The hardest and deepest part for me to release was the “community” of “flying monkeys” that protect and enable all the narc (emotionally immature) behaviors. “But they’re your family” “Jesus would want you to forgive (and forget).” My favorite was was “forgive or you won’t be forgiven.” Kept me sucked in and stuck by shame. The rigid black and white thinking paired with “one right way to live or love” or eternal punishment and alienation- it pierces and divides the human soul built for belonging. Thanks so much for this series!
Wow you put that so beautifully: “it pierces and divides the human soul built for belonging.” That’s so true! Institutions interested in their own survival and power and control have found it incredibly useful to divide us, when we long for belonging (and thus resort to tribe like mentalities). Kristen Kobes du Mez had an interesting post about Fox News and such divisions this last week.
Anyway, I’m so sorry they used all that against you. As long as it protects them (and other abusers), it’s acceptable religion...
But it’s true you have hurt others no one is perfect except for Jesus alone, you wouldn’t want others to extend mercy snd grace unto you when you make mistakes? So why would God? Unforgiveness harbors bitterness and resentment don’t kid yourself, do you even understand the gospel or just led by what people told you?
Being the adult child of evangelical, ultra conservative, emotionally immature parents is draining. Sadly, it's getting to the point of no contact. Reading content like this is very validating to me. Thank you!
As a parent of those days, no need to feel sorry. But when we are ready to look clearly at ourselves and do our own deconstruction your generation's forthright comments are helpful, if we are not too emotionally deaf to hear them.
You really nailed it, Christine. The profile you give of most evangelical parents is right on--no growth, tons of defensiveness because their beliefs are a house of cards. You already know I was one of those parents. Except unlike most of my peers, I deconstructed snd saw how I was duped and gaslighted by leadership and harmed by doctrines that are psychologically damaging. I also felt the pain of so many years of no psychological growth and wanted more than that. Now as I read your writing, I identify with you, the kids of such parents, and I very much regret my participation in such a damaging system. There are some ways it was good--such as producing stable, reliable, responsible citizens--but I’d rather see citizens who have those qualities as well as empathy, critical thinking skills, and the desire to get into “good trouble” to make our society more open, loving, and just. I guess all of that is why I wanted to be an honorary Millennial. Thanks for spreading the word that there is a better path.
Having a parent willing to learn and grow -- oh yeah and respect your child as an autonomous agent -- makes all the difference! Your experience was just part of your path and now you’ve got all the growth in spades. ☺️ plus, raising kids the Dobson way has profoundly backfired and we’re doing a major rebellion, so I think compassionate global citizens can emerge even from that shitshow! You’re an honorary millennial indeed - but I love the depth of wisdom and life experience you bring to the table so don’t discount your Boomer-ness! 😅
I chose to hang onto my sanity and not my family. Nearly 50 years after leaving the nest, I’m trying to find elements of faith and corporal body-ness with others that work for me. Still healing from damage caused by being valued for what I did and not who I was.
Would sure be nice if sanity and family weren't mutually exclusive, right? And I keep wondering if there's a special way that religion creates this sense of knowing we're valued for what we do and not who we are that seems...*extra* damaging, somehow.
I’m here in the original seat of Christendom this week. It’s more clear than ever that exploitation is baked into the history of Christianity. Depressing . . . but also validating.
I took a few days to tour Rome after a week's singing course in Tuscany, and was reminded of why I've been to so many other parts of Italy but not Rome. Touring the Colosseum and Vatican brought up those old feelings of helplessness around mistreatment of the powerless. Animals pitted against animals (and later humans) for sport. The sacking of the first Jewish temple with the proceeds used to build the Colosseum. The consolidation of power and marginalizing of vulnerable populations by Constantine and those who came after him. Depressing to confront how thoroughly behaviors are influenced by negative emotions, and validating to re-experience feelings from childhood with a renewed understanding and acceptance of where my boundaries are (and why they're where they are.)
Love it, Christine. And also hate it obviously. There is a pastor here (I think I mentioned before) who has been wearing political shirts at the pulpit and I listened to some of his messages today (for data to submit to the IRS 😂😂) and it was just so sad to see such a small, insecure man leading a community of people and claiming to walk the Jesus way 💔 when all he cares about is money and status.
Oh my gosh if you submit data to the IRS please please update me 😂
Ughh. If only insecurity wasn’t lived out in such toxic ways (... by so many people!). So sad how many are affected because people haven’t dealt with their issues!
So much collateral damage. And I’ll keep you posted. First problem is I’m having a really hard time finding the EIN number for the church 🤔 second, is there seems to be a huge loophole for reproductive rights in particular. And this pastor is framing issue 1 thru that lens. And which is why the Catholic Church can be so vocal too 😖
Such an important topic. So much more than meets the eye. So many destroyed lives..."the slaughter of the innocents." Jesus said, " Let the children come to me, for of such is the Kingdom of Heaven."
Thank you, Neil! Oof - slaughter of the innocents is pretty gut wrenching but we really are willing to sacrifice our children and their well-being in service of more power.
There is so much I could comment on here, but basically so much clarifies my experience as a parent and as a woman during 80's and '90's evangelicalism and the process of deconstruction and regrets as so many scales continue to come off my eyes, even at my advanced age.
You have hit so many proverbial nails on the head and given me more to examine in my own attitudes and former beliefs. Getting rid of these things is like taking a long, cleansing shower clearing away the grime of an exhausting day of dirt.
This is so powerful to read, Lois. It gives me hope that there’s still hope for my mom. It feels like it would take a lot for her to make that journey, but it is possible.
I’ll echo Lindsey’s sentiment - it means so, so much to me to see other once-evangelical parents re-examine beliefs and learn to relate to their kids in new ways. Glad you’re getting some of that grime off you!
I love that you are examining these connections between evangelical faith of the 80's & 90's and emotional immaturity, childhood emotional neglect, narcissism and more. I relate to it all and have been doing my own personal work trying to deconstruct from my childhood faith - reading lots of books, listening to writers like you and so many more, and going to therapy. I love my parents and know they did the best they could and thought they were doing the right thing, the thing they were taught was the right thing, but in spite of that I was harmed. Trying to hold both feeling angry and hurt by them and to feel empathy for them is hard. Knowing that I'm not alone helps so much. Thanks!
Thanks, Keri - and I too find it meaningful that so many of us are walking a similar path here especially in navigating issues with parents. You sound like you are trying to hold a lot of compassion for them as well as yourself (I’m sure it’s always a work in progress) and I think that will take you a long way in this journey. Thanks for sharing!
I regret that the early years of my eldest children were colored by the Focus/Growing Kids God’s Way of parenting and have asked their forgiveness. You’ve hit the nail on the head with this article.
Thank you for sharing that. I know if my evangelical parents were able to come around in that kind of way, even all these years later, it would make a huge difference!
I love reading posts and comments about this topic because I am living through it too. I am so thankful to finally have some more understanding about the abuse that I have not only endured from religion but what I put my kids through.
This is so helpful! It helps me understand a lot about where “church” has gone wrong (since American culture understands evangelicalism as the primary model of church.) You also make me think about where we’re going, if this brand of Christianity is dominating the government. Thank you!
This sounds a lot like cultural Christianity and lot an actual relationship with Christ, these parents didn’t seem to have a true born again lives that displayed Jesus. This is truly sad.
Because Jesus is the perfect example of emotional maturity, He was gentle and slow to anger….the fruits of the Spirit are contrary to how the world is…joy love peace gentleness kindness faithfulness SELF CONTROL. Also love is PATIENT love is KIND it doesn’t keep records of wrong doings…. None of God’s teachings demonstrate emotional immaturity, there are endless scriptures about how we should express ourselves when we are treated wrongly…have you read it for yourself?
A very spot-on piece that resonated with me. I am one of those parents who bought into the Dobson/evangelical orientation. You are right when you say it was often fear-driven for it certainly was for me. It was a formulaic, oversimplified, and if taken to the extent they encouraged, abusive. Fortunately, I have walked away from that ideology but ironically not from a relationship with God. Keep writing, as you have something very important to say. Meanwhile, I will be forever grateful that I saw the emptiness of this philosophy.
The hardest and deepest part for me to release was the “community” of “flying monkeys” that protect and enable all the narc (emotionally immature) behaviors. “But they’re your family” “Jesus would want you to forgive (and forget).” My favorite was was “forgive or you won’t be forgiven.” Kept me sucked in and stuck by shame. The rigid black and white thinking paired with “one right way to live or love” or eternal punishment and alienation- it pierces and divides the human soul built for belonging. Thanks so much for this series!
Wow you put that so beautifully: “it pierces and divides the human soul built for belonging.” That’s so true! Institutions interested in their own survival and power and control have found it incredibly useful to divide us, when we long for belonging (and thus resort to tribe like mentalities). Kristen Kobes du Mez had an interesting post about Fox News and such divisions this last week.
Anyway, I’m so sorry they used all that against you. As long as it protects them (and other abusers), it’s acceptable religion...
But it’s true you have hurt others no one is perfect except for Jesus alone, you wouldn’t want others to extend mercy snd grace unto you when you make mistakes? So why would God? Unforgiveness harbors bitterness and resentment don’t kid yourself, do you even understand the gospel or just led by what people told you?
Being the adult child of evangelical, ultra conservative, emotionally immature parents is draining. Sadly, it's getting to the point of no contact. Reading content like this is very validating to me. Thank you!
I feel that! And it's hard to explain (I think) to people who don't understand the dynamics of this religion...
(Sorry for such a late reply! I'm catching up on things!)
This is so good. I also feel sorry (but not too sorry) for these evangelical parents.
But not too sorry! (and thanks for taking the time to read! ;) )
As a parent of those days, no need to feel sorry. But when we are ready to look clearly at ourselves and do our own deconstruction your generation's forthright comments are helpful, if we are not too emotionally deaf to hear them.
You really nailed it, Christine. The profile you give of most evangelical parents is right on--no growth, tons of defensiveness because their beliefs are a house of cards. You already know I was one of those parents. Except unlike most of my peers, I deconstructed snd saw how I was duped and gaslighted by leadership and harmed by doctrines that are psychologically damaging. I also felt the pain of so many years of no psychological growth and wanted more than that. Now as I read your writing, I identify with you, the kids of such parents, and I very much regret my participation in such a damaging system. There are some ways it was good--such as producing stable, reliable, responsible citizens--but I’d rather see citizens who have those qualities as well as empathy, critical thinking skills, and the desire to get into “good trouble” to make our society more open, loving, and just. I guess all of that is why I wanted to be an honorary Millennial. Thanks for spreading the word that there is a better path.
Having a parent willing to learn and grow -- oh yeah and respect your child as an autonomous agent -- makes all the difference! Your experience was just part of your path and now you’ve got all the growth in spades. ☺️ plus, raising kids the Dobson way has profoundly backfired and we’re doing a major rebellion, so I think compassionate global citizens can emerge even from that shitshow! You’re an honorary millennial indeed - but I love the depth of wisdom and life experience you bring to the table so don’t discount your Boomer-ness! 😅
I chose to hang onto my sanity and not my family. Nearly 50 years after leaving the nest, I’m trying to find elements of faith and corporal body-ness with others that work for me. Still healing from damage caused by being valued for what I did and not who I was.
Would sure be nice if sanity and family weren't mutually exclusive, right? And I keep wondering if there's a special way that religion creates this sense of knowing we're valued for what we do and not who we are that seems...*extra* damaging, somehow.
I’m here in the original seat of Christendom this week. It’s more clear than ever that exploitation is baked into the history of Christianity. Depressing . . . but also validating.
Oh wow that must be quite an experience (and now I’m curious about what you’re doing!). Rome? Validating and depressing indeed...
I took a few days to tour Rome after a week's singing course in Tuscany, and was reminded of why I've been to so many other parts of Italy but not Rome. Touring the Colosseum and Vatican brought up those old feelings of helplessness around mistreatment of the powerless. Animals pitted against animals (and later humans) for sport. The sacking of the first Jewish temple with the proceeds used to build the Colosseum. The consolidation of power and marginalizing of vulnerable populations by Constantine and those who came after him. Depressing to confront how thoroughly behaviors are influenced by negative emotions, and validating to re-experience feelings from childhood with a renewed understanding and acceptance of where my boundaries are (and why they're where they are.)
Love it, Christine. And also hate it obviously. There is a pastor here (I think I mentioned before) who has been wearing political shirts at the pulpit and I listened to some of his messages today (for data to submit to the IRS 😂😂) and it was just so sad to see such a small, insecure man leading a community of people and claiming to walk the Jesus way 💔 when all he cares about is money and status.
Oh my gosh if you submit data to the IRS please please update me 😂
Ughh. If only insecurity wasn’t lived out in such toxic ways (... by so many people!). So sad how many are affected because people haven’t dealt with their issues!
So much collateral damage. And I’ll keep you posted. First problem is I’m having a really hard time finding the EIN number for the church 🤔 second, is there seems to be a huge loophole for reproductive rights in particular. And this pastor is framing issue 1 thru that lens. And which is why the Catholic Church can be so vocal too 😖
Such an important topic. So much more than meets the eye. So many destroyed lives..."the slaughter of the innocents." Jesus said, " Let the children come to me, for of such is the Kingdom of Heaven."
Thank you, Neil! Oof - slaughter of the innocents is pretty gut wrenching but we really are willing to sacrifice our children and their well-being in service of more power.
There is so much I could comment on here, but basically so much clarifies my experience as a parent and as a woman during 80's and '90's evangelicalism and the process of deconstruction and regrets as so many scales continue to come off my eyes, even at my advanced age.
You have hit so many proverbial nails on the head and given me more to examine in my own attitudes and former beliefs. Getting rid of these things is like taking a long, cleansing shower clearing away the grime of an exhausting day of dirt.
Thank you
This is so powerful to read, Lois. It gives me hope that there’s still hope for my mom. It feels like it would take a lot for her to make that journey, but it is possible.
I’ll echo Lindsey’s sentiment - it means so, so much to me to see other once-evangelical parents re-examine beliefs and learn to relate to their kids in new ways. Glad you’re getting some of that grime off you!
I love that you are examining these connections between evangelical faith of the 80's & 90's and emotional immaturity, childhood emotional neglect, narcissism and more. I relate to it all and have been doing my own personal work trying to deconstruct from my childhood faith - reading lots of books, listening to writers like you and so many more, and going to therapy. I love my parents and know they did the best they could and thought they were doing the right thing, the thing they were taught was the right thing, but in spite of that I was harmed. Trying to hold both feeling angry and hurt by them and to feel empathy for them is hard. Knowing that I'm not alone helps so much. Thanks!
Thanks, Keri - and I too find it meaningful that so many of us are walking a similar path here especially in navigating issues with parents. You sound like you are trying to hold a lot of compassion for them as well as yourself (I’m sure it’s always a work in progress) and I think that will take you a long way in this journey. Thanks for sharing!
Great, as usual! This is such an important series.
I regret that the early years of my eldest children were colored by the Focus/Growing Kids God’s Way of parenting and have asked their forgiveness. You’ve hit the nail on the head with this article.
Thank you for sharing that. I know if my evangelical parents were able to come around in that kind of way, even all these years later, it would make a huge difference!
I love reading posts and comments about this topic because I am living through it too. I am so thankful to finally have some more understanding about the abuse that I have not only endured from religion but what I put my kids through.
Yes! Glad to be part of your journey. And I think whenever it is in life we change for the better.. it’s a change that means something!
This is so helpful! It helps me understand a lot about where “church” has gone wrong (since American culture understands evangelicalism as the primary model of church.) You also make me think about where we’re going, if this brand of Christianity is dominating the government. Thank you!
I'm glad you found it helpful! And yes.. there is an awful lot of emotional immaturity happening in our incoming government right now!!! 😬
This sounds a lot like cultural Christianity and lot an actual relationship with Christ, these parents didn’t seem to have a true born again lives that displayed Jesus. This is truly sad.
Because Jesus is the perfect example of emotional maturity, He was gentle and slow to anger….the fruits of the Spirit are contrary to how the world is…joy love peace gentleness kindness faithfulness SELF CONTROL. Also love is PATIENT love is KIND it doesn’t keep records of wrong doings…. None of God’s teachings demonstrate emotional immaturity, there are endless scriptures about how we should express ourselves when we are treated wrongly…have you read it for yourself?
A very spot-on piece that resonated with me. I am one of those parents who bought into the Dobson/evangelical orientation. You are right when you say it was often fear-driven for it certainly was for me. It was a formulaic, oversimplified, and if taken to the extent they encouraged, abusive. Fortunately, I have walked away from that ideology but ironically not from a relationship with God. Keep writing, as you have something very important to say. Meanwhile, I will be forever grateful that I saw the emptiness of this philosophy.