Part of my understanding is that trans people would say that there isn't one way to be transgender. How accepting others are of diversity, whether or not inclusive language and spaces exist, will also affect an individual's experience. It does seem that the more emphasis there is on there being a binary, people might feel they have to choose either a male or female category to align with, just because other people around them have the need to put them in one of the categories that currently exist. Or people might just say they are non-binary, a totally separate category (but what does that mean if gender isn't in fact binary?) It definitely gets complicated when it comes to social and biological factors and right now there's a lot we just don't know. Unfortunately this time when gender identity is so politicized, is probably not a great time to do research.
A really helpful (short) book that I read a while ago and I still think about is Beyond Trans: Does Gender Matter? by Heath Fogg Davis.
That's true - I was just reading how being introduced to the word (and therefore concept) of "trans" as a teenager can completely transform one's experience of themself, and our language continues to open up new possibilities.
I immediately went and checked out the audio book online from my Libby app! I'm looking forward to diving in.
Agreed about the politicization. Relatedly, I really wish it weren't so and that we could have much more nuanced discussions without being immediately accused of being totally in enemy territory if we're genuinely trying to learn and figure out the best way to help people. I hope we get to a point where more good research can be done.
Hear! Hear! SO well said, Kirsten! Especially the part about feeling defective when our binary role doesn’t fit. 😞
Christine, thank you so much for these questions, and thanks to your readers for the deeply personal shares. I’m a clueless male getting a clue from all of it! I’m so sorry for how hard it was for you as girls growing up in a patriarchal culture, with purity culture on top of that.
As for me, I’m a CIS gender male, and grew up doing a lot of boy stuff, like building forts, carving spears, playing cowboy and superhero, playing with cars and trucks, etc. But I was also sensitive, bookish, in love with ideas and nature, and not interested in sports. Also I was raised by a single mom and older sister after a divorce and abandonment by my father at age 5. So I grew up all the way to adulthood with no male role model and a whole lot of confusion and self-doubt as to who I was, how to be male, how to “play” my gender role, which was very rigidly defined back then. Frankly, I was very shy (introverted) and always hated the male gender role as I began to understand it--expected to play sports and be “tough”, not show your emotions (but I had deep and powerful emotions!), initiate dating and relationships, be a “good provider” (ugh! really hated that one!) judged by your paycheck and social status (like my only value was as someone’s meal ticket!), being expected to lead and be aggressive, dominating, competitive, etc. I did sort of learn those things—to get by in my role—but it was never the right fit for me.
Now I am unlearning all that (because patriarchy and domination are so clearly unjust and wrong!) and trying to rediscover my suppressed feminine side after decades of being forced to socialize only with men (because if you’re friends with women you’re bound to have an affair—the oversexualized Christian junk you discussed Christine). But frankly I don’t find most men half as intellectually and emotionally deep or interesting as women. As others have expressed here, I have always felt and especially now feel far more human than male. The more I explore that and find a more equal feminine-masculine balance in my psyche, friendships, and spirituality, the more whole and complete I feel. I love that gender and social roles are softening and allowing everyone the freedom to explore and become uniquely ourselves.
I love your sharing, Chuck! And it sounds so stressful to grow up male in such a rigidly defined world. I do remember thinking as a teen how I wouldn't want to be a boy because of all the initiative required (if you're "traditional") for dating and stuff 😂 Plus all the dominating, competitive stuff. Patriarchy and rigid gender norms aren't good for ANYONE!
I do rely quite heavily on my female friendships for the emotionally deep and intellectual conversations (and you too, who's tapped into both sides of your psyche!). It's so much more fun to be wholly human that just act the roles of your gender! I also am glad that the roles are softening and people are having more of a chance than in the past to become their real selves.
As always, thanks so much for this, Christine! I am a cisgender white female, age 72, and grew up in church with purity expectations before the term “purity culture” was a thing. The expectation of perfection, while often not stated out loud, was very clear in my upbringing, and I have always struggled with feelings of not being good enough. We had a family friend who was a single woman without children, so I always knew that was an option. But the idea that a woman could be married without children was not something I grew up with. I remember walking out of church one day and deciding that, whether I married or not, I was not going to be like the “old maid” Sunday school teachers, and be a virgin the rest of my life. I was the oldest of five children, and often a sort of assistant parent to my younger siblings. This led to my feeling like I wasn’t really one of the kids and not really one of the parents. The pressures of growing up in a small, religiously oriented fishbowl’s type town in the mid-1960s, when Twiggy was the model, four girls, ledvme to a couple of years of anorexia. I distrusted my ability to be a good parent and, in the early 1970s, when there was a great emphasis on concern about overpopulation, I thought it would be much better for me to not bring children into the world. And I didn’t. I sort of made a compromise by marrying a man who had two sons from a previous marriage, who visited us on weekends until one of them moved in as a teenager. My choice of a profession was influenced by my gender expectations. Growing up, the only professions, I saw women engaging in, were nursing and teaching. I did not want to be a teacher, so I gravitated toward nursing, until I realized that the thought of blood made my knees quiver; then I discovered social work, and that became my profession for 41 years. Much of my work was spent working in Women’s Health in a large teaching hospital and I learned a lot there. I didn’t expect to be widowed at 43, nor to have reasons to move from Chicago to eventually wind up in Rural, Ohio. Nor did I expect, due to the 2016 election, to spend much of my early retirement in political activism. The fact that I’m now collecting signatures for a Reproductive Rights ballot initiative is out of keeping with the church congregation I was raised in, but completely consistent with the way my life has evolved. I find it maddening that there are people so strongly trying to return society to the gender boxes that everybody was forced into during the years I grew up.
Thank you for sharing all these elements of your story! I can only imagine how many limits one would have felt growing up in those decades. The 1970 concern about overpopulation feels almost quaint compared to now - I mean they weren't wrong, but look where we are now. qQ
The twists and turns of your life are really something (and I know there's so much I haven't heard either!). Glad you're doing the political activism work. The attempted forced return to those earlier years is mind-boggling but also, I guess, predictable in that for every step forward we also have some kind of regressive backlash...
Oops! I see a bunch of typos in my comment! Meant to say “for girls” in reference to Twiggy, for example. Typing on my phone. 😂
Where to begin?
I can’t say that I’ve really given much, if any, thought to my gender identity. I was AFAB and that has always worked for me. Since I hadn’t considered exploring this for myself for whatever reason I’m comfortable saying it “worked” for me. It was always work. Still is.
I was definitely a tomboy growing up. I’d rather ride my bike, play baseball and climb trees then play dress up or school or house. I was always with my dad cutting the grass, trimming the trees, working on the car, fixing things.
Dresses and dressing up have always been a nightmare. To this day I don’t want to be invited to a wedding or a formal event. I won’t go. Or I will scoot in for the ceremony and decline the reception. I always feel so self conscious if I’m dressed up. Like I’m doing it wrong, or someone will know being a girly girl (woman) is not my thing. I’m 54. I haven’t worn makeup in over 30 years with the exception of one of my kids weddings.
Maybe being ND contributes to my not wanting to feel constricted in my clothes, or abuse makes me shy away from my body being on display in traditional woman’s clothes. I will wear dresses now but only because I can choose loose fitting or soft and you can be darn sure I’m wearing them with sketchers or a Birkenstock knock off for comfort.
Like you, I prefer human. She/they pronouns would fit me best if I were being honest. A year or so ago I thought about it briefly more so in solidarity with those I love than my own reflection. Or, maybe I just knew.
"It was always work." Really appreciate your honest sharing here, Jen. I resonate with a lot of that (although I'd much rather bury my nose in a book or clean than work on the car). But that feeling of "doing it wrong" -- yes, most definitely, like I'm very much putting on an act that others can see through. Though... I guess that feeling also describes the experience of being ND, yeah?
I do like wearing dresses that are soft with leggings underneath - again with the ND, hating feeling constricted in my clothes - comfort is always primary!
Love the pronoun reflection, too. Maybe you just knew.
Thanks. It really is hard to decipher what is ND, trauma or me. The makeup could be an ND thing too.
When I was reflecting on this further today I recalled my Barbie’s didn’t sit and have tea or kiss Ken they went on adventures in the woods, dove off the monkey bars into a pool or drove the dune buggy through the sandbox. I had a Fonzie doll that if I strung a piece of wool off the top of the bookcase down to the coffee table he could zip line with his “hey” thumb. I did “girl” things too but in my own way and on my terms.
I agree I agree about the ND / trauma / innate personality stuff!
Haha I think that my imaginary play was somewhat similar. No time for tea parties or romance. There was adventure, or animal families to tend to (ok that one's 'feminized' so to speak), or some bad guy to ward off. Your descriptions remind me of the book "Aspergirls" -- I don't know if you've read it?
Haven’t read it. I will add it to my list.
In church spaces, anything that has been aimed specifically at women has always felt like a total mismatch for me. I wonder if I was extra resistant to identifying with anything pink and flowery as a teenager because of what went with it - women as peacekeepers who don't have insights and opinions to contribute but diligently toil behind the scenes. I think that was really the part I was, and continue to be, resistant to, and gendered stereotypes just made everything feel more unjust and me feel more misunderstood.
What I've connected with other women over more (inside and outside the church) has been that shared experience of the injustice of patriarchal power structures. While I am very comfortable identifying as (cis) woman, I generally avoid the assumption that there is anything else that is inherently gendered about our personalities, skills, roles or interests. But there is a dissonance between this and current cultural ways of talking about gender, and as much as I don't need anyone else to define and understand their own gender in the same way I do it is a tricky dissonance to resolve.
I wonder something similar too - like maybe it's not that I actually don't like pink or flowery stuff, it's the whole vibe / ethos behind it! I really appreciate your approach and the way that you form connections with others; other women in particular. Same!
Thinking about that "modest dress" part too, I was very punk-rock as a teenager (fairly masc in band tees and big cotton drill shorts) which suited quite well to expressing myself through clothing while self-righteously making sure my body didn't cause anyone else harm (male sexuality or female friends with body image issues). Trying to unpack this now, while knowing how much harm purity culture causes so many people, it still feels like there is some wisdom there. I think I really wanted to break down any barriers for connecting with other people, but TBH no amount of masc clothing stops the exclusion from the 'boys clubs' of patriarchy. Now I'm just a raging, silver-haired feminist who doesn't hold back from naming the injustice and sometimes wears crop tops and bootie shorts!
Love that! I think boys' cargo shorts (in the US) is similar to what you're describing? Anyway, I wore those for quite a while in high school probably for similar reasons as you. But too true that no matter how we dress or act, we're not invited to the patriarchy's boys club. I love your boldness - both in naming the injustice, and wearing whatever you want!
As for gender identity, everything you say about girls brought up in the church (and outside it ) rings true. I'm still struggling with the "male gaze" that my 83 yr.old husband will not let go of. Granted he's of a different generation. We can hope that this sort of thing will die out soon.
I do wonder how these things like the male gaze might die out... at least men have learned they need to be much more decent about things, at least in polite company. Though in their boys' clubs I suppose anything still goes.
Sorry if I'm not exactly answering your very interesting prompts, but I got sidetracked at "purity." I'm just working on a post about Richard Beck's book Unclean, coming out April 2, and Mary Douglas' Purity and Danger. So many books, so little time!
Oooh purity & danger sounds very interesting.
Try it! and we'll discuss.
Christine, a friend just sent me this brilliant, loving,open-hearted podcast about trying to eliminate “othering” in our society. It brings in race as well as gender under the umbrella term of “othering,” shunting people aside as somehow not worthy. It talks about the need to recognize how we are all connected by our human experience. There is no “other” unless we make it so. And we are seeing othering start to fade as our society wakes up.
https://bioneers.org/creating-world-everyone-belongs-change-heart-system-change/?mc_cid=2da96e15e6&mc_eid=2790d009b6
First of all, thanks for reading and sharing 💜 it helped me to process some of the overwhelming feelings that have come up (again!) this week. Also, Meg conleys post was so chilling. And I felt the same hope too - maybe one day we will actually be through this hellish “era” and can look back on it. 🙏🏽
Second, your prompts are so interesting and I will say that gender & purity were tangled pretty good for me. I was never a “girly” girl and in middle/high school I dressed very gender neutral - lots of jeans/sweatshirts and when I worked at a xtian summer camp I wore T-shirt’s & cargo shorts! I had multiple adults ask me to give talks on modest because they “admired” my style 😂 looking back though, I had a strong sense that 1) it was my responsibility to not make boys “stumble” and 2) I was afraid that my looks would give me unwanted (unsafe) attention - I was raised by a traumatized parent who made it very clear that men were not safe. I think in my world this went hand in hand with purity culture - men can’t control themselves, men are visual, men are made this way (sex monsters who want it all the time, etc etc). So I think my “modesty” had as much to do with self protection as pleasing God. On the other hand, I didn’t necessarily *feel* like a woman until I started having children and detangling all the misogynistic theology I was raised with...I fully feel like & embody being a woman now and identify deeply with the divine feminine too ✨
I truly loved your piece this week!! Glad to share it.
Hahaha I also wore the t-shirts with boys' cargo shorts. I hated how immodest the girls' short shorts felt! Purity culture truly did a number on us. And a traumatized parent would just cement that in further. I absolutely, absolutely agree that (for me) the modesty was just as much for self-protection as pleasing God.
Sigh. I wish childbearing and rearing was having that effect on me. Maybe one day, when I am less touched out and overstimulated by really small kids. I love the idea of the divine feminine though!
Motherhood has just helped me be at home in my body for the first time ever. I was disembodied for most of my life. I also think it shook core beliefs where I could finally say - damn, look how strong you are! Look how your body knows what to do! Look how you can trust her! (All the things evangelicalism told me the exact opposite). And the divine feminine let me feel for the first time that God is Creator - she births, labors, intuits, nourishes, feels deeply, breaks her body, sings - and that image is in me! Using she/her pronouns for God still gives me chills, and in the last year I’ve begun using they/them as well and its another beautiful shift.
I wonder if you could explore God as exhausted, touched-out mama? Sometimes at night (when I sit in my 10yr olds room to help them fall asleep 😖) I meditate and just try to bask in unconditional Mother love and send it to my child, even as I sit on the other side of the room 😂😅
I had a spiritual director (she's in Lima, actually!) who would speak of the divine feminine with very similar language as what you describe! You mentioned disembodied and I'm starting to think that's my current coping mechanism. (lifelong but especially intense lately). I'm really going to ponder this, Lindsey. Thanks for all your words!
When you feel your most exhausted, may you rest in Her vast and loving lap. When you’re touched out, may Her gentle love soothe and bring relief to frazzled nerves. 💜
💜💜💜💜
I also realllly loved Jennifer Knapp - and even though all my youth leaders loved my modesty I think my mom thought I was a lesbian the whole time 😂😂 im not a lesbian, but my style is still sort of comfy, gay aunt.
!! Comfy gay aunt is a WHOLE VIBE.
I also love(d) (just b/c I don't listen to her anymore; but such emotion she would evoke!!) Jennifer Knapp!