I don't believe I've ever heard the term "self-remembering" before, and I'm fascinated. I've very much functioned as a people pleaser most of my life (to varied success). I also believe I am an autistic who excels at masking (too weird to be included with any depth or frequency, but too normal for anyone to believe I'm autistic). The past few years I've been on a bit of a quest to figure out what *I* actually like. It's been a bumpy ride, and I'm still unsure of so much, but I'm starting to learn what music I like, that I really enjoy some shows that are far too "wordly" for my parents, that wearing a jacket that makes me look like Spiderman makes me happy! It feels very odd, but very exciting.
My husband asked me recently what i I wanted my life to be like, and it broke me a little to realize I don't know. My life plans have always been what others say I should do, (even as my husband begs me to just do what I want), and every job has left me at least passively suicidal. Then I quit that job, spend months coming back to baseline, before finances force me to start the whole cycle again. The realization is good though; now I can at least start imagining what I want to do with my life. We'll deal with the making it happen later. :)
I can't remember where I originally heard it, but definitely in an advanced therapy training - I really like the idea, too. I resonate with your masking parenthetical! Too different, but also too "normal"...
I feel for that sense of not knowing what you want or even what you are interested in. It's a journey to discover all that! I wish you some clarity and even some happiness on your journey to discovering more of who YOU are, and yes, self-remembering!! 💜
Hi, Christine! As you know, I was brought up Catholic, and that has it's own set of problems. Leaving my parent's religion only happened after I found love and purpose with my husband, Don. He wasn't Catholic and my mother warned me marrying him would cause me to "lose my Faith." Sure enough! With the birth of my second child, I left The Church. With the birth of my third, we joined - wait for it! - the Evangelicals!
Ugh! When parents are right! 😂 Lol mine was right too: that going to a secular university would probably make me lose my faith. It sort of, eventually did. All that exposure to new ideas!!!
Christine, I really appreciate your growth-oriented outlook! I find myself in the weird place of abandonment by parents (one physically left, the other was an emotionally unstable narcissist) and to a lesser extent by our child with whom we have a pleasant connection, but she is extremely busy with her own kids and doesn’t seem to enjoy socializing with us in her free time. The only healthy ways I’ve found to deal with the issues are these: (1) therapy to discover what my issues are and release them as much as possible; (2) let go of expectations both past and present and just enjoy whatever connections are possible with family and friends so I’m not disappointed; (3) focus on personal and spiritual growth--essentially love and enjoy my own unique journey so much that I feel fulfilled by it and have less attachment need (though we all need some amount of healthy attachment and connection). Life is always a work in progress and never perfect. But when I get the above balance right (often I do, with occasional lapses and struggles), especially the growth and joyful journey part, life can be exceptionally satisfying. So coming back to the main point, I really resonate with your focus on personal growth. In my experience, that is what makes a joyful life possible no matter what our past or ongoing struggles may be.
I really love what you're saying about how to deal with the disappointments and feelings of abandonment! I'm trying to practice a bit of that myself, in fits and starts. Realizing what stuff is mine to own, enjoying the connections I do have instead of pining for what doesn't exist (at least currently), and growing through the process.
I'm intrigued by this idea of feeling the generational sandwich of some abandonment feelings. Been thinking about this kind of topic lately so it's interesting you bring it up!
Generational sandwich! Great term, Christine! For many parents it starts when your teenage kids begin individuating and don’t want to be seen with their “embarrassing” parents—LOL. It may be an up and down journey after that. All you can do is love them and try to keep the relationship open and positive.
I don't believe I've ever heard the term "self-remembering" before, and I'm fascinated. I've very much functioned as a people pleaser most of my life (to varied success). I also believe I am an autistic who excels at masking (too weird to be included with any depth or frequency, but too normal for anyone to believe I'm autistic). The past few years I've been on a bit of a quest to figure out what *I* actually like. It's been a bumpy ride, and I'm still unsure of so much, but I'm starting to learn what music I like, that I really enjoy some shows that are far too "wordly" for my parents, that wearing a jacket that makes me look like Spiderman makes me happy! It feels very odd, but very exciting.
My husband asked me recently what i I wanted my life to be like, and it broke me a little to realize I don't know. My life plans have always been what others say I should do, (even as my husband begs me to just do what I want), and every job has left me at least passively suicidal. Then I quit that job, spend months coming back to baseline, before finances force me to start the whole cycle again. The realization is good though; now I can at least start imagining what I want to do with my life. We'll deal with the making it happen later. :)
I can't remember where I originally heard it, but definitely in an advanced therapy training - I really like the idea, too. I resonate with your masking parenthetical! Too different, but also too "normal"...
I feel for that sense of not knowing what you want or even what you are interested in. It's a journey to discover all that! I wish you some clarity and even some happiness on your journey to discovering more of who YOU are, and yes, self-remembering!! 💜
Hi, Christine! As you know, I was brought up Catholic, and that has it's own set of problems. Leaving my parent's religion only happened after I found love and purpose with my husband, Don. He wasn't Catholic and my mother warned me marrying him would cause me to "lose my Faith." Sure enough! With the birth of my second child, I left The Church. With the birth of my third, we joined - wait for it! - the Evangelicals!
Ugh! When parents are right! 😂 Lol mine was right too: that going to a secular university would probably make me lose my faith. It sort of, eventually did. All that exposure to new ideas!!!
Soooooo helpful (as always). I’ve been working on self-remembering. It’s hard and fun. Thank you, friend. 💗
Thanks, Marla! Hard and fun sounds about right. But recognizing how much you've grown when you turn around and look...that's pretty thrilling!
Christine, I really appreciate your growth-oriented outlook! I find myself in the weird place of abandonment by parents (one physically left, the other was an emotionally unstable narcissist) and to a lesser extent by our child with whom we have a pleasant connection, but she is extremely busy with her own kids and doesn’t seem to enjoy socializing with us in her free time. The only healthy ways I’ve found to deal with the issues are these: (1) therapy to discover what my issues are and release them as much as possible; (2) let go of expectations both past and present and just enjoy whatever connections are possible with family and friends so I’m not disappointed; (3) focus on personal and spiritual growth--essentially love and enjoy my own unique journey so much that I feel fulfilled by it and have less attachment need (though we all need some amount of healthy attachment and connection). Life is always a work in progress and never perfect. But when I get the above balance right (often I do, with occasional lapses and struggles), especially the growth and joyful journey part, life can be exceptionally satisfying. So coming back to the main point, I really resonate with your focus on personal growth. In my experience, that is what makes a joyful life possible no matter what our past or ongoing struggles may be.
I really love what you're saying about how to deal with the disappointments and feelings of abandonment! I'm trying to practice a bit of that myself, in fits and starts. Realizing what stuff is mine to own, enjoying the connections I do have instead of pining for what doesn't exist (at least currently), and growing through the process.
I'm intrigued by this idea of feeling the generational sandwich of some abandonment feelings. Been thinking about this kind of topic lately so it's interesting you bring it up!
Generational sandwich! Great term, Christine! For many parents it starts when your teenage kids begin individuating and don’t want to be seen with their “embarrassing” parents—LOL. It may be an up and down journey after that. All you can do is love them and try to keep the relationship open and positive.
🩷🩷