I Was Such a Good Parent Before I Had Kids
A lesson in becoming less judgy and a little more compassionate
Back to our regularly scheduled programming after last week’s impromptu post about the Roe v. Wade shenanigans. I do plan to do a mini-series about reproductive rights, abortion, and its political entwining with evangelicalism that I’m really looking forward to writing. For now, though, let’s keep it lighter with a little tongue-in-cheek self-deprecation as we coast off of Mother’s Day!
My child-rearing resume looked pretty stellar going into this whole parenting thing: years of being the neighborhood’s trusted babysitter and nanny, a bachelor’s degree in Child Development, a master’s degree in Mental Health Counseling with a specialization in play therapy, plus a year working in a daycare? I totally had parenting figured out. I was afraid of losing my old life when I had kids, but I wasn’t afraid that I wouldn’t know the answers. I felt pretty confident in my ability to not only parent well, but correctly!
Ha. Ha. Ha.
You know where this is going. Everything was going swimmingly… and then I had my first kid.
The first night of my firstborn’s life, she was mad as hell to be living on land instead of that cozy, watery womb. She let us know about it, too. Not even the night nurses could soothe her, and they were supposed to be able to solve every baby problem. They eventually gave her back to us, defeated. I was defeated, too — but mostly frightened.
After the long, nearly sleepless night, I whispered to my husband: “How are we supposed to go home with her?”
He just looked back at me, terror in his eyes as well. What had we gotten ourselves into?
This maybe should have been my first clue that I wasn’t prepared with all the right answers like I’d hoped to be.
Tear-Free Sleep Training
Before my daughter arrived, I had researched all I could about baby sleep. Wake windows, soothing methods, routines, drowsy-but-awake. I had decided I didn’t want my kids to have to cry themselves to sleep. I gradually worked with my daughter to learn to fall asleep independently, staying next to her crib to soothe her when she struggled to drift off to dreamland. She caught on quickly and soon I was able to put her in the crib at the appropriate time and she would put herself to sleep, no problem. Fantastic! We’ve got this figured out!
Then I had my son. I had high hopes for his learning to peacefully sleep independently, too.
Oh, except for I still had my daughter, who was now 2. Two-year-olds, as it turns out, are still highly dependent on their parents. She wasn’t going to stop needing meals and clean diapers and “Momma! Play!” just because baby brother was around.
I didn’t have as much time for the peaceful, nearly tear-free experience I was able to offer my daughter. Sometimes I just had to drop him in his crib for his nap, handle the toddler crisis, and come back around to him to help him de-escalate. Also, he was a stubborn learner. My girl figured the sleep thing out quickly. He did not. There were plenty of tears along the way — both his and mine.
My pre-baby self was giving me a whole lot of side eye with raised eyebrow. Girl, are you traumatizing your baby for life?? My current self was just trying to survive the early days with two little kids.
Looking back, I recognize that I experienced the newborn phase with so much anxiety. Everything — every failed nap, every schedule gone awry — felt so consequential. I felt so keyed up all the time. My stressed-out, exhausted self needed a hug a lot more than she needed some side-eye.
I learned to not judge people on how they approach sleep with their babies. There are so many variables, including your baby’s innate temperament, the environment you’re able to create for your child, and the parent’s tolerance for structure, sleep deprivation, etc. I lucked out with two pretty good sleepers (the younger one seems to not be hopelessly traumatized, by the way), but I know now to not make assumptions about what does or doesn’t work for babies.
No Picky Eaters
My kids were not going to be picky eaters. We were going to do baby-led weaning, meaning we would introduce my firstborn to real foods (cut appropriate sizes) as opposed to weird mushy purees, and she would learn to eat what we ate. This worked well…for a while. My daughter ate cold mixed veggies like they were popcorn and would eat spinach in her scrambled eggs.
Then she started refusing all the “healthy” stuff she used to eat. She wouldn’t even eat normal child food like chicken nuggets, pizza, or french fries. Please don’t show me your photos of your toddler being served homemade meals with the family or “eating in color.” My toddler eats in color, too. Sometimes she wants the purple box of mac and cheese, and sometimes the blue or the red box. Sometimes she wants to eat out of her green bowl, and other times she prefers the yellow one.
Of course, this was the kid who, for a too-long period of time as an infant, would also rather go on a starvation diet than drink milk out of a bottle. So I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised.
I used to judge people based on what they fed their children. All the processed food! The juices! Those stupid squeezy applesauce packets! (Hey, my daughter refused those packets for the longest time, so it was actually a weird victory once she finally decided she liked them…)
I get it now. I try not to judge. Maybe they are food insecure and can’t afford more nutrient-dense food. Maybe their children are picky. Maybe they’re on the road a lot and need shelf-stable food to calm cranky kids in the car. Maybe there are enough battles to pick as a parent that you decide to just not fight this one so hard.
So Calm, Patient, and Self-Regulated
I knew all the right scripts to say as a parent. I understood that babies cry to communicate. I understood that toddlers have to be defiant as they work to individuate themselves from their parents. I knew how to phrase requests to say what I wanted from my child, not what I didn’t want.
I also knew the importance of my self-regulation so that I could stay calm and cool and help my child to regulate. I’d done therapy. I was a therapist: one who specialized in seeing children! I’d advised so many parents about ways to communicate with their kids to optimize outcomes. Surely, I would be able to manage the various emotional challenges of early childhood and beyond.
As it turns out, regulating your emotions is completely different when the children are your own and your job is a 24-hour, 7 day a week identity that you never give up. Nowadays, I’m amazed at just how short my temper can be! At the random things that will trigger me! At how difficult it is to “stick to the script” when my child is screaming in my face because we turned the TV off. Or refusing to leave the playground when we have to leave RIGHT NOW! Actually, I discovered I don’t even have a desire to stick to the effing script. WE ARE LEAVING YOU ARE COMING LET’S GO!
(Also, I must confess that I have laughed uncontrollably when my two-year-old screamed in my face with frustration over something like the TV, which I KNOW is not the right response but good golly the situation is also really funny. Pre-baby me is very much side-eyeing myself for laughing and belittling her very, very genuine feelings, even though I wasn’t trying to: see “uncontrollably.” I am sorry. Sort of.).
If I could go back and apologize to those parents of my child clients that I offered parenting advice to before I ever had children… I would. Parenting is hard. Parenting children whose needs land them in a counselor’s office is extra hard. I used to mostly focus on the child’s perspective. Yes, some parents are just bad parents, usually plagued with plenty of their own trauma. But most often with the parents I see now, they are worried, tired, worn out, and in need of all the support they can get.
My perspective has shifted so much already, and my children are still so young. I’m curious what other “good parent” ideals I’m going to overturning as they get older. I probably shouldn’t make promises to myself about what I will or won’t do, because you just don’t know until you cross that bridge. Sports? Phones? Homework? Dating? Money? I will cross those bridges when I get there. I’ll try my best to not hold onto my ideals too tight and not judge other parents too hard. Because you never know how things will work out in real life instead of my imagined fantasy of being such a good parent.