Christine, in answering the question of what it's like for a religion escapee to be a pastor's wife I think you brought up something that affects most of us: We are still entangled with Christianity in some ways, and we have to learn how to make peace with it. I mean, we may never darken a church door again, but we have friends and family who do, and we live in a society in which Christianity is difficult to completely avoid. Each of us have to develop strategies like you have for handling those times when religion is unavoidable. I'm not proposing any particular ideas here, but it's necessary to think about it and decide how to handle it when... we get invited to church, or somebody wants to talk about something in the Bible, or we encounter street evangelists, or our Supreme Court comes up with another religiously motivated decision. Thanks for sharing your story and the unique challenges you face from Christianity playing such a prominent role in your nuclear family.
Yes to all that! It's going to be unavoidable unless we live in a total bubble. Or say for me, if a client brings up religion, I will and do have to think carefully how I choose my words and articulate questions and imply (or, try not to imply) an attitude one way or another! More challenging to do that under triggering circumstances!
Hello! I met my beloved in seminary and ended up becoming a pastor's wife, because although her denomination was accepting of gays and lesbians, mine was not. I did not feel I could minister effectively staying in the closet, unable to share my experience in a closeted, committed relationship with married couples who were able to be visible. I left the church for a long time, but still considered and to this day consider myself a follower of Jesus of Nazareth. My beloved and I were unable to be legally married, but we were married in our hearts for over 30 years. She passed suddenly and unexpectedly 8 years ago. I have struggles over the years to find a spiritual home, even though I am active in 12 step circles and found recovery and much comfort there, I really still felt the need for a faith community to follow the inner calling of what I call the Spirit, which is only one of the names I use for the one who is Holy, gracious, merciful, kind and loving. I am glad to say I have at last found a faith community that not only says it is inclusive and doing work around issues of Justice, peace, anti racism Etc, but actually lives what it is committed to. The congregation is part of a liberal Baptist tradition without creeds or barriers. We are doing our best to live out the way of life that Jesus modeled for us. I am grateful to have found a spiritual home at last, at age 67. For those of you still searching, don't give up. There is one who loves us unconditionally and will walk with you whether you can feel their presence or not. Keep your faith. Keep your doubt. And try to let go of anything that is holding you down. Wishing you love joy peace and many blessings in this day.
Wow, Rosemary, what a story! Thank you for sharing a little piece of it. American Baptist tradition, perhaps? (I have a friend from that tradition who went on to be a chaplain and married another woman and it seemed like a really great denomination). I am so sorry to hear of your beloved's passing, and hate that legal marriage was not an option for you. The way you have found your spiritual home is beautiful, though!
Yes, my current faith community is in the American Baptist tradition. Very open. Very welcoming. Very inclusive. Very active in both spiritual growth and social justice. Very important combination. But for those of you out there who don't know much about baptist tradition, each congregation is autonomous. There's no hierarchy of Bishops or Creeds or any such thing. So it is up to each congregation to decide how best to follow Jesus. Some of them do it better than others. The one I found is a really good fit for me. There are many other good ones out there, but I have also encountered a couple that I would not recommend to anyone. So if you're searching, it's worth a good look to see what's around you for options, but if a particular congregation doesn't seem a good fit, don't linger in a toxic environment. Keep looking for the faith community that is right for you. And I recommend any of Sarah Bessey's books to help you on the journey. Love joy and peace and many blessings to all of you, Rosemary
There are so many good people doing the work of pastoring, but it often feels like so many bad theologies are coming out of churches. Maybe these are just the people with the loudest voices, I dunno. But it's good to remember the actual service and love that most pastors perform for folks.
Agreed! Even when I think of pastors (having many pastor friends) my first thought is all the loud theobros that take up most of the oxygen in the room when we're talking about pastoring. But for many, it's a loving, selfless job and they care deeply about their congregations and communities (and not just for a ticket to heaven!)
Really appreciate all this. After my partner being a pastor for six years in a more stodgy setting, I kept asking this exact same thing. Why church, when the world is burning? I know church CAN address the hurt of the world, BUT this church was very bad at outreach and very stuck in their own traditions and navel gazing. I was particularly bothered watching the amount of time, energy, and money being poured into keeping Sunday services running to a certain standard, and kept thinking "Was this Jesus' dream?!? Really?" It all felt performative too, and so much strife at meetings about the amount of seconds that passed between the choir getting down off the risers and the youth band coming back up on stage...for example. Like, does this benefit the world in any way? Thanks for articulating some of my internal struggle.
Oh gosh, YES!!! I just want to smack my head hearing about the petty, trivial things church members are arguing over. Like really, this is your concern? Is this remotely related to Jesus’s mission? Thank you for articulating the struggle so well, too!!
Feeling ya 😖 ... you are stronger than I am, I can hardly drive by a church without the yuck feeling. I hope you enjoy the museums and running trails!!
But no worries. I will keep trying and learning and trying again. ☺️ That would be rough to be a therapist. Sometimes I fantasize about stopping therapy with my therapist so that she can be my friend instead, but I know it doesn't work like that. And also, I know hardly anything about her after seeing her for over a decade.
I often hear people (clients) complain about how hard it is to make friends as an adult, and I’m right there too! We all seem to be in this struggle together. Hope maybe you feel validated that sometimes therapists wish we could be friends too ;)
And the museums and running trails were EXCELLENT! 😄
Christine, in answering the question of what it's like for a religion escapee to be a pastor's wife I think you brought up something that affects most of us: We are still entangled with Christianity in some ways, and we have to learn how to make peace with it. I mean, we may never darken a church door again, but we have friends and family who do, and we live in a society in which Christianity is difficult to completely avoid. Each of us have to develop strategies like you have for handling those times when religion is unavoidable. I'm not proposing any particular ideas here, but it's necessary to think about it and decide how to handle it when... we get invited to church, or somebody wants to talk about something in the Bible, or we encounter street evangelists, or our Supreme Court comes up with another religiously motivated decision. Thanks for sharing your story and the unique challenges you face from Christianity playing such a prominent role in your nuclear family.
Yes to all that! It's going to be unavoidable unless we live in a total bubble. Or say for me, if a client brings up religion, I will and do have to think carefully how I choose my words and articulate questions and imply (or, try not to imply) an attitude one way or another! More challenging to do that under triggering circumstances!
Hello! I met my beloved in seminary and ended up becoming a pastor's wife, because although her denomination was accepting of gays and lesbians, mine was not. I did not feel I could minister effectively staying in the closet, unable to share my experience in a closeted, committed relationship with married couples who were able to be visible. I left the church for a long time, but still considered and to this day consider myself a follower of Jesus of Nazareth. My beloved and I were unable to be legally married, but we were married in our hearts for over 30 years. She passed suddenly and unexpectedly 8 years ago. I have struggles over the years to find a spiritual home, even though I am active in 12 step circles and found recovery and much comfort there, I really still felt the need for a faith community to follow the inner calling of what I call the Spirit, which is only one of the names I use for the one who is Holy, gracious, merciful, kind and loving. I am glad to say I have at last found a faith community that not only says it is inclusive and doing work around issues of Justice, peace, anti racism Etc, but actually lives what it is committed to. The congregation is part of a liberal Baptist tradition without creeds or barriers. We are doing our best to live out the way of life that Jesus modeled for us. I am grateful to have found a spiritual home at last, at age 67. For those of you still searching, don't give up. There is one who loves us unconditionally and will walk with you whether you can feel their presence or not. Keep your faith. Keep your doubt. And try to let go of anything that is holding you down. Wishing you love joy peace and many blessings in this day.
Wow, Rosemary, what a story! Thank you for sharing a little piece of it. American Baptist tradition, perhaps? (I have a friend from that tradition who went on to be a chaplain and married another woman and it seemed like a really great denomination). I am so sorry to hear of your beloved's passing, and hate that legal marriage was not an option for you. The way you have found your spiritual home is beautiful, though!
Yes, my current faith community is in the American Baptist tradition. Very open. Very welcoming. Very inclusive. Very active in both spiritual growth and social justice. Very important combination. But for those of you out there who don't know much about baptist tradition, each congregation is autonomous. There's no hierarchy of Bishops or Creeds or any such thing. So it is up to each congregation to decide how best to follow Jesus. Some of them do it better than others. The one I found is a really good fit for me. There are many other good ones out there, but I have also encountered a couple that I would not recommend to anyone. So if you're searching, it's worth a good look to see what's around you for options, but if a particular congregation doesn't seem a good fit, don't linger in a toxic environment. Keep looking for the faith community that is right for you. And I recommend any of Sarah Bessey's books to help you on the journey. Love joy and peace and many blessings to all of you, Rosemary
There are so many good people doing the work of pastoring, but it often feels like so many bad theologies are coming out of churches. Maybe these are just the people with the loudest voices, I dunno. But it's good to remember the actual service and love that most pastors perform for folks.
Agreed! Even when I think of pastors (having many pastor friends) my first thought is all the loud theobros that take up most of the oxygen in the room when we're talking about pastoring. But for many, it's a loving, selfless job and they care deeply about their congregations and communities (and not just for a ticket to heaven!)
Really appreciate all this. After my partner being a pastor for six years in a more stodgy setting, I kept asking this exact same thing. Why church, when the world is burning? I know church CAN address the hurt of the world, BUT this church was very bad at outreach and very stuck in their own traditions and navel gazing. I was particularly bothered watching the amount of time, energy, and money being poured into keeping Sunday services running to a certain standard, and kept thinking "Was this Jesus' dream?!? Really?" It all felt performative too, and so much strife at meetings about the amount of seconds that passed between the choir getting down off the risers and the youth band coming back up on stage...for example. Like, does this benefit the world in any way? Thanks for articulating some of my internal struggle.
Oh gosh, YES!!! I just want to smack my head hearing about the petty, trivial things church members are arguing over. Like really, this is your concern? Is this remotely related to Jesus’s mission? Thank you for articulating the struggle so well, too!!
Thank you, Christine. I am a PCUSA pastor's wife and have been struggling with going to church too. It feels good to not be alone.
Feeling ya 😖 ... you are stronger than I am, I can hardly drive by a church without the yuck feeling. I hope you enjoy the museums and running trails!!
Also yes to craving community. I keep trying to make friends and not being very good at it.
But no worries. I will keep trying and learning and trying again. ☺️ That would be rough to be a therapist. Sometimes I fantasize about stopping therapy with my therapist so that she can be my friend instead, but I know it doesn't work like that. And also, I know hardly anything about her after seeing her for over a decade.
I often hear people (clients) complain about how hard it is to make friends as an adult, and I’m right there too! We all seem to be in this struggle together. Hope maybe you feel validated that sometimes therapists wish we could be friends too ;)
And the museums and running trails were EXCELLENT! 😄