A detail in your summary that strikes me is the goal of orienting your child toward a village of adults. An impulse I’ve found in my parenting journey, that I haven’t heard anyone else quite name, is that I feel a thrill of joy when she’s exposed to the influence of other adults. It just feels so healthy to me for her to be out from under the particularities of my anxieties or habits--like it renders her world more three dimensional, enabling her to grow and develop in her own unique way.
I’ve had to pull her out of preschool this fall, because her PDA was impacting a basic need and she has required some radical demand drops. I’m likely to have to homeschool her at least for the first couple years for the same reason. So I’m trying to find resources and communities that aren’t rooted in “a mother’s love is the best educator” philosophy--I just writhe at that sentiment, even though there’s truth, in that I am in the best position to advocate for my child’s unique nervous system needs. But the idea that my love, to the exclusion of all other influences, is sufficient for her cognitive development through all stages of childhood--well just feels depressing, for both me and her.
One way I combat the smothering effect of keeping her home, is by granting her a lot of autonomy with screen time. I let her explore kids YouTube on her own. I celebrate with her new shows she finds and enjoys. She loves scary stories, and I had a very low threshold for fear as a kid, so I let her teach me what is enjoyable and what is too scary for her.
The "village of adults," yes! Crosses my mind that *I* need the village of adults too, for camaraderie and support and general friendship, and it's something that's sorely lacking - at least in person - in my life. And when the adults have these relationships with each other, we have trust in what the other adults can provide for our child!
Such good points about what other people can provide for your child, helping her develop and giving her world more shape 💛
Sadly evangelicals, in their obsession over doctrine and belief, forget the “prime directive” (to quote the ancient Star Trek series): LOVE. Loving our kids and keeping them close (but not smothered) with love supersedes anything else we can do for them.
Loved the bolded quote from the book and look forward to more of the book’s wisdom in future posts!
I have 3 adult kids now and the biggest ways we tried to have relationship without trying to be controlling, is to remember that mutually respectful relationship is the goal. That meant we had to be willing to apologize to our kids when we screwed up if we wanted them to be willing to apologize to us. We had to be willing to listen to them, try to understand where they were coming from, and generally talk to them like they were people and not a problem. As my oldest got older and observed the way her friends’ parents talked to them, we characterized it as talking “at” them or “to” them, rather than “with” them which is how we were trying to treat her & her siblings. It made a real difference and we all actually like each other now they’re all adults. (I’m shocked how much they want to hang out with us and 2 of them live at home currently. )
My husband and I got married very young (and 5 months pregnant) so we honestly benefited from still being angry at how we were treated as children/teenagers and had the energy to stubbornly insist we would do things differently. We screwed up plenty, but we tried to apologize (something my mother still almost never does) and to remember that our kids are just as human as we are and need all the compassion we often didn’t get. While we were very evangelical Christian until the last few years, I thought we were just raising our kids with the respect and love of being like Jesus but it turned out being like Jesus was never the point for themselves or their kids for most of the people in my church and homeschool communities - their own comfort was. Raising kids like this calls you to often be uncomfortable and to see relationship as not about power dynamics, which is why people would glaze over after asking me parenting questions and I answered them with stuff like this.
Sorry if this sounded like a soapbox or if I had all the answers; I definitely don’t! But we worked our asses off to change generational patterns, and we’re seeing that go even deeper as our oldest and her husband raise our grandson now.
YAY! I love that. Pretty fascinating how maybe being young parents, fresh out of your teenage years, made you really want to do differently (and have the energy to do so!). "we all actually like each other now they're all adults" made me smile. That's what most (good?) parents wish for, I think! I'm also struck by "Raising kids like this calls you to often be uncomfortable and to see relationship as not about power dynamics, which is why people would glaze over after asking me parenting questions and I answered them with stuff like this." SO MUCH THERE!!!
Not soapbox-y -- it's very encouraging to hear! Hooray!
Thank you so much for posting! I appreciate you sharing your experience and how the book both triggers and makes its points. One of the things I'm realizing as I raise my kids (I have 4) is the importance of me helping them connect to themselves...how they feel, what they think, how things feel in their body. We've had to navigate some tough and unusual circumstances and while it was super important the strength of MY relationship with them adn that they trust me (and I'm trustworthy), I see my role as helping them connect to themselves. This helps them make decisions when I'm not there. They learn and exercise the ability to make value judgments, care about how something feels and whether it's in alignment with who they are authentically, and to help them discover what that is. It's the complete opposite of authoritarian parenting, under which I grew up as well. "I don't care what you think, do what I tell you!"
A detail in your summary that strikes me is the goal of orienting your child toward a village of adults. An impulse I’ve found in my parenting journey, that I haven’t heard anyone else quite name, is that I feel a thrill of joy when she’s exposed to the influence of other adults. It just feels so healthy to me for her to be out from under the particularities of my anxieties or habits--like it renders her world more three dimensional, enabling her to grow and develop in her own unique way.
I’ve had to pull her out of preschool this fall, because her PDA was impacting a basic need and she has required some radical demand drops. I’m likely to have to homeschool her at least for the first couple years for the same reason. So I’m trying to find resources and communities that aren’t rooted in “a mother’s love is the best educator” philosophy--I just writhe at that sentiment, even though there’s truth, in that I am in the best position to advocate for my child’s unique nervous system needs. But the idea that my love, to the exclusion of all other influences, is sufficient for her cognitive development through all stages of childhood--well just feels depressing, for both me and her.
One way I combat the smothering effect of keeping her home, is by granting her a lot of autonomy with screen time. I let her explore kids YouTube on her own. I celebrate with her new shows she finds and enjoys. She loves scary stories, and I had a very low threshold for fear as a kid, so I let her teach me what is enjoyable and what is too scary for her.
The "village of adults," yes! Crosses my mind that *I* need the village of adults too, for camaraderie and support and general friendship, and it's something that's sorely lacking - at least in person - in my life. And when the adults have these relationships with each other, we have trust in what the other adults can provide for our child!
Such good points about what other people can provide for your child, helping her develop and giving her world more shape 💛
Depressing and exhausting! I love when my kids spend time with other loving safe adults - I can finally exhale!
Sadly evangelicals, in their obsession over doctrine and belief, forget the “prime directive” (to quote the ancient Star Trek series): LOVE. Loving our kids and keeping them close (but not smothered) with love supersedes anything else we can do for them.
Loved the bolded quote from the book and look forward to more of the book’s wisdom in future posts!
Lol Star Trek! Yes, love, and close but not smothered -- respecting their autonomy and personhood!
I have 3 adult kids now and the biggest ways we tried to have relationship without trying to be controlling, is to remember that mutually respectful relationship is the goal. That meant we had to be willing to apologize to our kids when we screwed up if we wanted them to be willing to apologize to us. We had to be willing to listen to them, try to understand where they were coming from, and generally talk to them like they were people and not a problem. As my oldest got older and observed the way her friends’ parents talked to them, we characterized it as talking “at” them or “to” them, rather than “with” them which is how we were trying to treat her & her siblings. It made a real difference and we all actually like each other now they’re all adults. (I’m shocked how much they want to hang out with us and 2 of them live at home currently. )
My husband and I got married very young (and 5 months pregnant) so we honestly benefited from still being angry at how we were treated as children/teenagers and had the energy to stubbornly insist we would do things differently. We screwed up plenty, but we tried to apologize (something my mother still almost never does) and to remember that our kids are just as human as we are and need all the compassion we often didn’t get. While we were very evangelical Christian until the last few years, I thought we were just raising our kids with the respect and love of being like Jesus but it turned out being like Jesus was never the point for themselves or their kids for most of the people in my church and homeschool communities - their own comfort was. Raising kids like this calls you to often be uncomfortable and to see relationship as not about power dynamics, which is why people would glaze over after asking me parenting questions and I answered them with stuff like this.
Sorry if this sounded like a soapbox or if I had all the answers; I definitely don’t! But we worked our asses off to change generational patterns, and we’re seeing that go even deeper as our oldest and her husband raise our grandson now.
YAY! I love that. Pretty fascinating how maybe being young parents, fresh out of your teenage years, made you really want to do differently (and have the energy to do so!). "we all actually like each other now they're all adults" made me smile. That's what most (good?) parents wish for, I think! I'm also struck by "Raising kids like this calls you to often be uncomfortable and to see relationship as not about power dynamics, which is why people would glaze over after asking me parenting questions and I answered them with stuff like this." SO MUCH THERE!!!
Not soapbox-y -- it's very encouraging to hear! Hooray!
This book has been on my list! And WOW I love that direct introduction!
Highly recommend! I'm also [slooowly but steadily] plowing through Scattered Minds, which I've mentioned on here too, also with Gabor Mate!
Thank you so much for posting! I appreciate you sharing your experience and how the book both triggers and makes its points. One of the things I'm realizing as I raise my kids (I have 4) is the importance of me helping them connect to themselves...how they feel, what they think, how things feel in their body. We've had to navigate some tough and unusual circumstances and while it was super important the strength of MY relationship with them adn that they trust me (and I'm trustworthy), I see my role as helping them connect to themselves. This helps them make decisions when I'm not there. They learn and exercise the ability to make value judgments, care about how something feels and whether it's in alignment with who they are authentically, and to help them discover what that is. It's the complete opposite of authoritarian parenting, under which I grew up as well. "I don't care what you think, do what I tell you!"