The hardest and deepest part for me to release was the “community” of “flying monkeys” that protect and enable all the narc (emotionally immature) behaviors. “But they’re your family” “Jesus would want you to forgive (and forget).” My favorite was was “forgive or you won’t be forgiven.” Kept me sucked in and stuck by shame. The rigid black and white thinking paired with “one right way to live or love” or eternal punishment and alienation- it pierces and divides the human soul built for belonging. Thanks so much for this series!
You really nailed it, Christine. The profile you give of most evangelical parents is right on--no growth, tons of defensiveness because their beliefs are a house of cards. You already know I was one of those parents. Except unlike most of my peers, I deconstructed snd saw how I was duped and gaslighted by leadership and harmed by doctrines that are psychologically damaging. I also felt the pain of so many years of no psychological growth and wanted more than that. Now as I read your writing, I identify with you, the kids of such parents, and I very much regret my participation in such a damaging system. There are some ways it was good--such as producing stable, reliable, responsible citizens--but I’d rather see citizens who have those qualities as well as empathy, critical thinking skills, and the desire to get into “good trouble” to make our society more open, loving, and just. I guess all of that is why I wanted to be an honorary Millennial. Thanks for spreading the word that there is a better path.
I chose to hang onto my sanity and not my family. Nearly 50 years after leaving the nest, I’m trying to find elements of faith and corporal body-ness with others that work for me. Still healing from damage caused by being valued for what I did and not who I was.
Love it, Christine. And also hate it obviously. There is a pastor here (I think I mentioned before) who has been wearing political shirts at the pulpit and I listened to some of his messages today (for data to submit to the IRS 😂😂) and it was just so sad to see such a small, insecure man leading a community of people and claiming to walk the Jesus way 💔 when all he cares about is money and status.
There is so much I could comment on here, but basically so much clarifies my experience as a parent and as a woman during 80's and '90's evangelicalism and the process of deconstruction and regrets as so many scales continue to come off my eyes, even at my advanced age.
You have hit so many proverbial nails on the head and given me more to examine in my own attitudes and former beliefs. Getting rid of these things is like taking a long, cleansing shower clearing away the grime of an exhausting day of dirt.
I love that you are examining these connections between evangelical faith of the 80's & 90's and emotional immaturity, childhood emotional neglect, narcissism and more. I relate to it all and have been doing my own personal work trying to deconstruct from my childhood faith - reading lots of books, listening to writers like you and so many more, and going to therapy. I love my parents and know they did the best they could and thought they were doing the right thing, the thing they were taught was the right thing, but in spite of that I was harmed. Trying to hold both feeling angry and hurt by them and to feel empathy for them is hard. Knowing that I'm not alone helps so much. Thanks!
Such an important topic. So much more than meets the eye. So many destroyed lives..."the slaughter of the innocents." Jesus said, " Let the children come to me, for of such is the Kingdom of Heaven."
This is so good. I also feel sorry (but not too sorry) for these evangelical parents.
The hardest and deepest part for me to release was the “community” of “flying monkeys” that protect and enable all the narc (emotionally immature) behaviors. “But they’re your family” “Jesus would want you to forgive (and forget).” My favorite was was “forgive or you won’t be forgiven.” Kept me sucked in and stuck by shame. The rigid black and white thinking paired with “one right way to live or love” or eternal punishment and alienation- it pierces and divides the human soul built for belonging. Thanks so much for this series!
You really nailed it, Christine. The profile you give of most evangelical parents is right on--no growth, tons of defensiveness because their beliefs are a house of cards. You already know I was one of those parents. Except unlike most of my peers, I deconstructed snd saw how I was duped and gaslighted by leadership and harmed by doctrines that are psychologically damaging. I also felt the pain of so many years of no psychological growth and wanted more than that. Now as I read your writing, I identify with you, the kids of such parents, and I very much regret my participation in such a damaging system. There are some ways it was good--such as producing stable, reliable, responsible citizens--but I’d rather see citizens who have those qualities as well as empathy, critical thinking skills, and the desire to get into “good trouble” to make our society more open, loving, and just. I guess all of that is why I wanted to be an honorary Millennial. Thanks for spreading the word that there is a better path.
I chose to hang onto my sanity and not my family. Nearly 50 years after leaving the nest, I’m trying to find elements of faith and corporal body-ness with others that work for me. Still healing from damage caused by being valued for what I did and not who I was.
Love it, Christine. And also hate it obviously. There is a pastor here (I think I mentioned before) who has been wearing political shirts at the pulpit and I listened to some of his messages today (for data to submit to the IRS 😂😂) and it was just so sad to see such a small, insecure man leading a community of people and claiming to walk the Jesus way 💔 when all he cares about is money and status.
There is so much I could comment on here, but basically so much clarifies my experience as a parent and as a woman during 80's and '90's evangelicalism and the process of deconstruction and regrets as so many scales continue to come off my eyes, even at my advanced age.
You have hit so many proverbial nails on the head and given me more to examine in my own attitudes and former beliefs. Getting rid of these things is like taking a long, cleansing shower clearing away the grime of an exhausting day of dirt.
Thank you
I love that you are examining these connections between evangelical faith of the 80's & 90's and emotional immaturity, childhood emotional neglect, narcissism and more. I relate to it all and have been doing my own personal work trying to deconstruct from my childhood faith - reading lots of books, listening to writers like you and so many more, and going to therapy. I love my parents and know they did the best they could and thought they were doing the right thing, the thing they were taught was the right thing, but in spite of that I was harmed. Trying to hold both feeling angry and hurt by them and to feel empathy for them is hard. Knowing that I'm not alone helps so much. Thanks!
Great, as usual! This is such an important series.
Such an important topic. So much more than meets the eye. So many destroyed lives..."the slaughter of the innocents." Jesus said, " Let the children come to me, for of such is the Kingdom of Heaven."