A Love Letter to Those Who Struggle Today
a little something to keep you company on the day of thanks
Today’s post is a day early, to give company to anyone who needs it on a Thanksgiving that might feel difficult. It has two parts: some links related to the Club Q shooting, and then a little love letter from me to anyone for whom the holidays are hard. If you want to become a member of the community we’re building here, and to make sure you don’t miss a post, would you consider subscribing? It’s free and I’d love to have you join us.
Before we dive into today’s topic, I want to hold a little space for the recent shootings that have occurred in America. I especially want to take note of the shooting at Club Q in Colorado Springs, both because of the hate crime nature against LGBTQ folks, and its setting in the evangelical capital (so to speak) and home of Focus on the Family, the powerful evangelical parachurch organization.
Other people have written and spoken eloquently about the topic, so I won’t reinvent the whole wheel. This first article is written by my friend Liz, and discusses the evolution of Colorado Springs as a town, the far-reaching influence of James Dobson and the Focus on the Family organization, and the fear-mongering about LGBTQ people that evangelicals have been doing for decades.
The second thing is a Prophetic Imagination Station podcast episode called “Colorado Springs, Colorado.” They also discuss Focus on the Family and the political role FotF has long been playing in evangelicalism and American culture in general. One part I thought nailed it was DL Mayfield talking about her feelings about people hopping in her DMs requesting resources on why it’s not heretical to be affirming: “I don’t think you should have to study this. What people need to be doing is looking at the history of biblicism [someone who only uses the Bible as their source of authority, or as we might say, who idolizes the Bible] in America, and versification in the Bible, and people cherry-picking verses to oppress people.” YAHHSSSSS. How about we let love guide us instead of a book that also normalizes slavery, eh?
If you’re a former evangelical, you’re probably aware of these dynamics already, but it was helpful to me to read/hear them articulated so clearly. And it’s an urgent reminder that people are #exvangelical for a reason, and that religious trauma is a real thing, often connected with oppressive ideas around sexuality. And also that sometimes the theology we were once taught is literally a matter of life and death.
In memory of the Club Q victims and the queer community in general ❤️
Hi friends,
This is my little love letter for everyone who might be having some *feelings* about their Thanksgiving holiday (with more feelings to come around Christmas). I mean feelings besides the questionable origins of the holiday with the whole “Pilgrims and Indians” story we all got fed in school. I’m referring more to complex feelings around family gatherings, especially in the midst of or post faith deconstruction. Or if you’re gathering with people who don’t love ALL of you, or wouldn’t if they actually KNEW all of you.
Perhaps you’re trying hard to gear yourself up for sitting at a table with people who are going to be very, ahem, triggering for you. Maybe a loudly racist uncle, or Trump-y grandparents, or a mom who’s gone way down the conspiracy theory Pizzagate rabbit hole who still insists “I’m not QAnon!” There’s no one best way to respond to them. Or maybe there is, but you don’t have the energy and investment to respond that way that day.
Perhaps you’re going home to a faithfully conservative family who doesn’t know about your faith shifts, and right now you need to keep it that way. But this also means you’re going to be keeping your mouth shut a lot of the time or just trying hard to keep things surface level. You might feel sad about breaking your parents’ hearts with their fears about your eternal destination, and maybe you sometimes worry about the same. Or maybe you’re just angry about the way you were raised but you don’t want the conversation to be a Thing, so you put a giant stopper in your anger and simmer all night long.
Perhaps you’re wondering how the hell to have a constructive conversation about gun violence in America and hate crimes targeted to the LGBTQ community with people who insist “guns aren’t the problem, people are.” But who simultaneously don’t see how legislating against trans people could possibly create a culture of hate against them, which yes, enables people [e.g. shooters] who ARE problems.
It’s exhausting to be in spaces where you have to put on an act the whole time to avoid interrogation or awkwardness. It’s stressful to do the work of engaging in conversation with those who believe very differently from yourself. It’s sad and lonely to feel like there’s not a space that feels like home today.
Whatever your particular situation may be, I’m thinking of you and sending love your way on a day that is supposed to be full of gratitude (and…football? Because America?) but feels hard for various reasons instead. I get it. I’ve been there too.
If you care to share your experience with others, please leave us a comment! We can be a little community of misfits and struggle-bus-ers. I’m a therapist so I’m a professional listener. ;) And if that feels too public, you can respond directly to this email (for subscribers) and it will come straight to me and I’ll write back.
Love,
Christine
Hi, Christine. I have the opposite problem in my family. One of my daughters and her husband are Trumpsters and because of things said at a family dinner four years ago, they refuse to talk to the rest of us! They also refuse to join us for holidays, which, unsurprisingly, makes things easier for the rest of us.
What an extraordinarily kind thing to do, Christine. A warm hug of appreciation to you for being here like this for folks who struggle on holidays.